What Do You Do After She Says,
"I'm Pregnant"?

by Diane I. Hillmann

Reprinted with permission
From the Adoptive Families Association of Tompkins County Newsletter

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When I began my adventures in adoption approximately 15 years ago, I had some thought that, as I was adopting older children, my experiences in parenting would be short, but intense. When you adopt an 11-year-old, I thought, you have some few years into which to compress all that parenting, before the child became an adult and moves into a more independent mode of life. Now, as the parent of four young adults, ranging in age from 19-29, I have come to believe that particularly for those of us who adopt older, special-needs children, the end to the job of parenting seems always just out of reach and never quite achieved.

This is particularly true for those of us who parent girls, and experience that dreaded moment when our nightmares come true and we must respond. Granted, in this day and age there are worse announcements for a parent to hear than, "Mom, I'm pregnant," but few situations present as many minefields for parents and so many opportunities for ongoing anguish.

For parents who came to adoption from infertility, the prospect of a pregnant teenaged daughter, perhaps unprepared for parenting, brings back all the pain and unfairness of their history as parents. For those who have had little exposure to the social welfare system, the fact that their child may be treated as an independent adult by agencies dealing with pregnant teens and they may be largely cut off from participation in decisions is often an additional shock.

It is most often the case that parents of pregnant teens have very little control over the outcomes of premature pregnancies; the most that can be hoped is that they manage to maintain some level of positive participation and are able to make clear what they will and will not do in support of their daughter's plans for her future.

Abortion
Although in many situations, the option of abortion is discussed, it can often be an enormous source of contention in the first stages of dealing with a pregnancy. Often families disagree (sometimes very strongly) about the option of abortion; parents because they might have had so many difficulties becoming parents (and understand better the enormous responsibilities of parenthood), and children because they see themselves as among those who "might have been" aborted, under other circumstances. Oftentimes, it makes better sense, if abortion is not immediately rejected by the teen as an option, but there are strongly differing opinions within the family about the issue, to have a third party, such as Planned Parenthood, counsel the teen, and not deal with the issue within the family.

Adoption
Depending on the teen's attitude about her own adoption, this may be an option to explore. Many adopted teens have little knowledge about current adoption practice, other than their own experiences. Teens who have struggled with the disconnection with even basic information common in closed adoptions may not understand that there are other kinds of adoptions available now, with options for openness and birthparent control unheard of a generation ago. Consider carefully your child's ability to maintain appropriate boundaries if a local open adoption is being considered--and make sure that a strong counseling component is part of the plan in any case.

It's important to remember that, particularly for a teen, there are enormous peer pressures against adoption (and often, abortion) and concurrent widespread expectations that pregnant teens will of course parent their babies, no matter their age, maturity or ability to live independently. To many of these girls making an adoption plan for their child smacks of failure and rejection--they fear that their children will feel all the negatives and confusion they may feel about their own birthfamilies. Particularly as teens are still intensely engaged in the developmental task of figuring out who they are, they often have strong desires to prove that they can do what their birthparents couldn't, coupled with very unrealistic ideas of what that might entail.

For more information about these options, contact your local adoptive parents group, a local adoption agency, or general organizations like Adoptive Families of America.

Raising the Child within the Family
This includes a range of options, among them: guardianship, temporary custody, adoption, etc., as well as option of helping a daughter raise the baby herself. These days the issue of parenting is usually approached independently of the issue of marriage, though not everyone considers that a cultural advance! Although some cultural and religious groups prefer marriage if a young couple chooses to parent, it's important to remember that marriage is generally much easier to get into than out of, and financial support often can be arranged just as easily without it.

In some respects, these options present the most complexities for adoptive parents. Decades ago, parents could effectively veto a child's decision to parent a child, since other options for financial support were few. Today, young women confronted by pregnancy may have other options for financial support, though few are aware of the limitations of that support or its potential for termination in today's political climate.

Parents must be realistic and direct about what they can and cannot do to support child and grandchild (child-raising help, babysitting, transportation, school, housing, finances, etc.). If at all possible, involve the potential father in decisionmaking--it will improve the chances of positive involvement on his part.

The Realities of Adoptive Grandparenting
There are lots of varieties of grandparenting under these circumstances, some quite different than the ones you may have experienced first hand. Keep in mind that some of these options involve choices you are able to make yourself, others are ones you may have no choice in whatsoever.

1. Do-it-yourself. The rise in drug use has created a surge in the number of grandparents raising their grandchildren. Though this phenomenon is certainly not limited to adoptive families, adoptees who may be consciously or unconsiously repeating their birthparents' patterns of premature parenthood are fairly common. Under some circumstances, for instance when a teen has attempted to parent for a period of time, then turns to parents when the situation becomes intolerable (or when Child Protective Services involvement makes removal of a child necessary), adoptive grandparenting can have certain echos of older child adoption, particularly for those whose experience of parenting was with special needs kids. The differences are two-fold: one, we've seen it before and have more realistic ideas about what we can change; two, we have less energy than we did the first time around!

