Ask the Experts!!

A Prospective Adoptive Parent Writes:

My husband and I are both white and live in the Caribbean. Virtually all of our friends and associates around us are Kittician and of African descent. Perhaps I am injecting something I shouldn't, but I feel some of the future (white) parents on this board need to realize how important hair is to many of the children, teenagers, and adults I have been friends with. As a "white lady," I've tried to help out with some of the orphans, and everyone laughs at my attempts to "plait" or braid hair. It is an art, and if we adopt an African American girl, we would most definitely find a talented person to ensure she has hair like her peers.

Also, the question on this board about the baby not having his hair cut until he is one year old. This is a common practice here on the island, but I have yet to see one baby with an afro. They put the baby boys' hair in plaits or braids until they are around one or two years old. The first time watching this, I assumed it was painful until I saw the children falling asleep while their hair was being braided. All children tell me it "feels nice."

While living here, I have had the opportunity of volunteering at the orphanage. We also attend church and are highly involved in the community. The children at the orphanage and church love to touch my hair, look at the veins on my skin, etc. One time, a girl took a strand of my blond hair and put it on her head and said, "If I do this, maybe my hair will be soft and long like yours." I was able to bring back some ethnic dolls, but the children were somewhat taken back and asked me why I didn't bring any white dolls with me. I was then told that they love the little white dolls. On one visit, a two year old sat on my lap and proceeded to rub her arms. I asked her what she was doing, and she said she was trying to rub her color off so she could look like me. I could go on and on about this.

These children watch our American television obsessively. They want all of the things that they see on commercials. Many resent how they look, where they live, everything about themselves. I don't have a degree in sociology and have not been formally educated in these issues; this is just my opinion from my experiences. I am wondering if African children and adolescents living in a world where they perceive white people with all the power and money inherently question their value as a person of ethnic diversity, regardless of adoption? Perhaps it is this island of extreme poverty that causes this situation. What are your thoughts on this? If we do adopt an African American girl, how can we as white parents help her deal with these negative situations?

 

---

John Raible Answers:

Your question (and comments) raised a lot of provocative issues, which we could discuss for hours. However, here is my simplest, most straight-forward response to your question:

I learned to love myself as a person of color from two main influences: (1) my adoptive parents, who did a commendable job exposing me to African American literature and culture as a child, and (2) by hanging around and befriending other proud, well-educated, and culturally-connected African Americans as a young adult.

I would suggest that if you want your future adopted child to grow up feeling good about her heritage and skin color, she needs to be immersed in African American culture and surrounded by culturally aware black people, i.e., people who have had the opportunity to gain education about African American history, culture, and the history of racism, slavery, and colonization. Obviously, not all black people have had the privilege of learning this kind of history, nor have they all been lucky enough to meet and mingle with proud, aware, confident, competent, and highly educated fellow blacks. This may have as much to do with socio-economic class as with education.

Rooting out internalized racism and self-hatred is a long-term, ongoing process. Books and artifacts can help, but the trick is to find like-minded African American adults who have done their own inner work, and who share a cultural orientation that encompasses an anti-racist, anti-colonialist perspective and world view. Good luck finding or creating such a community for you and your daughter!

 

 

NYSCCC Home Page             Transracial Voices & Resources