Send us your question about transracial or transcultural adoption or foster care, and one of our experts on transracial adoption will give you an answer. All questions and answers will be posted to this website, without using your name. Click here to submit a question.
See John's blog at: http://johnraible.wordpress.com
For articles by John Raible see:
An Open Letter to Parents of Mature Transracial Adoptees, The Significance of Racial Identity in Transracially Adopted Young Adults, What is Transracialization and How Do I Get Started?and The Lifelong Impact of Transracial Adoption: Learning From Adoptees and Their Non-Adopted Siblings
An Adoptive Parent Writes:
My husband and I (both Caucasian) just adopted a newborn baby girl whose mother is also Caucasian, and whose father was African-American. The only real contact our child's birth mother had with the birth father was during the time of conception—we (the adoptive parents) don't know who he is, where he comes from, or what his cultural heritage might be (African-American is, I believe, a very vague term…Both Africa and America are big places with so many different cultures!). My husband and I value diversity and embrace principles of cultural competency as well. We have sought out diverse cultures, friends and experiences for ourselves and our eldest daughter (by birth). I know that throughout her life, our new daughter will share, for better or worse, experiences with others who have skin of a similar shade. That said, the cultural influences in her family (i.e. her parents and older sibling, their extended families, and the family of her birth mother) are primarily European. My daughter will inherit many challenges because of the genes of her birth father, but it seems to me that she will be missing many of the gifts that might have accompanied these challenges—a richness of culture and a sense of identity being among them. I would like to give my daughter some of these things, but in the absence of real knowledge about who her father was, any attempt at bringing in any African or African-American identity would seem (to me, at least) artificial. Is it enough to teach, seek and embrace diversity and cultural competency (including care to include others who look like our daughter in our lives) and not forge a more direct link with the African/African-American heritage by which others will identify her? People of all skin colors can be from anywhere in the world—is it more important for our daughter to identify with others of her skin color, or to identify with the culture and heritage of her own family (us)? In other words, should I plan to give our daughter a culture other than my own?
On another note,
Thank you for your thoughtful responses to others' inquiries. I appreciate your forthrightness. I hope my questions will also provide some added value to the discussion; if not, at the very least they were an opportunity to think about some issues for myself and share my wrestle with others who might understand.Click here to read the experts' replies
An Adoptive Parent Writes:
I am a single, white adoptive mother of an 8-year-old African American boy, who was placed with me at age 8 months. While we have had our ups and downs already over the years around race/identify/adoption issues, my son has thus far been able to handle most issues he has faced around his adoption. However, tonight he was very upset because of the things being said to him at school. At first, he told me that the children were just calling him names and being mean to him, but after further discussion, he told me that what really bothers him is when people question him about the differences between the two of us.
He point blank said that he doesn't want his classmates to know that he is adopted and that he hates when people make comments about me not looking like him. He used to be very proud of being adopted but now he is ashamed of being adopted and how our color differences make him feel different and ridiculed.
I have also faced many comments from the people in the school (which is predominantly African American) and feel very comfortable letting people know that their comments and/or questions are very inappropriate. How do I help my son out and what is an appropriate response for someone his age that will get the correct message across to his classmates without making things worse? He is very nervous about speaking up as he thinks this will only make things worse and that the children "won't be his friend anymore". Any guidance and/or suggestions would be much appreciated!
Thank you.Click here to read the experts' replies
An Adoptive Parent Writes:
We are searching for a more diverse school environment for our 5 year-old son who is bi-racial. We adopted our son when he was 3 weeks old. We have 3 biological children ages 14, 12, and 10 who are Caucasian. We have been looking at a private school that has a ratio of 96% African-American and 4% other. The one hold-up we have with this environment is that it offers cultural diversity that is completely the opposite of our home life. Do you think that this situation is too confusing for a child? ...
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A Prospective Adoptive Parent Writes:
We are in the process of adopting a baby girl from Rwanda. As Caucasian queer parents we take white privilege and racism seriously. We are intentional in many ways to confront our own internal racism and the systems of white privilege. My question: To what degree is racial identity enhanced if you adopt more that one child of color at a time? We do not have any other children living at home and would consider adopting siblings. I appreciate your help ...
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An Adoptive Parent Writes:
My husband and I are both Caucasian. We have two daughters, ages 7 and 3, who are Caucasian/African American. We adopted each of them as newborns. I am now very surprised to find myself pregnant. I am very concerned that having a Caucasian biological child will somehow make my daughters feel like a minority in their own family. I also worry that they may see this child as "belonging" to us more than they do. My older daughter is already aware of the differences in our appearance ...
