Maintaining Commitment
When a Child Can't Live at Home

By Diane I. Hillmann

Reprinted with permission
From the Adoptive Families Association of Tompkins County Newsletter, Fall 1994

Like many parents of older, special needs adopted children, there have been times when my children have not been able to live at home, sometimes for extended periods. No matter how they happen, those times of separation are a particular challenge for a parent who may feel battered and bruised, but not ready or willing to give up the commitment he or she made to parenting that child.

This commitment can be difficult for others to understand or support, especially if they have never parented such a child. Extended family and friends may see the toll the child has taken on you and the rest of the family and urge you to walk away or "give back" the child. Professionals, even those who should know better, often make similar recommendations, calling the adoption "disrupted" or "broken beyond repair." Even the child involved may be adding his or her voice to the chorus, making it clear by word or silence that what you do is of no interest or concern. Particularly if it looks like the child may never be able to return to family life, it often seems that the consensus from all is to cut losses and bail out.

This may not be the best answer, either for the child or the family involved. Whether due to stubbornness, guilt, or conviction, parents often resist recommendations to give up on children during these difficult moments, but the question remains; if the kid's not at home, how can you parent?

As the single adoptive parent of four special needs daughters, adopted between the ages of 8 and 16 and now ages 17 to 27, my experiences with children living away from home range from short-term psychiatric hospitalization to long-term foster care, but the techniques and methods of maintaining commitment and contact remain the same. Two out of four of my children have severe attachment problems, and their ability to accept and/or tolerate a relationship with me has varied over the years. What hasn't varied is my commitment to them--that commitment and how I choose to exercise it has often been the only thing I have any control over. I try to remind myself frequently that my commitment was to parent this child, not necessarily to live with her.

This distinction between parenting a child and living with the child is essential to maintaining commitment. In our traditional ideal of families, children live with parents until they complete their education and find a job, go away to college, or marry. In real families, these tried and true methods of "leaving the nest" still happen, but other methods also occur, such as: blowing out, attending boarding school, or living in a residential treatment facility. Just as it's important to remember that children attending college or grown-and-married-with-children still need their parents, so do children whose behavior and/or emotional disturbances make home life impossible still need parents.

Sorting out what you can and can't do for a child who can't live at home depends to some extent on whether the separation from home is temporary or permanent. Some of the techniques are the same in both situations, others may vary based on what the child can tolerate from a relationship, or whether the child is institutionalized or living independently (possibly on the streets).

In most situations it's important to focus on the long-term needs of the child as well as the short term needs. The child's need for a family lasts for a lifetime, not just until they reach 16 or 18 or 21. Many kids go through a period during adolescence when they reject parents; those adopted as older children may do this with particular vigor and conviction. It's also not unusual for adopted kids to return to birth families during late adolescence, and adoptive parents may be told to buzz off, or some variation thereof. It sometimes helped me during those times to remind myself that 16-year-olds are generally considered to be "unfinished," and can be expected to change their attitudes many times before they leave adolescence.

It's not unusual for children unable to live at home to refuse to communicate with parents at all. This may take the form of refusing to participate in therapy, refusing to come to the phone, all the way to verbal abuse. In these instances, I've resorted to one-way communication. Since I've always been a letter-writer (even in the days before word processing), I've tended to prefer letters as my method. Most kids will read them, even if they won't admit that they do (much less reply). For non-letter-writers, there are many choices of cards available, from blank-inside to extremely touchy-feely; choices can be based on the situation and the style of the sender and recipient.

The important thing is not to expect or demand reciprocity. Keep sending those cards and letters no matter what you get in return, be it indifference or anger. Keep the messages in those letters simple, positive, uncritical and loving. Relate daily events, tell funny stories, or share feelings and responses to the weather, changing seasons in the back yard, or world events. Try enclosing newspaper clippings or magazine articles that you find interesting or which relate to someone the child knows or admires. I've continued to maintain magazine subscriptions for my children that come to them at home. Passing those magazines on to them provides a "reason" for communicating with them, and means that I rarely visit empty-handed. Subscriptions are rarely possible any other way for children in institutional situations, those who move frequently, or live on the streets.

When you're in this mode, it's important not to force telephone or face-to-face contact if the child doesn't want it. Insofar as is possible, let the kid be in control of the decision-making on those kinds of contacts. Make it clear that though you would like to see or speak with him or her, you respect the child's decision and will abide by it.

If the child is in an institutional setting, make sure you have a "contact" person and that you stay in regular communication with that person. Give them information that you have about the child and ask questions about the progress the child is making. If there are opportunities for family therapy sessions or mediated visits, make sure you show up when invited or expected. Make sure they let you know when your child needs something you can provide (not necessarily always material things), and don't let the institution hog all the opportunities for nurturing the child. When the child asks you for something, give it if you can; if you can't, give him or her a part or explain what you can do instead. If it's something you can't do, explain why (preferably in writing or followed up by a letter) in a way this particular child can understand, and DO send a copy to your contact person for their information. Above all, don't feel guilty about what you can't or won't do--the child will invariably use that guilt to manipulate you!

It's very important to keep the staff at the institution informed about the child's contacts with you. If they have concerns about your letters or the child acts out when they're received, send them copies of the letters beforehand so they can see that they're not negative or punitive. Copy this contact person on important communications, whether legal or therapeutic, and make sure they understand that you expect the same of them.

Parents whose children are in institutional or other settings where there may be visiting sometimes find a child's expectation of gifts or money to be problematic. I've tended to keep gifts inexpensive and personal; books, favorite muffins, homemade bread, or a special brand of hot chocolate have all worked well. I never give money, though occasionally groceries (NEVER the groceries the child would have chosen, however!).

If your child is not in a safe, therapeutic setting, you can still maintain contact. Letters and cards still work, and if you don't have an address, sometimes a sympathetic caseworker or community person will convey them for you. In these situations, you may be subjected less to silence than active hostility. Protect yourself as much as possible against the child's anger, and turn off your phone at night if abusive or hang-up calls interrupt your sleep. Practice graceful and loving exits from hostile calls or visits, and make sure you make contact with your local police if you have concerns about your personal safety or the security of your home. If you think your child might retaliate against you by filing charges of abuse, make sure you don't see him or her without a third party present. Particularly if your child is not taking care of him- or herself, the model you provide of taking care of yourself is vitally important.

Probably the most important thing you need to do is to get support from other parents who are similarly situated; there are more out there than you think! Finding good support will allow you to deal with your anger and pain away from the child and any caseworkers or other "helping" professionals you may need to deal with. These professional people may be making decisions that affect you, and their perception of you as someone who is not coping well may not work in your favor. As part of this effort to take good care of yourself, you may want to concentrate on something in your life that gives you a feeling of competence and mastery. A hobby can help, especially if it has nothing to do with children!

Above all, don't be surprised if people think you're crazy for hanging in with this child. The ones who don't think you're crazy will nominate you for sainthood, but in fact those of us who've been there realize that neither of these extremes are real. Parents with difficult kids, adopted or otherwise, are just trying to be good parents, attempting to do the best we can under less than ideal circumstances.

NYS Citizens' Coalition for Children, Inc.
410 East Upland Road • Ithaca, NY 14850
607-272-0034 • fax 607-272-0035
office@nysccc.org
08/04/04