One new difficulty that most adoptive parents didn't experience (even if they came to the experience through foster parenting) was having to deal with their still-child (whose need for parents may not have diminished all that much) and their grandchild (whose needs are at once more immedate and perhaps easier to meet). What happens when the needs of these two separate people happen to conflict? Social services involvement can be a mixed blessing--on the one hand caseworkers can provide a buffer and perform the services of "bad cop" when such is required, on the other hand their legal mandates and practice guidelines may make it even more difficult to maintain an appropriate balance between the needs of the teen parent and her very vulnerable child.

2. Open adoption grandparenting. In todays brave new world of adoption, relinquishment of legal ties doesn't always mean the severing of emotional ones, and some grandparents have been able to retain a place in the lives of their grandchildren placed for adoption in other families. This is roughly analagous to a situation where a child marries into an already existing family, given the number of new relationships that could conceivably result. It's a large undertaking, emotionally speaking, and not for the faint-hearted.

3. More-or-less traditional. Traditional grandparenting assumes relatively independent and responsible parents, which is normally not be the case when the parent is a teen, perhaps parenting on her own. For this model to succeed, the parent must be able to parent adequately (given the appropriate supports), and she must be willing to trust her own parents to behave as grandparents, e.g., not attempt to parent the baby themselves or show any overt signs of interfering in the precariously independent family so recently created. Obviously, setting boundaries and practicing the art of keeping one's mouth shut are essential skills to make this work. Not so different in some senses from "vanilla" grandparenting, but, like adoptive parenting, often more intense.

When this model gets sticky is when the teen parent's parenting is inadequate, or when abuse, neglect, drugs or dangerous lifestyles become part of the picture. This is particularly difficult for adoptive grandparents who have direct experience and knowledge of what an abusive and neglectful first year or two of life imply for a child, and how hard it will be for the child to overcome such a beginning. Many grandparents in this situation have a difficult time contemplating the possibility of calling in their own child for child abuse, but it may be the only way to protect a vulnerable grandchild. Take the time, preferably before the issue comes up, to discuss this issue with a new parent, and be clear that if it becomes necessary, you will make that call. When my daughter, now in her early twenties (but a first time mother five days after her 19th birthday) was called in to the child abuse hotline by a neighbor recently, my daughter was able to say firmly to the caseworker that I had a lot of contact with her children, and she was absolutely certain that if I thought she was abusing or neglecting them, I would have called her in myself!

4. Distant relations. I know several adoptive parents that have consciously chosen to have little or no contact with their grandchildren, a stance I understand and respect, given their situations. In some cases, when a child is clearly intent on a life that will destroy their children (this is unfortunately sometimes the case with drug involvement), the choice to not take on the painful burden of watching history repeat itself with one's grandchildren is an understandable one. Particularly when the chances are high that grandparents will eventually be asked to pick up the pieces, and the grandparents in question have no intention of parenting their grandchildren, it may be easier to keep to that resolve if there is not a relationship to begin with. There are also instances where the ongoing conflict with or hostility from parenting teens makes a positive grandparenting relationship impossible to maintain. In those cases, a respectful distance may be the wisest choice. Things may change as time passes (they often do when one is talking about teens), but modeling taking care of oneself is always appropriate.

Keeping Your Balance and Retaining Your Sanity

First three rules: Get support, get support, get support! Adoptive parent support groups often mature into adoptive grandparenting groups as time passes and these groups are often excellent resources. There are also many non-adoptive parents dealing with grandparenting issues, and perhaps raising their grandchildren as well. Make connections with people who are struggling with similar issues and search out organizations that include such people. This is particularly useful if you're actually raising your granchildren--unless you really like hanging around with twenty-somethings in the places where young children like to go!

Be prepared for the worst case scenario, and make sure you know how you want to proceed if your first plans fall through. Be clear with yourself about what you can and can't do for your child and grandchild, and practice setting appropriate limits. An example: I am perfectly comfortable with the idea of my non-parenting daughters resorting to shelters when they cannot maintain their own housing, but I've been reluctant to enforce the same solution on my daughter with young children. However, when I have allowed her to live at home for short periods between housing solutions, I generally make my bottom line quite clear on issues such as: smoking or drinking in the house, invitations to others when I'm not at home, dishes in the sink, etc.--issues on which I have no public opinion when they're living on their own. After my last few experiences with this, I've added a few more things to my list, with no apologies. I have no qualms about making the process of moving home an uncomfortable one--it ensures that she'll move out on her own again at the earliest opportunity! I also have fairly firm rules about lending or giving money (I never do, but I will occasionally buy groceries, but only staples and basics--no junk or soda), and only babysit when given adequate notice or in true emergencies (my definition prevails).

And the most important of all-- do maintain a sense of humor, even if it tends towards the darker hued variety. Remind yourself that just as you have had a positive effect on your children, you have the skills and knowledge to do the same for your grandchildren, given the opportunity. As grandparents, we often have little control over the outcome of our grandchildren's lives, but we can always try to be the best grandparents we can be for the sake of our grandchildren.

NYS Citizens' Coalition for Children, Inc.
410 East Upland Road • Ithaca, NY 14850
607-272-0034 • fax 607-272-0035
office@nysccc.org
08/04/04