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A Transracial Adoptee Writes:
I am British-Asian. I was adopted by a white British family when I was still a baby. I had a good childhood, but I always felt there was something 'off'. In my teenage years and early twenties I was very promiscuous. I just wanted someone to want me. ...I found my birth mother when I was in my early twenties and started to write to her. She didn't respond for about 3 years. I found it difficult to be around my own family as my mother, in trying to support me, isolated me by always mentioning it at family meals ...
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An Adoptive Parent Writes:
My wife and I are adoptive parents of two children, ages 7 and 4. Our 7 year old is a biracial male that we adopted when he was 4months old ...He recently asked me if the inside of his hands are the color that the rest of his body should be. ... How should I answer these types of very difficult questions, and how can I prepare him to handle the confusion and questions that he will encounter in the future? Than you so much for your insights ...
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An Adoptive Parent Writes:
My husband and I are white and Jewish. We have two biological children. Our new adopted 2-year old daughter is half Mexican, half Black and intersex (was born with both male and female genitalia- surgically "corrected" to be a girl). She will very possibly have to deal with issues of homosexuality/gender identity disturbance. Any suggestions?
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A Prospective Adoptive Parent Writes:
My husband and I are going through the foster/adoptive parent process, and as an interracial couple, we requested a child of mixed heritage. I am African American, and my husband is Brazilian and German. During a phone call with the agency, I asked if this was possible. The secretary said that she always felt that this was a tacky question and that people should just take what they are given. I responded that as an African American woman I really want a child who has somewhat the same features as me or some African features. I also would like for my husband to have a son who bears some traits of his.
I have a cousin who is rearing her sister's mixed race Puerto Rican child who is very light skinned. She was questioned at the airport about the child and detained so that she missed her flight. I don't want that to happen to me, and I am not Angelina Jolie. My husband and I don't feel that it is tacky to want a child similar to ourselves, but I wanted an outside opinion. I just feel that it would be easier to make the transition, and since any child that we would have would look mixed, we feel that this is a reasonable request. Are we wrong?
Finally, this is a sensitive subject, and I have found that people can be crass or unaccepting of other people's needs when developing their family. Thank you for your response.
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A Prospective Adoptive Parent Writes:
I appreciate your up front answers to these questions. My husband and I are just starting the process of adoption and are strongly considering Ethiopia. We are both caucasian and have two bio kids, a son age 4 and a daughter 6. We would want to adopt a 2-3 year old boy. I have been doing a lot of research on transracial adoption and have to admit that it scares me. I am not concerned about experiencing prejudice myself or about putting our family in the "spotlight" and dealing with ignorant questions (although I recognize that all these things will happen). I am concerned about doing a disservice to my adopted child (and in turn my bio kids who would surely be affected by that). I have read as much as I can from adult adoptees from Africa and a more then a few times have seen comments that despite their loving parents, and good childhood, they wish they hadn't been adopted. One went so far as to say she would have rather stayed in Ethiopia and dealt with war and famine then deal with the feeling of isolation of growing up black in a white family. I would feel absolutely heartbroken if my adult child said that to me, feeling like I failed my child in my decision to remove them from their home country.
I'll be as upfront as I can with our situation and I would appreciate you advice on if we should and how we might make this work.
We live in suburban California. The majority is definitely white, although we are more diverse then many suburbs with many Asian and Hispanic families. However, we only have a few African American families within our housing development and a small percentage overall in our town. We are not able to relocate anytime soon.
My children attend a public charter school which is more diverse then our regular public school but still has only a few African American children in each class. The materials that the school uses though represent incredible diversity. And they spend a lot more time focusing on world history, geography and cultures then many schools.
We have no close friendships with African Americans, although we have casual friendships with some (we are friendly at school, they come over for/ we are invited to neighborhood get togethers, kids bday parties, etc). I do have close relationships with Africans in Kenya. But recognize they have not experienced life as an African American and would have many differences from Ethiopians.
I have spent time living as a minority when I did a semester of college in Barbados. My husband spent time living in the Philipines. I don't know how much value our short term experiences have particularly since we did it as adults not all through our formative years, but we have done it.
Our church only has one African American member (60 members, about 40 of them white). We would be willing to attend a predominantly African American church on Sundays and for children's events but admit it would be hard to be as involved as we are at our current church due to it being about 45 minutes away (makes it hard for mid week gatherings, etc).
We travel internationally (including Africa and the Caribbean and other areas where we are a minority) as much as possible and try to give the kids a global perspective and the realization that there are other things out there, other ways of life, and more ways to approach things then how they see modeled in America.
