Back to Ask the Experts Page Back to NYSCCC Home PageA prospective parent writes:
My husband and I are considering adopting an African American infant. We are both of Eastern European ethnicity; I am Jewish and he is Jewish (on his father's side) and Polish Catholic (on his mother's). My last name is clearly Jewish and unique to my family, and his is not (his paternal grandfather made it up--it could be an Americanization of a Russian, Greek, Italian, or Polish name--it's quite generic.)
We had agreed long ago to give our children my last name, for a variety of reasons, but now I wonder. With my name, our child would pretty much have to explain himself to everyone he meets, whereas with my husband's, people might get to know him for himself (as much as this is possible in our culture, of course) before he necessarily has to get into an explanation of the fact that he is adopted, his parents are white and one is Jewish, etc. (I say "him" because there is a male infant on the horizon!)
While we are very aware of the issues of racial and ethnic identity involved in transracial adoption, I just wonder how much you think the name matters. I read a case study once about an African American boy who was adopted by an Irish American woman and who had ahard time with her last name. He was much relieved when his mother married and changed her name, and his, to something less ethnically identifiable.
John Raible answers:
My last name is German and my middle name is my British mother's maiden name, and I am African American (as well as French, English, Irish, and Norwegian, on my birth mother's side). My name connects me to my adoptive family, since my brother and sister also have the same last names and middle names. I am glad that, despite the physical and social differences between us, one thing all the kids in our family have in common is our middle and last names.
Whenever I appear in public with my parents, I have to "explain myself," as you say. I don't look like my parents, and people stare. Your child will have to find his own way of dealing with this. At the mall, at parent teacher conferences, buying shoes, eating at a restaurant, the fact is that people notice when parents and kids don't match. In my experience, that causes more discomfort and takes more getting used to than my European ethnic name.
One other thought: Whoopi Goldberg and Rebecca Leventhal Walker (daughter of Alice Walker) are two prominent black women who have Jewish names. It doesn't seem to have held them back any!
Michelle Johnson Answers:Naming has much significance in the African American culture. Examples can be found during and after slavery when some rid themselves of the "Master's" name and either reclaimed an old family name or or chose something with new meaning and significance. For example, Sojourner Truth; Frederick Augustus Washington Bailey changing his last name to Douglas to evade capture as a fugitive slave; Mike King, Sr. legally changing his and his 5 yr. old son's name to Martin Luther; Malcolm Little choosing "X"; and NAACP president Kweisi Mfume receiving his name as a gift from his great aunt after an ancestral pilgrimage to West Africa.
If your son one day chooses, he may change the name you give him and you should not take it personally, but as an indication he is on a journey to self discovery. Black Baby, White Arms: A View from the Crib, released in January 2002 by Soul Water Publishing, gives a rich account of publisher, author Dr. Jaiya John's choice of names. Dr. John had four prior names from birth, through foster care, and into a transracial adoption. I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants an honest glimpse into another reality of our existence.
You stated that you and your husband had agreed to use your last name for your children for a variety of reasons. You must judge for yourselves how valid they are now. Your decision should include consideration of whether you already have children with your last name, and how this difference might make the children feel about these names as an indication of your value of them, or connection to each other as siblings.
More commonly heard names do make life easier. I am a Johnson through adoption, so people do not so much as blink when I introduce myself. I have a privilege in one sense of not standing out in this way. The reality, however, is that as a member of an interracial family, I do my fair share of explaining things to people anyway, as undoubtedly your son will as well.
My suggestion is to do more of what you are already doing and continue getting advice from people who have struggled with this issue in ways I have not (especially African American men). Whatever decision you make, feel better that you asked, and share this reality with your son as he grows old enough to understand, whether or not he ever comments about this to you. He will therefore more deeply appreciate whatever name you choose upon knowing that you had his best interest at heart through your soul searching and advice seeking.
I hope in the end this process is truly enjoyable, as it should be!
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