EARLY CHILDHOOD DEVELOPMENT
IN ADOPTION:
What Is Normal? What Is Not?
Presented by Dee A. Paddock, M.A., NCC at the NYS Citizens'
Coalition for Children's 9th Annual Statewide Adoption Training Conference
"Adoption '98: Networking for Children" on May 9, 1998 in Albany,
NY.
For more information, contact Dee Paddock,
9249 South Broadway #200-408, Highlands Ranch, CO 80126,
303-333-0660, Paddockfam@aol.com,
http://www.adopting.org.
A. The Myth of the Perfect Solution:
- The "Narcissistic Blow" - adoption is created out of compelling
needs, reflecting profound losses for everyone involved.
- Adoption is rarely anyone's first choice in building families.
- Adoption meets real needs but simultaneously denies deeply held wishes
for everyone in the adoption circle.
B. Adoptive Parents Must Conciously Search for Empathy with the Losses
Sustained by Birth Parents and Adopted Children:
- Each member of the adoption circle shares common themes - loss, attachment,
separation, abandonment and issues of identity
- Loss, and fear of more loss, are at the core of adoption attachment!
C. Adoption Development: The Dance Between Two Selves:
- The Chosen Child and The Banished Child
- The Vulnerable Child and The Controlling Child
- The Compliant Child and The Rebel Child
Development Cycles in Adoption:
Confusion: Who am I? Who are you?
- Teach adoption! Model appropriate, positive adoption language.
- Talk about your own identity struggles as an adoptive parent.
Loss/Protest: You don't understand me! You aren't like me!
- Listen, listen, listen! Empathize rather than fix!
- Talk about your own protest and loss as an adoptive parent.
Despair: I'm worthless. They didn't keep me!
- Talk about searching, gather information, initiate contact with birth
family.
- Listen, listen, listen! Empathize rather than fix!
- Talk about your own self-worth as an adoptive parent.
Healthy Messages to Encourage Healthy Attachment Development:
Self-Define: "You have the right to
create your own story."
Develop a Voice: "You have a unique story
worth sharing."
Become Visiible: "You have a right to
express your unique story."
A Developmental Map for the Adopted Family's Journey
|
A Mythic Model
of the Adopted Family
|
A Reality-Based Model
of the Adoptive Family
|
Adoptive Parents
|
Self-Less: "I did this for you, for her!"
Saintly
Heroic
Rescuer/Savior
|
Self-Aware: "I did this for me."
Human
Vulnerable
Parent/Survivor
|
Adopted Child
|
Obligated/Duty
Grateful/Joy
Helpless/Powerless
Rescued/Salvation
|
Autonomous/Choice
Ambivalent/Joy & Sorrow
Empowered/Participating
Belonging/Entitlement
|
Identity Struggles
|
Abnormal/Betrayal: "We're all you need!"
Failure
Reveals the "Bad Seed"
|
Normal/Expected: "You need history."
Crisis (Danger & Opportunity)
Reveals the Ambivalent Child
|
Parent Response
|
Surprise: "You are us!"
Rage/Guilt
Blame
Helplessness/Powerlessness
FEAR
|
Recognition: "You are us and them!"
Grief/Understanding
Perspective/Preparation
Management/Support
TRUST
|
|
A Traditional Model
of Childhood Development
Erik H. Erikson's Psychological Stages
|
A Reality-Based Model
for the Adopted Child
Dee A. Paddock's Adoption Adaptation
|
First Year of Life
|
Trust vs. Mistrust
From Symbiosis to Separation
|
Trust and Skepticism
From Separation to Symbiosis to Separation
|
Ages 1-3
|
Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt
Making Mistakes/Testing Limits
Parents Promote Independence
|
Autonomy and Shame and Doubt
Mistakes Feel Risky/Limits Feel Safe
Parents Promote Dependence First
|
Ages 3-6
|
Initiative vs. Guilt
Competence/Positive Self View
Child Impacts Surroundings
|
Initiative and Guilt
Competence Feels Risky/Who is Self?
Surroundings/Others Impact Child
|
Ages 6-12
|
Industry vs. Inferiority
School Success
Setting/Attaining Goals
|
Industry and Inferiority
School Difficulties and Success
Regressing and Progressing
|
Ages 12-18
|
Identity vs. Role Confusion
Testing Limits
Breaking Dependent Ties
Establishing New Identity
|
Identity and Role Confusion
Limits Feel Safe and Restrictive
Breaking Ties = Loss/Abandonment
Who Am I and Who Was I?
|
D. The "Positive" (Idealized) Developmental Model:
The Child: I am WANTED, I am SAFE, I am
CAPABLE.
The Parent: They are SAFE, they are AVAILABLE,
they CARE.
E. The "Negative" (Real) Developmental Reaction:
The Child: I am WORTHLESS, I am UNSAFE,
I am WEAK.
The Parent: They are UNRESPONSIVE, they
are UNRELAIBLE, they are DANGEROUS.
Back to Conference 98 Back to NYSCCC Home Page
NYS Citizens' Coalition for Children, Inc.
410 East Upland Road • Ithaca, NY 14850
607-272-0034 • office@nysccc.org
7/14/05