I travel frequently (2x this year) to Kenya working with AIDS orphans and have strong ties there (unfortunately residency requirements preclude us from adopting in Kenya). But we would make an extreme effort to bring our children to Ethiopia on numerous occasions and develop similiar ties there. We have plans to temporarily move to have our children attend high school in Kenya at an international school which has students from all over the world, including Ethiopia. Many, many of the families there are transracial adoptive families. The proximity of actually being in Africa I hope would allow us the ability to more frequently visit Ethiopia during school breaks. And the ability to have friends from transracial adoptive families I hope would really help during the tough teen years.
My desire to adopt comes from us wanting to expand our family (cannot have anymore biological children). I know without a doubt we could provide unconditional love and support to our adopted child, and we really do not feel as if our family is complete yet.
From working with orphans in Kenya I see that they (meaning the kids who do not live with their families, who have already found good orphanages, and not the ones who are "street children" without families or any help at all) often do not need to be "rescued." More food, more medical help, more staff to care for them, yes. They often need much more of the basic physical needs. But I see that they have joy and love often beyond what many in America have experienced with our materialistic focused society and they often have tremendous community support. I have met adults who have grown up in those environments strong, happy, and proud, and into amazingly fantastic people, who have become mentors to me. I also know not every kid is a sucess story (often due to lack of medical supplies and basic physical needs), and that for every kid who does find a home, another one of the thousands of children living alone on the street can be placed into the more supportive environment of the orphanage where they have people to care for them and can recieve an education, and for that reason adoption can be a good thing for kids still in that country.
So I am torn between what is better for the child. And that's the million dollar question, right? Is it better to stay in an environment with which you are culturally identified, have community support, maybe some connection to your birth family, maybe none, and be living in an orphanage (which can be both very positive or very negative for different kids and depending on the specific environment at that orphanage) in a situation where your health, physical needs and sometimes safety might be in continual jeopardy, or is it better to be living in an area with which you are not culturally identified, with people with whom you are not culturally identified, but having all your most basic physical needs met and then some, and being surrounded by an adoptive family who loves you tremendously but will never fully get everything you've been through or your experience as an Ethiopian or as an African American.
Thank you for taking the time to share your opinions with me.
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A Prospective Adoptive Parent Writes:
My husband and I are thinking of adopting from Haiti. We are both caucasian and have one birth child who is 2 years old. We live in a predominantly white town, and we are seriously struggling with the decision of whether to adopt one or two kids from Haiti. We have been told by a few people that it's much better for the adopted kids of color to not be the only one in the family, and my husband feels that it's the only way we should adopt. i can see how it would be better for the kids, but i am very concerned about us having three kids, as we both work (and i'm starting a new, albeit part-time, job) and tend to be busy and often a little stressed just with the responsibilities of life with one 2 year-old.
I'm worried that the extra responsibilities and stress/chaos of having three kids, not to mention the challenges of transracial adoption, may outweigh the benefits of the adopted kids having a sibling of color to normalize their experience in the family/community. We have come to somewhat of a standstill on this issue, losing sleep, considering not adopting at all, if we can't come to terms with this, so we would really appreciate any guidance or advice you can offer on this question.
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An Adoptive Parent Writes:
We are adopting a child from Ethiopia. Our question is: How and when do we explain racism to our child? What words should we use?
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My wife and I have adopted a 15 and a half year old son. His biological mother is white, his biological father is Hispanic. During his formative years, he was in African American neighborhoods and has adopted both African American culture and street life culture as his own. We are white and have strived to bring people of other than white culture into his life. He is very comfortable with and seeks out people with African American heritage. He loves hip-hop and dresses in that style.
How do we help our son work through being tri-racial? He has all three cultures in his life and wants something from each. People in the African American community are starting to reject him because he is not African American, which is confusing to him as he was primarily raised African American. He does not know much about his Hispanic culture and has had a hard time with his white culture. Likewise, when I have exposed him to places where he can enjoy the African American world, he seeks out those who have self destructive behaviors, rejecting the beauty of the culture and believing that street life, gangs, and drugs are the normal African American life. Yet the culture is so much deeper and more beautiful, and I struggle to show that to him. How can I help him see the beauty in his unique heritage while rejecting those things that might destroy him?
