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As an adoptive mom, when I see adults with children, I wonder who may be an adoptive parent. As adoptees, do you think you *know* who might be adopted? Do you wonder about it whenever you are in a group, or meet a new person? Do you gravitate toward that person, and feel more open to establishing a rapport with them?
I think as an adoptee, I do notice other adoptees or families with adopted children more so than other people. Unfortunately, Ilearned the hard way that not everyone is as willing to share or talk about their experiences as I am.
I was living in syracuse when I met a family with a Korean adopted child. When I approached them and shared that I am adopted and started to ask questions, I was immediately reprimanded by the mother and told to mind my own business, and that their family was not any different than any other family. Huh?!!??
So now I am a little cautious when I see other adoptees. But in general, yes, I am more likely to start up a conversation with other adoptees and their families than with anyone else. I think it is natural to want to share your story and to want to hear theirs.
I feel sad for that little girl I met in Syracuse, and wonder what her life will be like growing up as an adoptee in a family that is so unwilling to talk about it or learn from the experience. I encourage you as an adoptive parent to reach out and share your experiences with others, and encourage others to do the same. I see it as a learning experience and kind of like a huge support group. I think it is also a way to show that I am proud to be adopted and don't care if the whole world knows it.
All members of the triad (birth parents, adoptive parents and children) have these thoughts on a regular basis, for it is a part of our identities. As an adult adoptee, I used to think I knew who was adopted based on ethnicity. I assumed adoption status when I saw children of color with European American adults I believed were their parents.
I did this for many reasons, mostly that it was my experience, so my logic followed that it could be the reality of another family as well. There was also a sense of seeking belonging through this process. If other children were like me, I felt not only a bond, but less out of place.
As I now know, this is presumptuous, and can lead to people feeling insulted or hurt if you verbalize your thoughts and are mistaken. As an adult, I resist the urge to make such assumptions. I always let other people divulge such information first.
As an African American woman, I always gravitate toward people of color, if just to acknowledge them in ways we do among our community. Adoption status has very little to do with it, it's more a support system for diversity.
As you well know, smiling at someone, or otherwise inviting behavior is more likely to lead to a situation where adoption status could be disclosed. In my experience, most people confirm interracial marriages resulting in ethnically diverse children, and not adoptions.
An interesting new twist on this whole issue is how people relate to me when I am with my European American nieces and nephews, or my brothers-in -law when my sisters are not present. You can't begin to imagine the things people say.
Food for thought, Michelle
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rev. 2/24/98 md