Back to Ask the Experts Page Back to NYSCCC Home PageA adoptive parent writes:
I am a single white mother of an adopted African American six-year-old boy. I am very committed to his taking full possession of his cultural heritage and growing up to be a strong, secure man. We live in predominantly African American/Caribbean neighborhood and he goes to a wonderful, academically sound school with a decent black population (35%). I grew up in a black community and have a deep and complicated love and respect of black culture. Here's my issue; I took my son into a hip hop clothing store to get him a baseball cap. In the store, which he loves, he saw a poster of a rapper wearing a do-rag. Now, I hate those things, and I think they look like a pair of pantyhose wrapped around your head. Now Oscar wants one. He has an older brother (14) who is bio to me and white. When older brother was little, he wanted me to buy things I really didn't like or want to support, and I felt confident saying no, but in this situation, I feel unsure. I don't want to make my little son feel that I'm rejecting black culture just because I think do-rags look ridiculous and trashy (unless you're actually having your hair set, when they still look bad, but at least serve a purpose). My black girlfriends don't hesitate to advise me about things I should and shouldn't do with my boy's hair and how certain things will come across. I don't see other little boys wearing those rags, but maybe, because exploring his identity is trickier for Oscar, I should let him have one. He would probably just try it on and look in the mirror (a favorite pastime for him!) then drop it on the floor and forget it like most of his other costumes and toys. Your thoughts would be most appreciated.
John Raible answers:
From your lengthy description of the situation, it sounds like you've already found an appropriate response to your son's request. Given his age, I would say go ahead and get him the do-rag but make it clear where he can wear it, and where he can't (like to school, or maybe outside the house). I appreciate your senstivity to the issues as you raised them. Especially since he is still young, you are well within your parental rights to set standards for grooming and appropriate dress. Good luck ten years from now and he's begging you to buy him gold chains and $300 sneakers!
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06/08/05