Ask the Experts!!

An Adoptive Parent Writes:

My partner and I recently adopted a beautiful little girl. She is now seven weeks old. He is mixed race and I am caucasian (though to the outside world, he looks caucasian).  His family has hues of every color; mine is pretty much vanilla. My concerns and questions are multiple here. Our daughter will be raised by two fathers who look seemingly white. We are also raising her Jewish, since that is my heritage and is the religious community where we are accepted. Is this too much to ask of our daughter? It seems like quite a burden to carry, to not totally fit in somewhere within your social circles. We both know how important it will be to have her connected to the black community, but what about religion?  We live in a very accepting and warm community but know this is not how the world is. Any advice you can give us would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

---

John Raible Answers:

Your question about raising Jewish children comes at a good time. I recently returned from a conference where a Jewish adoptive parent on a panel of transracial adoptive parents talked about her decision to raise her children (both adopted and non-adopted) in her family's Jewish tradition. As a veteran parent, she shared her reflections about her interracial Jewish family.

What I thought was most interesting was when she related an informal survey she conducted among other Jewish transracial adoptive families. Apparently, kids had the hardest time adjusting when they felt forced to fit into Jewish communities where the primary emphasis was on being Jewish. But because of the racial differences, they never really fit in. If I understood her correctly, I think she was saying that if Judaism is held up as the priority, with the expectation that all family members will embrace it no matter what, problems may arise.

I understood her also to say that Jewish adoptive families who live out the values from that tradition, without necessarily insisting that the children follow all the rituals and traditions (like attending services at predominantly white temples where they may feel out of place, and where they may even experience some racism, as this parent pointed out happened to her children), holds out a better promise for family unity. She told us how she came to realize that for her family, being together as a family was what being Jewish was all about, rather than a more abstract insistence on following ritual.

Another thing I remember her saying was how surprised she was to realize that some of the members of her Jewish community (whom she had assumed would welcome all of her children) actually resented the participation of her adopted children. This is a pattern I hear over and over from many white parents, Jewish or not-- that the people whom they love and count on, whether family, neighbors, or members of places of worship-- may be more racist than they realize. Luckily, as was pointed out at the conference session where this topic was discussed, there are now increasing numbers of interracial Jewish temples and synagogues that will feel more welcoming to transracial adoptive families. Conscientious parents may have to think seriously about moving to more cosmopolitan towns and cities (and leaving all-white enclaves behind) to join such religious communities.

Finally, I have heard people of color (adopted and non-adopted) who also identify as Jewish talk about how race often takes precedence over Jewish religion or culture. That is, they are often seen and treated as people of color first, and Jewish second. I can imagine how their white parents might feel that being Jewish was their own primary identity, and as a result, downplay color or racial heritage. But for their children of color, race frequently becomes the most salient identity. Therefore, Jewish kids of color need to be prepared to deal with color-based prejudice as well as anti-Semitism.

Are we burdening our children with too many identities and issues to confront? You ask a very good question. Ultimately, only your child can answer that. As a gay father, I know there were times my sons felt the sting of homophobia, at school, for instance, because their dad was gay. And, I assume this happened much more often than they ever told me about. I also know full well that as African American males whose father is biracial (and not fully black, to some eyes), this added another layer of complexity for them to sort out. And, as an adoptee myself, of course I could sympathize with their adoption-related issues. They are grown now and still struggling with many complicated interrelated issues. The jury is still out on how they will "turn out." They will have their own stories to tell about growing up in the midst of much prejudice and diversity.

NYSCCC Home Page             Transracial Voices & Resources