Back to Ask the Experts Page Back to NYSCCC Home PageA parent writes:
I am an adoptive parent of 8 school age kids who are racially diverse and have special needs. For years we have been considering a major move back to the east coast and now seems to be the right time. However, we must do mounds of homework so this is the right move for our family. We are considering an area in a rural region of upstate New York . The school is small and can serve special needs. It is not racially diverse but accepting, I'm told. We are looking for feedback or just opinions as to whether this would be good for our family.
John Raible answers:
Part of doing your homework is considering the racial and cultural climate of the community you will ultimately choose for your family. I was interested to note that you did not identify yourself racially or culturally, a common phenomenon among white people who have not yet had to think much about racism in our society. It's a privilege of whiteness that many parents learn to give up, especially when their children hit school age.
In the educational work I do with families, I have seen numerous white parents come to understand that they need to start thinking more like parents of color in order to help their children navigate the school system, which tends to position our kids as pathological, as behavior problems, as not fitting in, and so on. One dad of many diverse kids said that he never knew what racism was until those of his children who are black entered school. Something to think about from parents who have raised kids of color...
Regardless, as the parent of children of color, you probably know that your experience of US society is very different from your children's reality. A nice, quiet, lily-white town that feels comfortable and tranquil to you may be experienced quite differently by your black and brown children. While the children are small, cute, and cuddly, neighbors may well be accepting. That can change during adolescence, when your teens start dating. Neighbors who once seemed accepting may surprise you with their prejudices once your kids want to become romantically involved with their children!
Rejection can feel devastating, especially to adoptees. Rejection of who they are based on race only adds insult to injury. To counter the effects of racial prejudice, children of color need to have your total understanding and support. But they also need the support of people who look like them, who have lived through the same experiences.
Once white parents understand this important fact, then they are in a position to do what it takes to make sure they are providing their kids many opportunities to interact with other people of color. Not just kids, mind you, but culturally aware adults and whole families. Parents who have taken this to heart have joined African American or Korean churches, for example. They report being welcomed with open arms when they sought help raising their adopted children.
It may feel risky, but the feedback I hear is that taking the risk is worth it for the sake of the children.
Having lived in rural upstate New York for a number of years (until 1998) I know that there are many good people there. But I also know that it is a fertile recruiting ground for nationally recognized hate groups. The Klan wanted to hold a rally in a nearby town when I was there in the mid 1990s. This may come as a surprise to you, but if you continue to do your homework, you will start to see the harsh reality that people of color have to put up with every day of our lives.
You are asking an important question, as you consider relocating: What kind of supportive community can I provide for my children, who have special needs? Who are the people who can help meet those needs, including their needs based on race and dealing with racism? Parenting decisions are rarely easy, I know from personal experience. Good luck to you and your kids!
Michelle Johnson answersI lived in upstate New York for eight years and found the lack of diversity outside Rochester, Syracuse and Albany troublesome. Thinking about how close and accessible a metropolitan area is, and committing from the start to frequent and ongoing visits and transfer of culture and people back to your house can make this possibility more bearable. That the school will meet your children's educational special needs is an important factor. It should be weighed against what harm (social isolation, narrow mindedness, and prejudice, as well as possible physical threats which are more common to kids of color in less diverse areas) is also more likely in this environment.
You will have to be prepared to be a very strong advocate for your children Doing this as a newcomer yourself to a community that could be more closed to outsiders of any background may be a challenge. Thinking about what supports you will lose and will need replacing is also of consideration, especially since you have a large family. There will most likely be a period where rebuilding this network may not be progressing fast enough to meet demands for it. You should also consider how major life changes might have long-lasting psychological effects on children who have been abused or neglected or have cognitive, emotional, and behavior delays. What memories may be triggered by possibly traumatic removals from the birth home or subsequent foster homes must also be of paramount consideration.
I remember reading during my master's studies in Family Social Science that moves are one of the top five stressors for adults, after death, divorce and unemployment. Children, in general, are not as equipped for this upheaval. Sometimes adults make decisions for convenience or to fulfill their own financial or other needs. As a parent, consideration for the children must be the deciding variable, especially for children who may already have attachment disorders or other issues that impede healthy transitions. Talking to mental health professionals, especially your children's therapist (if they have one), and teachers will help inform your decision and hopefully give you a sense of peace with what you decide. Good luck!
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