BENT BUT NOT BROKEN:

Building Resilient Adoptive Families

Presented by Dee A. Paddock, M.A., NCC at the NYS Citizens' Coalition for Children's 9th Annual Statewide Adoption Training Conference "Adoption '98: Networking for Children" on May 9, 1998 in Albany, NY.

A. Cultural myths

• The nuclear family's infulence is paramount.
• Early trauma cannot be undone.
• Adversity alwasy damages rather than challenges.
• Children from troubled families are doomed.

B. The study of resiliency is the latest version of the conflict of nature vs. nurture and is a "challenge to psychology's notion that what happens from 0-5 determines a life."

Genetically stress-prone monkeys raised by calm foster parents actually became more resilient than those infants who merely inherited a low stress response from their parents. These adaptive monkeys learned from their adoptive parents to distinguish truly threatening situations from nonthreatening ones, and they also learned to develop and use networks of social support. (Suomi, NIH)

C. Resilience is the set of attributes that provides us with the strength to "confront the overwhelming obstacles of life." Resilience is "being able to fall down seven times, get up eight."

D. Resiliency is a process, not an outcome. It is a continuous effort that is a normal part of life. Resilience ebbs and flows. All survivors have vulnerable times and times of great strength and growth.

Emmy Werner: Long-term study of 210 at-risk children on the island of Kauai:

1. Risk factors: Poverty, perinatal stress, family discord, divorce, parental alcoholism and parental mental illness.

• 1/3 developed into caring, competenet, confident adults
• More girls than boys overcame great odds
• Temperament impacted resilience
• Developed a close early bond with at elast one caregiver
• Developed "required helpfulness"

2. Kids who overcame adversity better than others did not seek out formal or institutional help. Instead, they turn to people they have grown to trust, because they see them regularly.

3. Spending money to improve reading skills is a more effective way of fostering resilience than putting resources into "self-esteem" programs that don't emphasize academic success.

Steven and Sybil Wolin, The Resilient Self: How Survivors of Troubled Families Rise Above Adversity:

Damage model - Children as passive objects in their lives
Challenge model - Children as active participants in their lives

1. In the damaged or fearful response, the body produces "a cocktail of horomones heavily laced with cortisol."

2. In the challenged or active response, the body is "flushed with adrenaline and sugar, which is most likely responsible for the sense of heightened awareness and 'flow' characteristics of a peak performance."

The Save-the-Child Drama - "children as the fortunate recipients of some benevolent adult's interest/attention."
The Resilient Child Drama - "the appealing child meets the potentially interested adult."

TEN ESSENTIAL LESSONS FROM THE TRENCHES

1. Good timber does not grow with ease; the stronger the wind, the stronger the trees: Family resiliency comes from family crisis!
2. Take charge: Adult-centered families are stronger than child-centered families!
3. Failure is feedback: The strongest families emerge from painful experiences with depth, energy and problem-solving abilities!
4. Optimistic families are healthier families: We can learn to resist helplessness!
5. Emphasize "doing" rather than "feeling": Feeling good is not the same as being good or doing good!
6. Parenting is an Experiment: Let go of the myth of unconditional love and parental omnipotence.
7. Break the rules: Improvise parenting and take great leaps of faith!
8. What you reward is what you get: We become the family that we think we are.
9. We need humor and laughter: When in doubt, make them laugh!
10. Connect: Create rituals, celebrations, stories, routines and traditions with family, friends, and communities.

Back to Conference 98           Back to NYSCCC Home Page

NYS Citizens' Coalition for Children, Inc.
410 East Upland Road • Ithaca, NY 14850
607-272-0034 • office@nysccc.org
7/14/05