CAN WE FIX THIS CHILD:

Transforming "Great Expectations"
into "Real Expectations"
in Adoptive Families

Presented by Dee A. Paddock, M.A., NCC at the NYS Citizens' Coalition for Children's 9th Annual Statewide Adoption Training Conference "Adoption '98: Networking for Children" on May 9, 1998 in Albany, NY.

"According to the American Public Welfare Association,
the number of children in foster care
rose from 270,000 in 1984 to 445,000 in 1993.
Why, despite real efforts to help families remain intact, is success so limited?"

A. YOU DIDN'T CAUSE THIS:

• Rising poverty puts increased stress on families.
• Escalating teen pregnancy rates put more children at risk.
• Homelessness becomes a family problem for mothers and their children.
• Substance abuse worsens as street drugs become more and more available.
• HIV/AIDS spread through the heterosexual community.
• Community violence threatens families.

"It was the wise and difficult love that reminds parents that
all we can really do is be true to our own spiritual unfolding
and trust that our examples will one day help them be true to theris.
For children have a guiding spiritual wisdom inside of them too."

B. YOU CAN'T FIX THIS:

• Adoption is a process, not an event.
• Placement is only one point in a child's growth toward becoming an adult.
• Children in adoption have greater needs than just the usual nurturing and developmental ones.
• Love does not fix everything!
• Adoption is both good and bad, joy and sorrow, triumph and tragedy.

"Many children coming into care are already
developmentally delayed due to their maltreatment,
and the challenge is to help them absorb the shock of being in care
while helping them to develop as individuals."

C. YOUR GOAL IS TO MANAGE IT:

• Children cannot manage their own lives - they need good managers.
• Help children distinguish between what they truly need and what they simply want.
• Children need chores, responsibilities, challenges and consequences.
• Change takes time!

"Foster care and adoption have come to be seen
as family focused services, with the agency worker,
foster parents, adoptive parents and birth parents
collaborating in the best interests of the child."

D. YOU CAN'T DO THIS ALONE:

• Families cannot be whole and healthy unless they can connect their lives to somethinglarger than their own personal happiness.
• People feel better when they are helping others.
• Teach adopted children the importance of work, love, and service to their communities.

"The greater demands placed upon adoptive parents
who are caring for children with special needs
further exacerbates the problem - many are not prepared
to participate in long-term therapy with children,
protect their own families from dangerous behavior,
or provide the constant care required by medically fragile children."

E. YOUR FAMILY MUST SURVIVE TOO:

• Siblings may be at risk in adoption.
• Marriages and partnerships may be at risk in adoption.
• This is not a job for rookies - it requires training, support and resources.
• Some children cannot handle the emotional demands of living in a family.

"It is in the passionate leaps of faith
that we propel the human spirit forward.
The safety of the known which only leads to boredom
stifles the experience of life. As with heroes everywhere,
the course of our lives may become a beacon to others
who are on their own quests."

F. BE PROACTIVE RATHER THAN REACTIVE:

• Improvise parenting and take great leaps of faith.
• Get the right professional help - "In a war zone, it's crazy to ask people if they were breastfed as babies or to analyze their dreams."
• Teling the truth about our lives rather than managing the impressions of others.

"Humor is a way to affirm ourselves, to rise to meet a challenge,
channel fear into pleasure, translate pain into courage. When
we can really laugh, we've declared ourselves the winner,
no matter what the situation, because our laughter is an indication
of our perspective and control."

G. USE HUMOR AND CREATIVITY:

• When nothing else is working, make your child laugh.
• Humor is just another defense against the universe. (Mel Brooks)
• Comedy is acting out optimism. (Robin Williams)
• "Laughter is God's hand on the shoulder of a troubled world." (Traditional)

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NYS Citizens' Coalition for Children, Inc.
410 East Upland Road • Ithaca, NY 14850
607-272-0034 • office@nysccc.org
7/14/05