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An Adoptive Parent Writes:

My husband and I adopted our daughter 4 yrs ago. I am Filipino-Irish, my husband is Caucasian, and our daughter is African American. We have quite a blended extended family consisting of Spanish, Filipino, Black, Native American Indian, etc., and our daughter attends a progressive, diverse daycare. We have an open adoption and see her birth mom and her family a few times a year, living only 45 minutes away. She knows she was in her birth mom's tummy and that we brought her home from the hospital and that she is LOVED by so many more than she will ever know. We believe that the access to her bio family is the BEST thing we can provide for her with regard to her heritage.

Having said that, I have been surprised at the issue of skin color already in her world! A few times when I've picked her up from school, her little friends have asked why we do not have the same skin color. I tell them it's because God made us the way he wanted us, and they all seem to accept that short answer. Last night she threw me for a loop when she told me, "I'm different than the other kids." I told her she sure was, that she is SPECIAL. I then asked her why she said that, and she said, "My skin is brown." I told her what a beautiful brown color it was, and then she told me that she wanted her skin to be white. I loved on her and told her that God made her brown and that could not be changed and asked her why she wanted her skin to be white. She said that there were not many brown kids at her school, only one girl. I reminded her of the many other kids of varying degrees of brownness at her school, including her brown teacher who adores her. But it broke my heart to hear these words from my baby girl's mouth.

She is a strong, beautiful, confident and happy child, and I hate to think of her being upset about her skin color. I can somewhat relate because I wanted blond hair/blue eyes growing up after my stepsister joined my family, and my stepmom pushed my sister and me to be like her. That was the first time I felt inadequate, and I did not embrace my ethnicity. I was not living with my mothe,r and my Filipino heritage was not talked about. I felt like I missed out on a lot not living in my bio mom's house, but I do realize that that was my path in life too. I didn't get into my ethnicity until I was in my mid-20's, and I feel so much more complete now.

Any nuggets of wisdom for us? I don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill, but I do want to help her develop a healthy, positive self-image. Any recommended reading, groups, activities?

Thanks so much in advance!

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John Raible Answers:

Reading suggestion: Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria and Other Conversations About Race by Beverly Daniel Tatum.

Activity suggestion: Immerse your daughter in environments with lots of people--kids AND adults--who share her skin color. Provide this for her throughout her childhood, even if you have to rethink where you live. Good luck.

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