Back to Ask the Experts Page Back to NYSCCC Home PageA foster parents writes:
We are foster parents to a biraical baby boy (African American and Caucasian) We live in a fairly diverse community. We are fortunate that our birth children have been around a variety of cultures-in their preschool and their playgroup especially. We are even fortunate enough to know families who have adopted trasracially.
Because of this, and since they have had an array of diverse playmates, my husband and I were quite shocked when our five year old stated that he wished the baby was "a different color" when he came to stay with us (He also stated that he wished the baby were a girl.) He has made a few comments regarding the "color' of the baby. He has stated that he likes the baby, and he "likes that color now, but still wishes he were a girl." His attitude toward the baby is extremely positive-he loves to help with his care, he loves to play with him and make him laugh and expresses concern for his well being. They are great playmates. (Our three year old son has not expressed anything in regard to the race of the child: only the gender, saying he only wants boy babies to stay with us.)
We have tried to be very matter of fact with our son's questions, simply stating that people come in all colors, and from different places. I have cited simple examples such as Thomas the Tank Engine (The trains are different colors, have different personalities and traits, but they are all trains.) We also have talked about all of the friends we have from different countries and all of the different languages they speak. (He is also asking about different languages since he has a friend who is Russian.) We have read books together and I have tried to be honest with him. I am not so naive as to think that we are doing enough. I want to strike a balance between addressing the issue, without constantly focusing on it-I feel that that would only highlight how the baby is different. I want to acknowledge and discuss our differences, but send the message that race is not the only aspect of the baby's identity. What are some other things we can do to handle this? He has not made a big a deal of it, just an occasional comment, but we want to make sure we handle his questions in an appropriate manner. Thank you!
John Raible Answers:
Many previous posts on Ask the Experts have addressed your concerns. Please take the time to read them. You will find many helpful ideas and suggestions. Also, read the book, Inside Transracial Adoption by Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall. They are both experienced transracial adoptive parents who have gone through what you are struggling with.
Your post reminds me of how important it is for social work professionals to discuss these issues with prospective parents BEFORE they adopt.
Another idea is to join an adoptive/foster family support group where you can learn from other transracial adoptive andfoster parents by participating in parent group activities. Your kids will benefit from being around families like their own, which may help to reduce their sense of isolation and increase their sense of fitting in. Good luck!
Michelle Johnson's answer:
It seems like so far, in regard to your son's comments, you have taken a cultural diversity approach. Even at 5 years old, I would suggest a cultural competency one as well. This means asking your son why he said what he said and if other children or adults have commented about his foster brother's color.
If he gives negative or prejudicial responses to either inquiry (and even if it is positive), you have to have the conversation that some people value light colors over dark, when it comes to skin color and people. You must further state that while not right or your belief, it is sometimes the worlds'.
I faced racism the first day of kindergarten. Parents need not be fooled into thinking, by the 30 years that have passed since then, that things have changed much for some people. My nieces who are African American, biracial and Haitian have all faced issues, and they range from 4 to 15 years old.
White parents often enjoy a luxury Black parents can not afford. It is to not talk about issues of race or color unless the outside world brings it inside, but every time we step outside our front doors it is with us.
What might help your son at age 5 feel better about this reality is that as a big brother, he can help the baby feel loved and feel good about his skin color, even if others don't. When children come into the home, and they are old enough to communicate, additional praise in this area would be great, because society has a much different message. All your family can do to counter it early and often will help any children of color feel valued, both in your home and when they face the outside world. Good luck!
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02/06/06