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An Adoptive Parent Writes:

First, I am thrilled to have "stumbled" upon this website and am eagerly awaiting a reply. We have four children who joined our family by adoption, all at birth. Our oldest child is 16, a boy and Hispanic. Our next one is 12, a girl and European-American. Our third child is 4, a girl and African-American, and our last child is 2 years old and we are unsure of her ethnic makeup. I have two questions, and I apologize for the lengthiness, but I think about them frequently and hope that you can provide some insight. My thanks in advance.

1. We live in a southern state in an upper-middle class neighborhood that is primarily white. Our two older children attend private parochial schools that are next to each other and 2 minutes from our house. In fact, my husband works at the high school that our son attends. Initially, our children had attended our neighborhood public schools that were much more racially diverse. Unfortunately, we felt that they did not receive the spiritual and values-oriented atmosphere that we wanted for them and there were significant negative issues that they faced daily in the school setting so we decided, after much soul searching, to transfer them to a school that we thought could provide a more positive environment, as well as a better academic environment. We have been very happy with that decision for them.

Now, our 4 yr. old daughter is attending the preschool program in the same school where her sister is in 6th grade and the "logical" plan would be for her to continue on in that school. Recently, I have begun to think more and more about how she may feel being one of a very few African-American students in her school and it makes me sad. I love the school, the teachers are wonderful, the kids are great, education is superb - but, it's just so "white". If I choose to send her to our neighborhood public school she will certainly be around more African-American children but she will face all the same issues that I didn't like for her older brother and sister.

What's more important, that she has a racially diverse school and not the best education or atmosphere, or that she is in a school that matches our values and has a much better academic curriculum? Ideally, we would live in a racially diverse neighborhood and there would be many opportunities for her to socialize with African-American people, but the fact is that we live near my husband's work and our other children's school, and moving is not really an option. I am really struggling with what to do. Any suggestions?

2. My second question regards our youngest daughter. When we adopted her, her birthmother (who is European-American) said that the birthfather was African-American and described him physically to us (she denied knowing who the birthfather was to the adoption agency (only telling them that he was African-American). Later, we discovered that because of some emotional issues, our daughter's birthmother had lied to us about some very significant things.

Now we don't know whether to believe her story that our daughter is African-American and European-American or not. Why? Because our daughter has absolutely no African-American characteristics. Her skin color is very light (there is no darkening anywhere on her body, not even her elbows, knees, belly button), her hair is brown and fairly straight, and she has no African-American facial features. In essence,she looks completely European-American. Our dilemma is what if her birthmother is telling the truth? We would want our daughter to appreciate and celebrate ALL of her heritage. On the other hand, if we raise her with the knowledge that she is part African-American and she is not, what does that do to her sense of identity? Especially when society will view her as "white" and we are telling her she is African-American and European-American. Our only option seems to be to tell her that we honestly don't know ? which just doesn't seem good enough. Any thoughts?

 

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John Raible Answers:

1. As you state in your question, ideally you "would live in a racially diverse neighborhood." It sounds like you believe in diversity and in providing opportunities for your children to be around African American people. It is too bad that the only choice you've identified is between diversity or quality education. I know there are independent schools that make it a point to recruit a diverse student body and faculty. If you can afford it, perhaps you might consider sending your child(ren) to such a private school. There you would find both diversity, quality education, and maybe even the spiritual values you are looking to instill.

The other option that comes to mind is rethinking your decision about where you are living. You don't identify what city you live in, but my guess is there must be a more integrated neighborhood somewhere. Moving would allow your whole family to get to know people of a variety of cultural and socioeconomic backgrounds. You probably would not want to provide diversity just for your African American daughter. That could send the message that this is her issue, not the family's issue.

I think you are smart to be thinking proactively about how your daughter is going to feel being the only African American child in her environment. Being the only one is rarely easy, and social isolation can impact one's sense of self-esteem, self-confidence, and even one's opportunities to learn to one's full potential. Planning now for your daughter's future success is a really good parenting move.

2. You have given readers an excellent reason to push for openness in adoption. Not knowing information about a child's birth parents can be aggravating, confusing, and emotionally unsettling. (If you think you feel bad as a parent, imagine how adopted adults feel to not have access to their own personal information!) You have articulated clearly how frustrating it can be to not know the truth about one's origins. I suggest going back to the agency and requesting (or demanding) as much information as they can give you about your daughter's origins. Here's an idea: If she was in foster care prior to her adoption, the foster family may be able to tell you some things the social workers "forgot" to mention.

You may already know enough African Americans to know that they come in all colors and hair textures, including blond and straight and blue eyed. In my experience as a racially ambiguous biracial person, while white people may be left wondering, African Americans always know that I am, at least partially, of African American heritage. You state that "society will view her as white." But will they? And which segments of society will see her as white? How do African Americans view her?

Also be aware that hair texture can change over time, especially after puberty. As your daughter grows up, and as her identity develops, she may feel the need to explore ties to various communities as she figures out her sense of self. She will notice how others view her and treat her. If others ever react to her as a child of color, rather than as white, I would say it will become more important that she has access to other multiracial or biracial people in her life. Racial identity is not as simple as checking off the right box on a census form. Identities are fluid and shift in response to social contexts. This brings us back to my first point in the importance of diversity over time as she progresses through childhood. The more different kinds of people she has to identify with, the better her chances of finding the people around whom she can feel comfortable and be her multiracial, racially ambiguous self.

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