Ask the Experts!!

An Adoptive Parent Writes:

I am a single white mother with an African American son who I adopted at birth and who is now 7. We are currently looking for a new home. We are renters and I doubt that I will be able to find anything in my price range in our current neighborhood.

This weekend I fell in love with a little house in the suburbs. It's got everything I'm looking for as the mother of an athletic little boy who loves the outdoors -- a yard to play in, quiet streets with sidewalks for bike riding, proximity to several playgrounds and parks, and a reasonable commute. Walking around the neighborhood I saw several black children his age playing outside, including a couple right on his street. The school has a good repuation, good test scores for students of all races, and is in a well funded district with a curriculum that suits his learning style. However, demographically, the school serves a relatively small number of African American students. According to the school system's website, the school is "20.9% African American, 0.6% American Indian, 11.6% Asian American, 31.4% Hispanic and 35.6% White". If these numbers are accurate, it would the first my time my son has attended a school that is less than 1/4 African American. I love the fact that the school is predominantly children of color, and that he'd be exposed to a wide variety of familes and ethnicities, but worry that he wouldn't have enough contact specifically with children and families like his own.

I don't expect the school to be my son's only source of contact with the African American community, but I know that it's a crucial one, especially as he grows up and becomes more independent of me. We have a lot of other things in place such as a number of African American friends who we see regularly, he plays on several integrated sports teams coached by Black fathers (I intentionally seek out such teams), and we regularly read books, attend concerts and performances, and go to museum exhibits related to African and African American culture. We are also members of an African American organization related to one of our families hobbies, and do activities with them. We also attend an annual camp for White/Black adoptive families with African American counselors. Nonetheless, I don't think any of these things can take the place of having African American friends, neighbors and teachers he sees every day.

If I decide to look for a neighborhood with a larger African American population it seems that I will have 3 choices. 1) moving into a small apartment -- something that would be difficult for him, given his personality, 2) moving into a community where the schools are underfunded with large classes and little in the way of arts and enrichment, and 3) moving to a more distant suburb, making my daily commute longer -- leading to less time with him, and making it more difficult to keep him on his current sports teams, visit grandma, or take advantage of cultural opportunities in the city. I am willing to make those sacrifices if it's the best thing for my child, but I'm not convinced it is.

I guess my question is -- does this community sound like it would a workable match for our family -- or should I keep looking? How do I figure out how to prioritize between his need to be connected to his community of birth, and his other needs (good schools, the chance to do those things he loves and excels at like riding his bike, hiking, playing sports, and his need to stay connected with his extended adoptive family)? We've been lucky so far in that we've been able to live in a community that has a large African American population, good schools, and nice housing, but as I said we're being priced out of it.

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Michelle Johnson Answers:

Moving is one of the first things I advise parents to do for their children in cross cultural placements. I believe my life would have been exponentially richer had this occurred for me. Many parents seek permission before the fact or blessings after the fact about this decision, and they do not receive it from me. This is a huge life altering decision, and I rarely have enough information to make an informed recommendation. I don't think most people struggle long or hard enough with this choice, which can lead to feelings of isolation on the part of the child. Children need to see themselves consistently in both other adults and children to have a solid beginning to relationship building in their birth cultures. This also affects self image/esteem.

In your message you say you doubt you will find anything suitable in your neighborhood. I interpret this as an admission that you have either not bothered or not done an exhaustive search. For the sake of your son, I hope it is the latter, as the former is unacceptable. Aside from cultural issues, adopted children of all ethnicities also face trauma with moves, and it would be a true tragedy if there was something in your neighborhood or community that was overlooked.

My parents were from the time when these questions were not asked, so I am very understanding about their decision to raise me in the suburbs. You do not enjoy this luxury of being able to say "I didn't know" to your son some day if he is miserable in his new neighborhood for some weeks or years as some of us were. So beyond asking your son for his input, also check in with your African American friends if you have not done so. Share the burden of this heavy decision with those you love and trust. Do everything to make the most highly informed decision. Also, be open to moving again ASAP if your son tells you or starts showing signs that the change was not in his best interest.

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