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My husband and I adopted our daughter 4 yrs ago. I am Filipino-Irish, my husband is Caucasian, and our daughter is African American. We have quite a blended extended family consisting of Spanish, Filipino, Black, Native American Indian, etc., and our daughter attends a progressive, diverse daycare. We have an open adoption and see her birth mom and her family a few times a year, living only 45 minutes away. She knows she was in her birth mom's tummy and that we brought her home from the hospital and that she is LOVED by so many more than she will ever know. We believe that the access to her bio family is the BEST thing we can provide for her with regard to her heritage.
Having said that, I have been surprised at the issue of skin color already in her world! A few times when I've picked her up from school, her little friends have asked why we do not have the same skin color. I tell them it's because God made us the way he wanted us, and they all seem to accept that short answer. Last night she threw me for a loop when she told me, "I'm different than the other kids." I told her she sure was, that she is SPECIAL. I then asked her why she said that, and she said, "My skin is brown." I told her what a beautiful brown color it was, and then she told me that she wanted her skin to be white. I loved on her and told her that God made her brown and that could not be changed and asked her why she wanted her skin to be white. She said that there were not many brown kids at her school, only one girl. I reminded her of the many other kids of varying degrees of brownness at her school, including her brown teacher who adores her. But it broke my heart to hear these words from my baby girl's mouth.
She is a strong, beautiful, confident and happy child, and I hate to think of her being upset about her skin color. I can somewhat relate because I wanted blond hair/blue eyes growing up after my stepsister joined my family, and my stepmom pushed my sister and me to be like her. That was the first time I felt inadequate, and I did not embrace my ethnicity. I was not living with my mothe,r and my Filipino heritage was not talked about. I felt like I missed out on a lot not living in my bio mom's house, but I do realize that that was my path in life too. I didn't get into my ethnicity until I was in my mid-20's, and I feel so much more complete now.
Any nuggets of wisdom for us? I don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill, but I do want to help her develop a healthy, positive self-image. Any recommended reading, groups, activities? Thanks so much in advance!
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I am a single white mother with an African American son who I adopted at birth and who is now 7. We are currently looking for a new home. We are renters and I doubt that I will be able to find anything in my price range in our current neighborhood.
This weekend I fell in love with a little house in the suburbs. It's got everything I'm looking for as the mother of an athletic little boy who loves the outdoors -- a yard to play in, quiet streets with sidewalks for bike riding, proximity to several playgrounds and parks, and a reasonable commute. Walking around the neighborhood I saw several black children his age playing outside, including a couple right on his street. The school has a good repuation, good test scores for students of all races, and is in a well funded district with a curriculum that suits his learning style. However, demographically, the school serves a relatively small number of African American students. According to the school system's website, the school is "20.9% African American, 0.6% American Indian, 11.6% Asian American, 31.4% Hispanic and 35.6% White". If these numbers are accurate, it would the first my time my son has attended a school that is less than 1/4 African American. I love the fact that the school is predominantly children of color, and that he'd be exposed to a wide variety of familes and ethnicities, but worry that he wouldn't have enough contact specifically with children and families like his own.
I don't expect the school to be my son's only source of contact with the African American community, but I know that it's a crucial one, especially as he grows up and becomes more independent of me. We have a lot of other things in place such as a number of African American friends who we see regularly, he plays on several integrated sports teams coached by Black fathers (I intentionally seek out such teams), and we regularly read books, attend concerts and performances, and go to museum exhibits related to African and African American culture. We are also members of an African American organization related to one of our families hobbies, and do activities with them. We also attend an annual camp for White/Black adoptive families with African American counselors. Nonetheless, I don't think any of these things can take the place of having African American friends, neighbors and teachers he sees every day.
If I decide to look for a neighborhood with a larger African American population it seems that I will have 3 choices. 1) moving into a small apartment -- something that would be difficult for him, given his personality, 2) moving into a community where the schools are underfunded with large classes and little in the way of arts and enrichment, and 3) moving to a more distant suburb, making my daily commute longer -- leading to less time with him, and making it more difficult to keep him on his current sports teams, visit grandma, or take advantage of cultural opportunities in the city. I am willing to make those sacrifices if it's the best thing for my child, but I'm not convinced it is.
I guess my question is -- does this community sound like it would a workable match for our family -- or should I keep looking? How do I figure out how to prioritize between his need to be connected to his community of birth, and his other needs (good schools, the chance to do those things he loves and excels at like riding his bike, hiking, playing sports, and his need to stay connected with his extended adoptive family)? We've been lucky so far in that we've been able to live in a community that has a large African American population, good schools, and nice housing, but as I said we're being priced out of it.
