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An Adoptive Parent Writes:My husband and I are both Caucasian. We have two daughters, ages 7 and 3, who are Caucasian/African American. We adopted each of them as newborns. I am now very surprised to find myself pregnant. I am very concerned that having a Caucasian biological child will somehow make my daughters feel like a minority in their own family. I also worry that they may see this child as "belonging" to us more than they do. My older daughter is already aware of the differences in our appearance. We have always made it clear to our daughters that they are beautiful and perfect to us, that we were destined to be a family, and that they should be very proud of who they are.
My older daughter reacted with anger when I told her I might be having a baby (it is early in the pregnancy). Her response, after she asked if it would look like her and her sister, was, "You could never grow a baby in your tummy, or you would have grown me", and "You will be its birth mother, you can't adopt it!" I feel like I am betraying my children. I explained to her that we searched for and desperately wanted her and her sister and that we would have adopted them no matter what.
Unfortunately, our family's racial diversity is magnified since we live in a small, southern town. People think nothing of staring at us, and even making racist comments under their breath! I am often shunned by both white and black moms, since interracial marriage is frowned upon in this area. Interracial couples don't seem to identify with us because we are both white, and perhaps they feel that we don't understand the racism that they endure.
My children are home schooled but they do socialize with a minimally diverse group of children (black, white, biracial, and Asian) through sports and dance classes. I feel like our family is coping and functioning very well despite our location. My children are happy, well adjusted, and know that they are loved greatly. I don't want the arrival of this child to have a negative effect on my daughters. What steps can I take to ensure that this doesn't happen? Can my adopted biracial children adjust well to the arrival of a Caucasian biological child? In regard to our living situation, we have a 3 year plan to relocate to a larger, more diverse city. Sincere thanks.
John Raible Answers:
I honestly don't know what you are doing living in a town that doesn't hide its lack of tolerance for your interracial family. I was relieved to hear that you have a plan to relocate. I'd suggest getting out before the 3 years that you mentioned! And I'm dead serious.
You cannot protect your little ones from racism, whether by home schooling or sending them to special hand-picked dance classes. Sooner or later, they will have to venture out in the cold, cruel racist world without their parents around as a buffer. They need to learn, while they are young, and be able to practice, survival skills for dealing with racism. The best teachers of those skills are adults who have gone through it themselves. I'm talking about adults of color.
As you think about relocating, ask yourselves: Where can we live where our family won't be such a rarity? Where can we find access to a community of diverse families? How can we provide role models who look like them for our daughters? Where can they have a chance to hang out wth families that talk about race and culture in a matter-of-fact way? Where can they find friends who are biracial and African American? I applaud you for thinking ahead about your multiracial family's well-being, and not just where you as parents might feel comfortable.
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08/30/2007