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An Adoptive Parent Writes:

My daughter, Cynthia, is 5 and was born in Peru. She has very beautiful cinnamon-colored skin. Recently Cynthia has been talking a lot about her skin color. The other day we were watching "Arthur" on TV, and I commented that Arthur and his family all have cinnamon skin like hers. She seemed happy about that (Arthur is very popular at her school.), then she said, "They must all be adopted." I was taken aback.

I think Cynthia must have this image that darker skinned people are the only ones who can be adopted. We belong to an adoption support group for parents of South American kids. From her eyes it must seem like all the adopted kids are dark-skinned, and all the adults are light-skinned. This has made me resolve to find more role models and adults in our lives who are not white! I even have this fantasy of moving to Peru for a few years so Cynthia can see that there are places in the world where most people look like her. I guess I'm feeling a little guilty about putting my daughter in a world where she is bound to feel like the exception. Do you have any suggestions?

 

Michelle Johnson Answers:

Your story is a normal response by a child to a complex situation which is beyond her comprehension. Children relate such incidents to their experience and understanding, so Cynthia's response was logical to her, and must not be translated out of context.

I said something similar to my mother at that age which took her by surprise, and caused her much concern. One day I told her, while looking in the mirror, that when I grew up, I was going to be white. Her fear was that I didn't understand that ethnicity was inherited, and also that somehow I had learned to devalue my skin color to the point I wanted to change it. This was not the case at all.

You see, in my household, there were my parents and their three biological children, all of Swedish descent. My older siblings were between 17 and 21 at the time. My brother and myself, the only African Americans in the house, were both under six. In my childlike logic, I equated skin color to height. Since all the adults were European American, and all children were African American, I assumed that somehow in the growing process, people became white.

This was surely a misconception which time and my parents' explanations would repair, but not an indication of self hate by any means. The unfortunate reality is that in the world of international and interracial adoption, brown children are placed almost unilaterally in European American homes.

You have the right idea in offsetting this reality with examples of European Americans who were adopted. My adopted African American nieces watch Little House on the Prairie. This is good for two reasons. First, the Ingalls adopt three European American children throughout the history of the show (Albert, James and Cassandra). Also, you should mention to Cyhthia that Melissa Gilbert (Laura Ingalls) was adopted as well. The next time you see a Wendy's hamburger commercial with founder, Dave Thomas, remind her of his adopted status as well. Dean Cain, AKA Superman on TV's Lois and Clark: the New Adventures of Superman (now in syndication on TNT) was also adopted, and Hollywood now has a host of adoptive parents, from Tom Cruise to Rosie O'Donnell.

You are right to seek more diverse situations for Cynthia, to help her feel less like an exception in this area. This should include both children and adults. A step like moving to Peru is a big one, and you must consider your desire and ability to do this successfully, not just for Cynthia, but for yourself. Learning Spanish might be a place to start, and if you do decide to make the trip, do so when Cynthia is of an age to really appreciate all the beauty and richness of her birth culture, as well as have lasting and fond memories.

Let go of your guilt about placing Cynthia outside her culture. This process neither began, nor will ultimately end with you. Your job is to bring her closer to if not into the culture as much as you can. Then as an adult, Cynthia will have the tools and knowledge to continue her journey in this direction, if she so chooses.

Buen Suerte! (Spanish for Good Luck), Michelle

 

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