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My husband and I are the white parents of 3 kids; two of them were adopted and have special needs. My bio son’s father is black, we have been divorced for many years and he has not stayed involved, but my son is very fair skinned like myself and many of his Jamaican relatives. My husband adopted him too. We have contact with his bio family but they live across the country from us. Our daughter is part Native, but she does not look mixed race either. My youngest son’s birthmother is biracial but he is fairly dark skinned and curly haired. He is the one I am writing you about. He has Spina Bifida but he walks normally. He has had several surgeries and is incontinent both bowel and bladder. That has always been his main area of concern along with his problems with learning. We have often talked about his feelings around adoption and being a black child in a predominantly white family but he always stated that it wasn’t a problem for him. The city we live in is not very racially diverse, however he does have several black children in his grade at school, but he has not hung out with them.
He has been seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist lately because he has expressed a desire to be dead. He say’s his life is not worth living. He has always said it is because school is too hard and he can’t stand being incontinent anymore. Last night after a counseling session he told me he hates me and his father for adopting him because we are white. He feels very strongly about this. He said he would have rather grown up in an orphanage than with a white family. We went over his life book again last night. There is a lot of information in there about his biological family, but his birth mother requested a closed adoption.
My son has always loved me so much and I love him more than you could imagine. Of all the kids he has always been the most affectionate and happy. It hurts to hear him say he hates me but it hurts even more to see him in such pain. I know that a lot of what he is going through right now is developmental since he is now 14 and trying to separate from his parents and find his own identity. This is even more complicated for him because he is so dependant on us for his medical needs. He probably feels quite trapped at times. We are working on getting him to become more independent in that area but he is resistant to these changes. The adoption community here has always struggled to keep a support network going and I have not been able to find any help here. When we first adopted I was quite active in that area and attended 3 NACAC conferences. The last several years I have sought support more around the kids medical issues. My daughter has Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder and has been a handful to raise.
I am so afraid he will harm himself. Do you have any suggestions on how I can help him? Are there any moderated online support groups for cross culturally adopted youth that you know of?
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I'm a 20 year old female and a child of transracial fostering. I was placed with a white family permanently from the age of 1-1/2 after previously staying with them while my birth mother returned to Africa. Although the foster placement was by private arrangement and at the time temporary, I have remained with them as if it was in fact an adoption. I consider them my parents.
The problem I am having is the coping mechanisms I use to deal with my situation are not working, and I am increasingly finding it harder to deal with my situation. Blocking my feelings of isolation out and hoping that they will go away is no longer working, and I find my lack of knowledge and experience of my culture very isolating and very damaging to my confidence and self esteem. What’s worse is I find it very difficult to broach the subject with my family or white friends as they see me as white and think that by wanting to look at my culture I am trying to be something I am not or in some way dismissing or saying there is something wrong with white culture. Black friends/ acquaintances dismiss my curiosity, seeing me as being white or a coconut and find it very awkward or an intrusion if I ask them questions about things regarding race or culture. They see these things as something I should just know, or ask my "family" or "close family acquaintances" to help me, in a way assuming I have close black friends or relatives to teach me.
I have sought counseling in order to try and put my experiences into perspective and move on from my experiences, but I have found the experiences to be unhelpful as counselors have not been able to help me resolve issues or provide necessary support.
I suppose my question is to ask if there is anything you suggest I can do or any organizations that can help me. I have spent many years trying to teach myself on the internet and have experimented with food, etc., but am finding the emotional burden of carrying my experience alone a burden and very damaging to my self. I’m based in the UK and have found that most of the literature on transracial adoption caters toward theoretical discussion or to preparing or informing parents considering taking the transracial step, as opposed to providing resources to those who need help with adjusting to having gone through the process. I just feel as if this is a huge black cloud over my head and that I need some help to sort my life about before it affects me anymore.
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I'm a biracial person (half Caucasian and half Asian) who looks very Asian. I identify more with being an Asian American and consider myself a person of color. Some families who are White and adopted transracially have been calling themselves Asian American families and/or Families of Color. My reaction is that they aren't either of these. Their children are. I don't understand why they drop the description of multiethnic or interracial families. What's wrong with this term? Sometimes, I feel they are co-opting my identity or stealing my identity. I don't think the parents who are White would really know what it means to be Asian American or a person of color, so why do they use this term? Thank you.
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My partner and I are a "professional" white and Jewish queer female couple. (We noticed on the Discovery Channel's Adoption Stories, when there's a gay couple, they're introduced as "professional gay couple." Why not just "gay couple?!") We're considering all of our options for starting a family, transracial adoption included. We live in a culturally and racially diverse neighborhood in Chicago. We love the city, and plan on staying here. We have friends of all colors, nationalities, religions, lifestyles, etc.
