Back to Ask the Experts Page | Back to NYSCCC Home PageA prospective parent writes:
We are a European American family with three biological children. We are relocating to Ghana in August. (My husband works for a relief and development agency.)
This is not the first time we have lived in Africa. We were there for almost 11 years the first time and now miss it so much we are moving back. We also want our three children to experience a very different cultural experience that they can never gain living in the States.
We would like to expand our family, and adoption has always been a possibility for us. What would it be like for a child of African descent to be the only non-white in our family of very fair-skinned, blond children? Would it be necessary to adopt more than one child? I did read that you, Michelle, thought your brother was the best gift your parents ever gave you. My only problem is that I don't know if I can have 5 kids and still be sane!
In your family of 5 kids, which is very similar to what our family would become, was there ever conflict between the two non-white, non-biological children and the other three white, biological children? Or do you become a family based on love across color lines? Is that an unrealistic ideal, or did it work in your case?
Michelle Johnson Answers:
It will be very difficult for any child of African descent to be in your family, especially if she or he is older and already assimilated into his or her birth culture. Being raised myself in a Swedish American family, with blond haired and blue eyed siblings, self-esteem was an issue. Surely my parents and siblings told me I was beautiful, but when the rest of society had values which seemed to contradict this, it was hard, especially since they represented the very definition of what was truly desirable, and also impossible to attain.
While I strongly recommend siblings of the same ethnic group for any child placed cross- culturally, only you can adequately assess the needs of your family. The reality is, in most situations, not being the only one at home who is different, will help children interface with the outside world. How this will play out in Ghana and if or when you decide to leave is another consideration.
In my family, we never had conflict among the siblings that was polarized along racial lines. This may have been due in part to the age difference between my parents' three biological children, who were 12-15 years older than Chris and me. We were, therefore, raised at different times for the most part , or as my mother says, "I raised 2 batches of children."
Our parents, who were 60's activists, instilled within all 5 of us the belief in equality. Chris and I always felt equally loved, and our siblings never uttered a racial slur or treated us differently. Our parents had the same expectations of success for all of us. The realities of racism meant that they parented Chris and me more cautiously, knowing our presence in predominately white settings often placed us at greater risk of emotional and physical harm. They also exposed the entire family to Black culture, acknowledging we were now a multicultural family. Therefore my parents never endorsed a "color blind" ideology, where they pretended not to see our Black identities. To their credit, they recognized our biological heritage and cultivated it within us until we were old enough to make decisions about how to own this identity for ourselves.
What I try to remember is that having children, by birth or adoption, is not a right, but a privilege. With this privilege comes responsibility. Parents are expected to protect children from harm. Beyond the issues all parents of children of color face in terms of ensuring physical safety, are issues of emotional, spiritual, mental and psychological well-being. Whether it be adopting another sibling, moving to a more diverse community, cultivating friends who are different, or examining internal prejudices, parents have to decide what they are willing to do to begin leveling the playing field, which is unequal for their children both due to the color of their skin and their adopted status.
In the end, the seven of us in my family do not all agree upon issues of race and racism in our culture. Our views range from conservative to radical. We do, however, respect each other and love each other unconditionally. The decisions your family makes are ultimately up to you. If you continue to ask difficult questions and seek illusive answers, your final determinations about all this will be right for your family and any child or children you welcome as your own.
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