Ask the Experts!!

A Prospective Adoptive Parent Writes:

We are a white, gay male couple. We live in Los Angeles, but in a pretty white neighborhood. We have many gay friends who have created families through adoption. We do not have any friends of color, not by choice, it's just how it turned out. We are very open to the idea of a transracial adoption, but we are concerned that the combination of having two dads layered on top of racial identity issues would be a lot to ask of a child.

What are your thoughts on same-sex/transracial adoptions?

Thanks for your great site. I am one of the many who "stumbled" onto it and truly appreciate all the information

 

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John Raible Answers:

As I am sure you are aware, children who are adopted face predictable challenges as they mature. For example, they must figure out how to make sense of the ongoing grieving process that many adopted people experience throughout their lives. In addition, adoptees struggle to reconcile a distorted sense of identity.

Children who are adopted into another culture to be raised by parents of a different race face added challenges. You can read a great deal about the major issues they face on this web site in other posts.

Adding a third layer of difference by stigmatizing the status of the adoptive parent or parents can certainly increase the stress level of the adoptee. Stigmatization can happen, for instance, when marginalized parents adopt, be they followers of non-mainstream religions, sexual minorities, physically or mentally challenged, and so on.

As a gay dad myself, I can tell you that I thought I was doing an adequate job preparing my sons for homophobia. Not until they were young adults did I discover that they had suffered lot more teasing and bullying at school - and not just from kids, but teachers as well - than I was ever aware was going on. It seems that kids want to protect their parents. Or, they didn't want their politically correct and militant dad going down to their school and causing a scene. Whatever the reasons for their silence, I feel bad that I couldn't protect them from the mean people out there. My sons had enough to deal with as foster care survivors and adoptees being raised in a transracial family.

A final thought: I get really annoyed when I meet gay parents who think they already know all about prejudice simply because they are gay or lesbian. Until you walk a mile in a black or brown skin in America, you will never understand how different racism is from other forms of oppression. Your son or daughter will need you to provide role models who look like him or her, especially as they approach the teen years. I strongly suggest that you be proactive about making friends with people who share the cultural and racial background of your child! Get started now.

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