We stumbled upon your site randomly, and we're glad we did. We've never seen you lecture, and honestly, we're not clear just by reading the Ask the Expert section if you're more pro or con transracial adoption.
We love the idea of having a multicultural family, but we want what's in the best interest of our (future) child.
Should African American children, which we're strongly interested in, ideally be placed with African American families? Considering it's not an ideal world, what are your feelings?Click here to read the experts' replies
My husband and I adopted our son from Peru when he was 7 weeks old. He is now 17. He has a younger brother that we adopted from Brazil. We have always lived in an urban area and our son has had many opportunities to attend school and interact socially with African Americans and some Latinos. We are middle class and live in a mixed middle class/professional neighborhood. Our son seems to have embraced a ghetto lifestyle, which has included drug use, arrest, rehab (twice), probation, school failure. He recently dropped out of school six months before he was due to graduate. Last weekend two of his friends were shot. My son seems to have rejected many things that our family values. He has refused to discuss any issues with therapists or counselors, individually or with the whole family. His anger and depression (?) are tearing us apart. I fear for his safety and worry that he will never be content. We worry that his actions are a way to assert that he is not "white." Can you offer any hope? Any suggestions?
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We are foster parents to a biraical baby boy (African American and Caucasian) We live in a fairly diverse community. We are fortunate that our birth children have been around a variety of cultures-in their preschool and their playgroup especially. We are even fortunate enough to know families who have adopted trasracially.
Because of this, and since they have had an array of diverse playmates, my husband and I were quite shocked when our five year old stated that he wished the baby was "a different color" when he came to stay with us (He also stated that he wished the baby were a girl.) He has made a few comments regarding the "color' of the baby. He has stated that he likes the baby, and he "likes that color now, but still wishes he were a girl." His attitude toward the baby is extremely positive-he loves to help with his care, he loves to play with him and make him laugh and expresses concern for his well being. They are great playmates. (Our three year old son has not expressed anything in regard to the race of the child: only the gender, saying he only wants boy babies to stay with us.)
We have tried to be very matter of fact with our son's questions, simply stating that people come in all colors, and from different places. I have cited simple examples such as Thomas the Tank Engine (The trains are different colors, have different personalities and traits, but they are all trains.) We also have talked about all of the friends we have from different countries and all of the different languages they speak. (He is also asking about different languages since he has a friend who is Russian.) We have read books together and I have tried to be honest with him. I am not so naive as to think that we are doing enough. I want to strike a balance between addressing the issue, without constantly focusing on it-I feel that that would only highlight how the baby is different. I want to acknowledge and discuss our differences, but send the message that race is not the only aspect of the baby's identity. What are some other things we can do to handle this? He has not made a big a deal of it, just an occasional comment, but we want to make sure we handle his questions in an appropriate manner. Thank you!Click here to read the experts' replies
My husband and I are of European descent. I am American and he is British, and we live in the US. We have no children and are beginning the process of adopting one or more children with African-American heritage. We both grew up in racially mixed communities and have spent most of our adult lives living in large cities with people from all sorts of backgrounds.
My husband was born in Ghana, and his family lived there for over 10 years (though my husband moved to Oman at the age of 2). His family has an intimate knowledge of and fondness for Ghana and its rich culture. As part of West Africa, people from what is today Ghana were forced into the slavery and taken to the North American continent, so there is an ancestral connection between that region of Africa and many African Americans.
My husband also went to boarding school in the UK, and there were many African children at the school. His best friend to this day is a Nigerian man who lives in Lagos. My husband grew up with very open and intimate friendships with African boys, and we want this experience to help us and our children to celebrate being a multi-ethnic family.
Do you have any suggestions regarding whether and how we should integrate this part of my husband's background into how we teach our children about their ethnic backgrounds and ours, and how to celebrate those backgrounds? Is it appropriate to explicitly draw from this part of my husband's history in developing our children's identity and their connection to us as parents?
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I am thrilled to have found your website.
I am of European heritage and my husband is of Chinese heritage. Our three children are adopted from china (2, 5 and 7) Recently we have been discussing adding another child to the family and I have been drawn to Ethiopia. Our community is primarily Caucasian, Asian, and Middle Eastern. What would you recommend we think about and/or plan before making this decision? Thank you!
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My husband and I have adopted four fantastic kids out of foster care. Our oldest is Caucasian/Hispanic/Native American and is 15, one daughter is a very dark skinned African American 5 year old, a biracial 4 year old daughter, and a biracial 2 year old son. This question may appear to be snobbish or self centered, but I'm going to ask it anyway.
