Back to Ask the Experts Page | Back to NYSCCC Home PageA parent writes:
My husband and I are the parents of a 2 1/2 year old toddler, who in my opinion is a gift from God. We are European American (EA) and he is African American. We adopted Evan in a private adoption and are very open with his birth mother. We talk on the phone at least monthly and we visit her and sometimes her mother every two or three months. We have a large extended family all EA and my best friend Teresa is EA. Evan attends family day-care where all the children and caregivers are African American. But that is really the only place that he interacts with anyone who is African-American. I have some close friends who are African American.
We have chosen to stay in our current neighborhood for two reasons, both of almost equal weight: (1) it has some of the best schools in our area, (2) it is highly integrated. There are may cross cultural marriages in this area. There are also a lot of Korean and Vietnamese here as well and a good sized Hispanic population. We have found a church which is very integrated and have started attending it. I have tried to make sure his books and toys reflect at least as many people of choice, (our Realtor, Evan's pediatrician, my beautician, etc.) I chose his day-care partly because it was all African American. I have even learned to cook greens and sweet potato pie. But I have been criticized for choosing those dishes because it's so stereotypical and really more of a southern thing than a "black" thing.
The first and only cultural practice I have actually run into is a belief that it would be damaging in some way to cut his hair before he turned one. I felt that this was superstition, but I spoke with at least three dozen women and every one of them told me do not cut his hair till after his first birthday. Since it did seem to be a cultural issue I didn't cut it till then. He was born with more than two inches of hair--talk about afro city by the time he was one year old!
My question is : How do I expose Evan to the African American culture when I can not figure out how it differs from my own culture. I have presented this question to a number of African American friends who all belittled my concerns, telling me as long as I love him and bring him up right he'll be fine. My friends homes look and feel essential the same as mine. Some are cleaner, messier; some are larger, smaller; some are richer, poorer; but they all have basically the same living arrangements and family relationships as I do in my home. Some have African art, some don't; some have French provincial furnishings, some have Scandinavian. They celebrate the same holidays my family does and in the same way (allowing of course for individual and family traditions). Some listen to gospel music exclusively and one won't tolerate anything but country music. I have had African American people tell me that I shouldn't even worry about what color dolls to get him; it doesn't make any difference (they say). I asked around to see in what ways my friends celebrate Kwanzaa and have yet to find someone who actually does. Our city host a huge Black Expo every year, and I asked an African American friend to go with us last year. She laughed at me and said, "I don't even go to that and I'm black!"
So what other kinds of things should I be doing in addition to the few things I feel I am doing. Am I just looking at this from the wrong point of view that I can't see these cultural differences? Or am I trying too hard to find something that isn't there? I truly don't want Evan to grow up ignorant of ideas and background he should have, but I don't know how to teach him. Thank you for any advice you can give.
Michelle Johnson Answers:
You raise a lot of complicated issues around Black culture in America. The first thing I want to say as a sociologist is that we are not a monolithic group, and my assessment based on your statement is that many of your friends and acquaintances who are African American think in similar ways, which are not representative of us as a group. Many of us are deeply tied to our culture, and would not make comments like those you shared above. My advice would be to enlarge your circle of friends to include those who will support you in increasing your understanding of African American culture. Find men and women who will share in it with you by attending events, helping you celebrate holidays like Kwanzaa and find recipes that represent a wider array of the Black experience in America. John and I agree that having Black role models is an essential component in transracial adoption. Your questions and concerns highlight the face that some of these people must have a greater commitment to assisting you and your son in becoming a greater part of what can be a rich and rewarding life of people who truly understand what Dr. W.E.B. DuBois was talking about when he spoke of the Souls of Black Folk.
To share your experience or thoughts on this topic, or to submit another question, please click here.