Back to Ask the Experts Page Back to NYSCCC Home PageAn adoptive parent writes:
I am a Caucasian single mother of a Black/Haitian 9 year old daughter. Lucy and I became a family when she was almost 3. She had been abandoned when she was 10 months old and had 3 other sudden changes to her living conditions prior to her coming to Canada. We live in a suburb of Vancouver B.C. While our community is multi-racial the biggest groups are Caucasian, Chinese and East Indian. We attend a play group of other children of African heritage put on by the Afro/Canadian community to provide role models for children adopted by white familes. It is a fight to get her to go each month and she spends at least half the time sulking in the corner. She keeps saying she does not want to go, but I make her as I feel it is important to have adult role models as well as see other children in the same family type as hers.
Lucy has difficulty with any kind of change and takes a long time to adjust to even small changes. I have considered adopting a sister for her as I feel this may help her see that she is not alone. She does have one African/Canadian friend but her closest friends are East Indian/Canadian and Chinese/Canadian and European/Canadian...Any advice?
John Raible answers:
Perhaps the play group is not the social outlet your daughter needs at this time. As parents, naturally it is important to listen to our children, and to take our cues from their expressed needs and desires. At the same time, we understand that parents have to make certain decisions based on our knowledge of what children need, even when they may not be aware of those needs.
It sounds like you realize that exposure to other Afro/Canadian people, as you say, is important while your daughter grows up. If she hasn't met anyone she particularly likes in the play group, then it is time to consider other options. Where else can she find the opportunity to meet and mingle with children and adults who look like her? I am hesitant to assume that there is some deep underlying racial reason for her not wanting to attend the play group. You haven't told us your interpretation of why she doesn't want to go, other than that she doesn't like change. So, if she doesn't want to go for a while, give the play group a rest. But seek out other situations where she can be around black and brown people.
Think about the places you pursue your family routines. Many libraries offer childrens' programs and activities. Perhaps there is a library in a section of town frequented by diverse families. Where do you go in terms of shopping centers and hair salons? Is your pediatrician or dentist of Caribbean descent? Houses of worship sometimes provide child care for neighborhood families, and may cater to particular cultural groups. Maybe you can enroll her in a after school center that offers the diversity you are looking for.
As far as adopting another child, it could be the best thing you do for your daughter, or then again, it could backfire. If she is by temperament so sensitive to change, you will have to consider thoughtfully the impact of upsetting your current family dynamics by bringing in another child permanently. Even so, some adoptees do report feeling very lucky to have grown up with another transracially adopted sibling.
You are fortunate to live near such a vibrant and diverse city. Take advantage of it. Good luck accessing the resources your daughter needs. I am sure you will find that they are much closer than you think!
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3/22/04