My husband and I are both well educated and from middle/upper class Caucasian families. While we don't cram it down their throats, we do try to embrace each child's race(s) as much as possible. I am homeschooling our younger children because our five year old has cognitive as well as physical delays. She attended public preschool and had a wonderful teacher. He recommened homeschooling because he thought she was capable of so much more than the test scores showed. We agreed, and we do not think she deserves the label "special ed."
We really enjoy having school everyday and are quite involved at the Y with dance and our homeschool group. However, the Y has a very small number of African American familes who attend, and our homeschool group has none.
Finally, my question: How do you recommend we meet families of African American descent that will be at the same socio-economic level as our own? We live in SW Florida, which has a large Haitian community, however our kids are not Haitian. Also, because we would like our children to achieve as much as possible in life, we would like them exposed to others who also hold education in high esteem. I fully expect at least three of my children to hold college degrees or at least choose a serious profession.
We want the best for our children regardless of their race. Is it right to expose them to people we can't relate to on any level other than race? Thanks for your opinion!
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My husband and I (both European descent with light features) have two biological children (blonde hair, light eyes). We are very seriously considering adopting one or more children from Ethiopia, but we have also considered other countries. Our desire to adopt is out of the hope to have a larger family, not necessarily to rescue anyone.
My husband is also in the military. We move frequently, and will continue to do so for many years. Becuase of this, the ethnic make-up of our surroundings is ever-changing! I see this as a benefit, but after reading every question/answer on here, I am wondering how we will ensure that our adopted children will have the network of support that they need! (With a few exceptions, the only long-standing relationships in our lives are with our European-American families.) We already read many of the books that were mentioned in one of the questions to our children, our daughter has dolls with different color skin, my best friend's husband is of East Indian descent (and has very dark skin), and we would endeavor to know families of all colors wherever we live (not to mention take trips to Ethiopia, learn that specific culture, etc.). Yet, after reading all of this, I have a bit of a sinking feeling. Do you think that we are getting in over our heads; without being able to have deep roots in one community, is it possible for our adopted children to be well adjusted & comfortable with their identity?
I really appreciate all that I have read here; what a great resource this is! Thank you!
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I am the mother of two teenagers, 17 and 16, adopted as infants from Peru. We live in Vermont, arguably the least diverse state in the USA. When the kids were young children, we went to quite a few events and meetings of groups of parents of South American and Central American adoptees. We got a very strong message from both children that this was of no interest to them. They both seemed to want to fit into the local culture of kids, to be more the same than different. Since it seemed like the "ethnic events" benefitted us more than them, and they'd rather stay home, we stopped going.
Fast forward 10 or so years. My daughter, almost 16 now, has been unhappy for several years. It has finally surfaced that she feels separated from her culture of origin, bereft of a real culture, and is quite angry at us for not doing more. While she is a day student at a private school with more diversity than the local schools and far more racial tolerance than most public schools, there are few Latino students there either.
We can't go back and do it over, but there must be something we can do now; not to repair the damage but to support her and try to help her feel less alone and apart. I would particularly like to find a way for her to be more in touch with her heritage.
Your website is a fantastic find. It was listed right at the top when I did a Google Search on "white parents children of color". Thanks so much for the fabulous resources.
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I am a single white mother of an adopted African American six-year-old boy. I am very committed to his taking full possession of his cultural heritage and growing up to be a strong, secure man. We live in predominantly African American/Caribbean neighborhood and he goes to a wonderful, academically sound school with a decent black population (35%). I grew up in a black community and have a deep and complicated love and respect of black culture. Here's my issue; I took my son into a hip hop clothing store to get him a baseball cap. In the store, which he loves, he saw a poster of a rapper wearing a do-rag. Now, I hate those things, and I think they look like a pair of pantyhose wrapped around your head. Now Oscar wants one. He has an older brother (14) who is bio to me and white. When older brother was little, he wanted me to buy things I really didn't like or want to support, and I felt confident saying no, but in this situation, I feel unsure. I don't want to make my little son feel that I'm rejecting black culture just because I think do-rags look ridiculous and trashy (unless you're actually having your hair set, when they still look bad, but at least serve a purpose). My black girlfriends don't hesitate to advise me about things I should and shouldn't do with my boy's hair and how certain things will come across. I don't see other little boys wearing those rags, but maybe, because exploring his identity is trickier for Oscar, I should let him have one. He would probably just try it on and look in the mirror (a favorite pastime for him!) then drop it on the floor and forget it like most of his other costumes and toys. Your thoughts would be most appreciated.
