Ask the Experts!!

An Adoptive Parent Writes:

My wife and I adopted a wonderful baby boy 16 months ago, and are in the process of trying to adopt a second child. Our current son has a very multicultural background (Polynesian, East Indian, Afghan) and in appearance he looks primarily East Indian. We have had custody of him since birth.

We are struggling with a decision on the ethnicity of our next child. My wife and I are Caucasian. We live in a small city (90,000 pop.) that is probably 70% caucasian with large communities of East Indians, Japanese, Chinese and Native Indians. We are encouraged by the fact there is even greater diversity in the schools.

We have always assumed our next child should have fairly similar features to our son, to provide a connection and shared experiences. This assumption is based on a vague feeling that it would be best for our son (and future child) but we have no more thoughtful analysis to back it up (or refute it).

To date, we have been looking at an international adoption from South America for the next child. But, our social worker has suggested that we also consider local adoptions. In fact there is a possibility we may have an opportunity to adopt a local caucasian baby in the next few months. The question is, what effect may this have on our son? We have a real concern that our son may be harmed in some way by being the only non-white in the family. Especially if others assume the caucasian child is our biological child, while our current son is clearly not. At the core of this, is the fear that our son may feel he is "second best" (though this is not the only danger area). We have been told by everyone we raise this issue with, that we are good parents and will be able to deal with anything that arises.

Frankly, that's not very reassuring. We will definitely be adopting a second child, but the emotional health of our son is the most important consideration. Having said all that, we don't want to close the door on any good opportunities because of our own misconceptions of child psychology. We would very much appreciate any guidance or opinions on what/if any effect adding a caucasian child to our family may have on our son.

 

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John Raible Answers:

What an interesting question, posed by a challenging situation. I am often asked whether I would have felt better had my parents adopted another child of color so I wouldn't have grown up as the only one in our family. My usual response is, not necessarily, because what I needed most (in addition to the love and care I received from my parents) was connection to African American and biracial adults. I feel I needed that especially during adolescence, when questions of identity emerge full force, and as I became increasingly aware of racism as I experienced it.

Having said that, as an adult, I have met a number of adult transracial adoptees who, looking back on their childhoods, claim that having a sibling who looked like them was a huge factor in how they coped with their minority status in their family. Since I cannot speak to this from personal experience, I encourage you to seek out their voices.

As a forty-one year old adult adoptee, I now challenge parents and others to remember that adopted children grow up. That is, we do not stay children forever, or for very long at all, yet our adoption issues stay with us throughout our lives. At a meeting of transracially adopted adults last year, we all came to the consensus that, regardless of our background, whether we are Korean, biracial, Japanese, or African American, race IS our adoption issue. As adults, we need to feel comfortable interacting with other people of color, in order to find support and learn strategies for coping with a still racist, largely segregated society.

I would encourage your efforts to multiculturalize your lives, as a family, so that all your children, of whatever background, can grow up familiar with and not afraid to reach out and form relationships with diverse adults, as adults. I offer this advice to refocus our efforts towards supporting adoptees, since we tend to focus too often on the childhood needs of adoptees, forgetting sometimes that adoptees do grow up.

 

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Michelle Johnson Answers:

I speak from the experience of being raised with an African American brother seven months younger than me. I can not stress enough how much this has meant to me over the years, and especially in childhood. Chris and I were best friends until second grade when boys and girls began separating into two distinct camps. As we both had afros and were similar in size, many though we were twins. I was both perturbed (as mom tended to dress us alike) and amused (many thought we were both boys as I was a tomboy and refused to wear dresses) by this.

Most importantly, we were a very important reference point for each other in a family that already had three European American siblings born to my parents. As much as we loved and trusted our parents, there have always been incidents we have never shared with them, as their lived experience could not assist us in finding answers. This is why John is right that we need adults of color who have experienced racism and discrimination directly to advise us at times. So there were times Chris and I were forced to be that support for each other. Being able to understand feelings of hurt and anger when children or adults are intentionally mean or simply ignorant or insensitive was a great comfort. In many instances each of us had to encourage the other to bring issues to our parents that we were not equipped to handle separately. We didn't know it, but we were a support group of two and it worked very effectively. Chris and I have come to different places about our identities and our place within our birth culture. Growing up together continues to provide a solid foundation for us, as we confront family formation and child rearing issues.

That our parents made a choice to adopt a second African American child did affirm something for me as the older child; that their initial decision was right, and they were so happy with it that they chose to do it again.

You yourself said that the emotional health of your son is the most important consideration. He has been and will be the "only one" in so many situations throughout his life. As a parent you have the opportunity to create a situation at home that is different from the outside world. I encourage you to take it on his behalf. You are no longer two Caucasian parents raising a multiethnic child, but a multicultural family of three. Your choosing to reinforce this collective identity will certainly reassure your son on an emotional level, as well as make the other questions you raise non-issues. Whatever choice you make, I wish you the best and encourage you to continue to have your son's best interest as paramount.

That's a definition of good parenting, Michelle

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