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An adoptive parent asks:
My husband and I are white, and have two adopted sons who are African American. Both of the boys have been with us since infancy, and they are biological siblings. The boys are ages one and nearly three. Our sons have no contact with their birth family, due to the wishes of their birth mother.
Mr. Raible and Ms. Johnson, thank you so much for providing your insight. After we adopted our children (from foster care), I felt like we were just left hanging in mid-air. There was no active post-adoption support regarding transracial adoption issues. At first we were living in a dream world of "love will conquer all," but I have since learned (thanks to people like you) that that isn't necessarily the case.
You have opened my eyes to the importance of providing these two little boys an opportunity to grow up among their people. They have already lost their biological ties, so the least we can do as parents is surround them with love and also with people of their own race.
If we stay in this area, our children won't be the only African American boys in their class, but they will be a definite minority. My husband and I are mobile and willing to move to an area with a much higher concentration of African Americans. What are your views on this?
If we do move and eventually enroll our sons in schools with a majority of black children, do you think they would have a hard time being accepted by the black kids because they have white parents?
John Raible answers:
Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad you find our comments and this website helpful. I'm also glad to hear that you are considering the pros and cons of relocating. You may be interested to know this: What I hear from parents who have moved in order to take advantage of more diversity is mostly positive. That is, they find that their friendship circle becomes more integrated, if they make an effort to reach out to people in diverse communities, for example, by joining a predominantly black parent group, church, temple, or mosque.
Will other kids make fun of your kids for having white parents? This is hard to say, because it depends on so many factors. As a former teacher, I saw how bullies tended to pick on kids they perceived as weaker. Preparing your children to stand up for themselves (with anyone) may be good preparation for the adversity they will encounter as young black males.
Your boys no doubt have two very different personalities, as most siblings do. As a result, they may react to teasing in different ways. One may feed into it, and let it bother him, while the other may handle it deftly and put an end to it altogether.
Also, they will take many of their cues from you, their parents. How do you handle the questions and comments and stares of curiosity (and even hostility) generated by being white parents of black sons? If you project a confident but not arrogant air, your boys no doubt will learn to feel secure about having you as their parents. In other words, convey to them that you yourselves feel good about your decision to adopt them and have no doubts or regrets.
Another way to let them know you accept them fully and unconditionally is by inviting friends into your home who look like them, namely other African Americans. It will be enriching for them to see you interacting comfortably with adults of different races and backgrounds, especially with African Americans. If you don't already have African American friends and colleagues in your social lives, then I would say, yes, it is definitely a good idea to think about moving.
One final thought: Don't forget that your sons have a whole extended family of black folk who may one day reconnect with them. Even if their birth mom isn't interested or able to be part of their lives, their may be an auntie or godmother or uncle somewhere who would love to maintain some kind of contact. Having access to their bio families will become important as your adoptees grow older, when they will begin to seek out birth family information and answers to their predictable questions about the circumstances of their adoptions.
Michelle Johnson Answers:
I agree with John that allowing your daughter to have continued contact with her birth family is indeed a special gift. In doing so you are acknowledging her past, and validating the fact that birth and adoptive families can forge positive relationships. Whatever the problems in this family that led your daughter to come to be with you are a reality best dealt with in the open. This may, however, mean that there are times when family members are less healthy, that you reduce or suspend contact for the emotional welfare of your child. It may be certain individuals, or possibly the entire family, depending on the circumstances.
The important thing is to keep this connection alive. If it is appropriate, there may be stretches where only letters or pictures are exchanged (a semi-open arrangement), or possibly monitored phone calls rather than face to face contact which might disturb your daughter. As a parent, use your best judgment, making sure you create restrictions in the best interest of your daughter, and not necessarily your own wants or needs for simplicity or less headaches. You are the adult, and should be able to handle the extra stresses this challenging arrangement brings. In the end, your daughter will truly appreciate your efforts, and as she moves into teen years and adulthood, you will have model ways for her ways to continue relations on her own terms.
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08/13/03