Adoption as "Second Choice"
by Diane Hillmann Reprinted with permission of the author
From the Adoptive Families Association of Tompkins County Newsletter, Winter 1994.
...I've mentioned before some of the new connections I've made online with other members of the adoption triad. I've learned a lot from many of the people I've met online - they've broadened my horizons considerably and pushed me to think in different ways about things I've taken from granted as an adoptive parent. One of the things I've thought about most lately is the efforts made by organizations and parents to portray adoption as "not a second choice," and "just another valid way to form a family."
On one level, I don't argue with these efforts. It's important for all of us who live in families affected by adoption to assert to the outside world our "family-ness" and normality. For too many people, the first response to people announcing their intention to adopt is something like, "I'm sorry you can't have your own children." Particularly for those coming to adoption from infertility, this can be devastating. For parents adopting older, special-needs kids, the response is either, "You must be nuts," or "What a wonderful thing you're doing!" Neither of these responses is very easy to respond to, nor do they contribute to a sense of oneself as a "normal" person. For adopted kids, the idea that they are not just substitutes for the biological children their parents couldn't have is an important one, and, particularly for younger kids, enhances that all-important self-esteem.
What I've learned from my friends online, particularly the adoptees, is what a double-edged sword the "not the second-best' idea can be for them within the family. The reality is that for most people, adoption is not what they planned on, nor what they would have chosen had they had the choice. For adoptive parents, who made the choice to adopt as adults, putting a positive spin on what cards they've been dealt generally qualifies as healthy behavior. For adoptees, who probably did not have a choice in the matter, the positive view of adoption and the celebrations of their arrival can sometimes seem like a denial of the loss they've experienced. This may particularly be a factor with adoptees in adolescence, when the developmental tasks of separation make the issue of lost birth connections loom larger. At this stage, repetition of the stories of how the child arrived in his/her family, and how happy the adoptive parents were can be isolating, because the adoptees view is often much more ambivalent.
The differences is how adoptive parents and adoptees view these issues are exacerbated to some extent because adoptive parents generally do not talk about their losses with their children. We're so busy protecting them from any hint of not being exactly what we always wanted, that we forget that the common ground of all our experience is loss. When we assert that we were so happy when they came, sometimes it sounds to them like we were eager participants in the sad circumstances that made them adoptees in the first place.
Similarly, comments about 'lucky" the adoptee is to have landed in their adoptive family or how "grateful" they should be for the opportunities they've been provided (generally made by well-meaning family and friends) can trigger unexpected anger and resentment. How can a person who could not be raised in their family of origin consider themselves lucky?How can opportunities for normal family life, education or anythink else be appreciated by someone who feels disconnected (or in the case of some adoptees placed as older kids - torn, between two families, cultures or identities)? While not all adoptees feel the same about these issues, and their experiences vary widely, it's probably safe to say many of them spend a fair amount of time in that stage of grief characterized by feelings of anger (particularly while adolescents) and the "warm-fuzzy" view of adoption we present doesn't help.
For us as parents, I think it's important that we distinguish between the public and the private faces of adoption. This does not make us hypocrites; just realists. Knowing that adoption works for kids, and advocating for kids needing home does not mean that we're obliged to retain an "adoption-is-a-warm-fuzzy" attitude at home. Adoptive relationships, like most other relationships, cannot be fully expressed on a bumper sticker or a poster, and we don't need to apologize for that. What we we do need to do is recognize that we as adoptive parents and our children as adoptees are entitled to a full range of feelings about adoption, not just the ones we express to the world during National Adoption Month. As parents we need to listen to all the ambivalence our children express, and be willing to share with them, at the proper time, more of our own.
I remember once, in a discussion with one of my kids, listening to her talk of her sadness at no longer being with her birthfamily. Without thinking, I told her that if I had the power to change the past, I would have made it possible for her to have had birthparents who could have kept her and been good parents, even though that would have meant she would never have been my daughter. This seemed to surprise her, yet comfort her somehow. She interpreted my words as love, as they certainly were. As I thought about my impulsive words later, I realized that it was true - I loved her enough to wish for her not to have been adopted. But, as I told her later, if she had to be adopted, I was glad she ended up with me.
It's a bit more complicated than adoption-as-a warm-fuzzy, but much more real.
NYS Citizens' Coalition for Children, Inc.
410 East Upland Road • Ithaca, NY 14850
607-272-0034 • fax 607-272-0035
office@nysccc.org
08/04/04