Back to Ask the Experts Page Back to NYSCCC Home PageAn adoptive parent writes:
We are a Caucasian family, we have an 18 year old daughter (my stepdaughter), two biological sons ages 16 and 12. We adopted our daughter at birth who is now three years old. Our daughter is of African-American heritage. We feel that the time is coming soon that she will begin to notice her physical differences and feel that this is also an appropriate age to begin to introduce her to the knowledge she joined our family through adoption.
Although we have bought all the "right" children's books, read all the articles, etc. , we would like to hear from someone who has actually been in our daughter's shoes. What do we do or say to make her feel proud of both being adopted and of a multicultural heritage beginning at such a young age?
Also, in public settings such as restaurants we are stared at very often. At this age our daughter hasn't noticed. What is an appropriate thing to say that is respectful but reinforces our right to be a family in a public place without people "speculating," for lack of a better word? Your insight would be greatly appreciated.
John Raible answers:
You are right in anticipating that your daughter is reaching an age when she will begin to notice differences. At age two and one half,my biracial grandson was already chatting happily about his mother's white skin and his own brown skin, and how other people in his life are various colors. Luckily, he wasn't yet attaching value judgments to his observations. Young children are remarkable in their curiosity, including taking note of the differences in the physical bodies everywhere around them.
As bright as she is, don't be too sure that your daughter doesn't notice people staring in restaurants. Even if she isn't yet aware, she will soon become keenly attuned to the fact that she is different, and the object of other people's stares. Unfortunately, stares will follow her throughout her childhood, as long as she remains the token oddity. You can change this by moving to a community where yours isn't the only interracial family, and your daughter can be comfortably around others who look like her, in other words, where she won't stand out so much.
Being exposed to others who share her heritage is the most effective way to ensure that she learns to love her multiracial self. Chances are that as she grows into young adulthood (not to rush things too much, I know she's only three!), she will be identified by others as a black woman. She is in the cute and cuddly toddler stage now, but once she hits adolescence, a whole set of stereotypes kicks in, as others will react to her budding sexuality and attempts to date and so on. African American and biracial women will have much to teach her.
It's not too early to start thinking about where you will turn to find appropriate role models. This will be easier if you are already friends with women of diverse backgrounds yourself. At that point, it will be even more important, and useful, to be living in a multicultural community.
By the way, I would challenge you to stop thinking of yourselves as a Caucasian family. "Caucasian" is an old-fashioned word from the days when we were taught that humans were of three races, Caucasoid, Mongoloid, and Negroid. Now science knows better. It will be more helpful to start thinking of your family as an interracial family. There are organizations, web sites, and magazines just for you!
Michelle Johnson Answers:
Overall, my parents did a wonderful job of addressing my budding curiosity of difference. They acknowledged difference, and celebrated the diversity this represented. They also told me often that I was beautifully brown, and should be proud of where I came from. One of the things I say in the video, "Struggles for Identity: Issues in Transracial Adoption," available on this very site, is that I was still shocked sometimes to see my brown skin in the mirror. This is because as a small child, all but one person around me was Swedish American. I expected to see a peach person, as that's what I saw all day long.
It's sometimes hard to separate ethnicity from adoption, but my parents proclamation that I was special because they chose me, did a lot to ease the pain of feeling given away by my birth parents. Some adult adoptees have less positive responses to this line of talk, but it worked for me.
The main thing is that you talk about both adoption and ethnicity regularly and consistently, and more importantly you back it up with actions children see reinforce your statements. People have a tendency to stare at all types of differences, from individuals with physical disabilities, to youth with flaming orange spiked hair. In most public settings, when children note this happening, acknowledge it. In most situations this is enough, with a possible comment about wishing they had more manners. When stares turn to leers, or other expressions of disgust, rude questions or other offensive actions, you must advocate for your child in safe and appropriate ways, and as they get older encourage them to advocate for themselves as well.
Often, when we became disturbed in public by strangers, our parents would ask us how we wanted them to respond. If they felt it was appropriate, they did so, or encouraged us to do so. It was always a negotiated process and case specific, as each situation is different.
From moments of politely explaining transracial adoption to the respectfully curious, to validating that this child is yours, or telling people that is non of their business or leaving unpleasant situations, your children will be watching and listening. Sometimes you don't feel like educating, or recognize that you are not in a teachable moment, and this is fine, as long as you explain your reactions to your children in age appropriate ways. The main thing is to prepare your children for the regular occurrence of such situations and dialogue about it both at the time, and in broader generalizations later which reinforce their right to be a part of your multicultural family.
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08/13/03