Back to Ask the Experts page | Back to NYSCCC Home PageA parent writes:
My husband and I are white and we have two biological children. We became foster parents and are now pre-adoptive to our daughter, who is one year old and also African-American. She also has four older half-siblings who are in pre-adoptive situations. The birth mom is mildly retarded are we are friendly with her - we see each other every two weeks, but when parental rights are terminated, this will no longer be required. I wonder how much contact we should have with our daughter's birth family? I want her to feel secure with us, but I am comfortable with her having contact with her birth family, as long as it is positive and this is a tough part because there are many problems in this family.
My husband and I are white and we have two biological children. We became foster parents and are now pre-adoptive to our daughter, who is one year old and also African-American. She also has four older half-siblings who are in pre-adoptive situations. The birth mom is mildly retarded are we are friendly with her - we see each other every two weeks, but when parental rights are terminated, this will no longer be required. I wonder how much contact we should have with our daughter's birth family? I want her to feel secure with us, but I am comfortable with her having contact with her birth family, as long as it is positive and this is a tough part because there are many problems in this family.
John Raible replies:It is wonderful that you know your future daughter's birthmother, and already have information about the family. More and more we are seeing open adoptions where adopted children grow up maintaining some level of contact with their birth families. Experts agree that the old way of secrecy around the adoption did a disservice to all members of the adoption triad.
As long as you establish strong bonds with your daughter, I don't think you will have to worry about her "loving" the birth family more, or about her divided loyalties. Many adoptees feel this sense of divided loyalties anyway, and having open, honest communication while children grow up seems to me to be the healthiest approach to addressing this adoption issue.
Also, as white parents of a black child, you have a built-in group of African Americans to include in the village we know it takes to raise children. You can include the birth family members along with the other African American adult family friends, teachers, hair dressers, sitters, doctors, dentists, day care providers, and others in your expanding multicultural network. Exposure to a variety of black adults will be crucial to your daughter's sense of well-being.
In the long run, by knowing where she came from in a literal sense, your daughter will most likely develop a clear sense of appreciation for what she gained through adoption. At the same time, by maintaining contact, you will show her beyond mere words that you value her original and her birth family. you will demonstrate beyond question that you can see the good there, as well as the "problems" you mentioned. Good luck!
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