Ask the Experts!!

A Prospective Adoptive Parent Writes:

We are new (white) foster parents who plan to adopt our new black foster daughter. She is almost five. She is smart and very inquisitive about the family situation. I struggle with how to expose her to black role models. I have one black friend who I do not see that often (due to proximity), and I know of several transracial adoptive families in my area.

The question I have is, "Will my daughter benefit from arranged friendships that expose her to other children similar to her, or will she be better off with us (as a family) sending her a consistent message that race is just one part of what defines a person?" So far, she has been interacting with another adopted (Korean) girl from next door. Jane is 11 and is sort of transfixed with this new little creature in our home-- knowing she arrived the same way years earlier.

We have chosen both Jane and my cousin Sarah to sponsor our daughter at her upcoming baptism. Sarah is biracial (23) and has never known her father. We believe they can mentor our daughter with regards to addressing and coping with more than just transracial issues. The bigger obstacle (in my opinion) is the loss of her birth parents.

One more question, I am confident in 99.9% of raising this girl. However, I have one very big fear and that is her pressing me for information about her biological family. Her mother is an absconded parolee, her three uncles are in prison, and I do not know her father's whereabouts. She has mentioned several times (during the four months she has lived with us) that she wants to be with her "mom" again someday. I know she is very young and in time she will stop talking about it.

I hate lying to her. She tells me that her mom lives in Detroit. I respond, "I don't know where she is." It feels sort of sickening to lie to this little babe who has been so let down by the adult world. I know as time progresses the questions will become more probing and more insistent. What do I say? I so far have used the broken record technique. "Your Mom & Dad loved you but they could not parent you." It feels so phony and rehearsed. Any suggestions with regard to this?

Thanks.

P.S. I think society IS becoming more tolerant of transracial families. I have read so many books that warned me about the looks and comments, but I have experienced nothing negative. In fact, most people smile and are extremely supportive. Nothing feels "weird" like the families of previous generations mentioned. Maybe this melting pot thing is really working?

 

---

John Raible Answers:

In response to your first question: Instead of an either/or dichotomy, how about trying both/and? In other words, think of it this way: your daughter will benefit from exposure to others like her AND from your consistent love and support as a parent, including the message that race "is just one part of what defines a person." You don't have to choose one parenting approach over another.

I would be careful not to prioritize for your daughter which issue, adoption or race, will be bigger in her life. So much depends on many factors-- like where you decide to raise her, her personality, how you as her parents feel about race and about adoption, the messages she gets about how freely she can talk about these issues as she grows up, whether she feels isolated and totally different from the kids around her as an adoptee and as a child of color with white parents, and so on. My advice is to immerse yourselves in learning as much as you can now about race and about adoption, and then pay attention to her questions and behavior as she matures. That way you will be ready to address issues about race AND adoption as they come up.

I think it's great that she is already talking about her birth mom. When you say, "I know she will stop talking about it in time," it sounds to me like perhaps you want her to grow out of these concerns. I encourage you to welcome her ability and willingness to verbalize her concerns as a gift. Maybe you already do this. Do what you can to keep her talking. Adopted children need to talk with their adoptive parents who can listen without feeling threatened or rejected. You can return the gift just by listening supportively and allowing her to verbalize her feelings as they come up during the different stages of her development.

As for sharing the facts about why she is not with her birth family, I believe honesty is the best policy. But before you divulge sensitive information about how she wound up in foster care, it might be good to examine your own feelings about her birth parents and come to terms with both the good and bad things they did for their (and now your) daughter. As your little girl grows up, she will scrutinize you for any little clue about how you really feel about her and where she came from. As she struggles to feel connected and to belong in your family, she will probably wonder why you love her, and if you can truly love her since she came from "bad" people. Help her understand that her birth parents are actually not bad people, but rather were not able to parent her properly, and that is why she is not being raised by them. Try to find positive things to say about them, too, so that she knows you value them at least minimally as the parents who brought her into the world so that you could be a family, or something like that. Make sure she doesn't have to choose which set of parents she can love-- she should be told clearly that it's okay to love both sets.

About your melting pot comment: Yes, it's great that it does seem that more people are accepting of transracial families. However, a lot depends on what part of the country you live in, and what kind of community you reside in. Are there other families like yours around? Does your daughter stand out as some kind of exotic freak, or does she fit in with others who look like her?

Also, as a white mother, it is to be expected that you will get smiles and even compliments from strangers for doing what you did. In their eyes, you rescued a needy child. Who could object to that? But PLEASE understand that your children's experience will never be the same as your experience. They WILL feel stared at, maybe not as often as in the past, but it is an uncomfortable feeling to always be in the gaze of the public. Imagine if you yourself had to grow up in a community of mostly men and boys, and how you would feel whenever you went out as a family, or alone. Your father and brothers might not notice people staring, because they are the norm. But don't you think you, as a girl, would feel the burning eyes of the other males watching your every move? Adults who are used to moving comfortably through their social environment will have a fundamentally different experience of belonging than a child who is physically different from the majority.

One other thing: strangers and friends and neighbors will no doubt smile while your daughter is in the cute and cuddly stage. After all, I am sure she is irresistible. Be prepared, nonetheless, for those smiles to fade as your daughter approaches adolescence. Other parents may not welcome her as much as it becomes time for kids to start dating and exploring their budding sexuality. Neighbors who tolerate kids of color as young playmates and classmates unfortunately can show their true colors when it looks like their own children might bring someone like your daughter home to marry. Peers buy into ideas about race separation, too, which becomes especially heightened in middle and high school. For insights, read Beverly Tatum's book, Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? After reading that, I think you will agree that the melting pot is a myth.

NYSCCC Home Page             Transracial Voices & Resources