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I am a single mother of two beautiful biracial children. I am white, and their father is black. The oldest son is dark with dark hair and eyes, while the youngest one's skin tone is the same as mine (white). He also has blue eyes and a blonde fro. I have not yet cut his hair and he is now 2. It is very curly and long. However I am afraid that when I do cut it, his hair will form a different texture. I need to know what I should do to his hair. Have any ideas? Thank you so much for your help.
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I have three daughters, one bio and two adopted. I am white. Two of my daughters are biracial and one is Black, adopted from Haiti. I am raising my daughters to understand and value their origins, but to identify with/as Black Americans. I incorporate Haitian culture in our lives and we will return to visit friends in Haiti. But my daughter will experience life as a Black American and that is the main group that I think it is important for her to identify with, feel comfortable with, feel a sense of belonging to. I have friends who teach their children that they are not Black Americans, but Haitian Americans. I feel that this leads to a feeling of separation and even a sense of "better than." I question whether the benefit is for the children or for the parents. There are many ways that I will help my daughter internalize a sense of pride in her birth country. I just believe it is better for her to form her group identity as a Black American, rather than a Haitian American.
What are your thoughts about this? Thank you
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We are a white, gay male couple. We live in Los Angeles, but in a pretty white neighborhood. We have many gay friends who have created families through adoption. We do not have any friends of color, not by choice, it's just how it turned out. We are very open to the idea of a transracial adoption, but we are concerned that the combination of having two dads layered on top of racial identity issues would be a lot to ask of a child.
What are your thoughts on same-sex/transracial adoptions?
Thanks for your great site. I am one of the many who "stumbled" onto it and truly appreciate all the information.
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I'm happy to have found your webpage and I'm hoping you can give me some advice or resources.
I am biracial, my mom is white and my father is black. I was raised by my mother in a black neighborhood, went to a mostly white school. My mom's community was all white, and most of my friends until college were white. I was a Black Studies major in college. That's where I worked through my issues with identity. I now feel very clear about who I am and what it means to be both biracial (where my people come from) and black (how I am perceived). I identify as both/either, depending on why I'm being asked.
Fast forward to now. My husband is white (though he's 1/2 Italian, and where we live he is often perceived as Latino, but that's a whole separate story). My in-laws have three biological children, my husband being the youngest, and four adopted kids. [Jerome], the youngest, is 15 and biracial. His bio-mom is black and his bio-dad is white. He lives in a super white, and mostly conservative environment. Other than myself, there are no black adults in his life. In his school he can pass as white (or at least not as black), his peers don't believe him when he says he's half black. As he moves through adolescence it becomes more clear to me that he's really struggling with his identity. He seems to want to assert his blackness, but the only examples he has of black men are from TV, basketball, and music videos. It's really disturbing to me to hear his ideas about who black people are and what it means to be a black person.
Jerome seeks me out to talk with about race, and I do what I can, telling him about my experience and asking him questions to help facilitate the development of his own thoughts about race and his identity. It's becoming clear to me that he really needs something that I can't give him. My husband and I live three hours away and visit once every three or four months. I also recognize that Jerome's experience is different from mine in significant ways--he's adopted, he can pass, he's male. I know these things complicate (and, someday, I hope, will enrich) his understanding of himself in ways I can't relate to. But I do want to help. I will, of course, continue to be available to talk with and to challenge him. I am also happy to advocate on his behalf with his folks. His parents are white liberal hippies and don't seem to suffer from the guilt that is often prevalent among people of their generation. They want to do the right thing. They're open to change and I think are thankful that [Jerome] has me to talk to. I think they respect my opinion enough to listen to any criticisms or suggestions I would give them. I'd really like to provide them with some resources, for them and for Jerome. This is where I'm hoping you can help.
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My wife and I have started the adoption process through [agency]. My wife is white, and I am half Hispanic and half white. I have experienced the discriminations and racisms like other biracial children growing up in my town did in the 1970's. I did not however, let them define who I am. My family on both sides were very supportive. What I learned from them is not to be pigeonholed or to do the same to other people. They raised me to be American, period. I am not so naive to believe that racism is not out there, but to me the only thing more shallow than a racist is the thought that all white people are racist. Some of the most racist people I know are the so- called "People of Color". [Agency] seems to be discouraging white couples, or in our case, us from adopting a bi-racial child. We love learning any kind of history or culture. And we do not feel like we would be saving a child just because they look different that us.
My question is what is wrong with just being American? Mistakes have been made in our history, and we should learn from those mistakes so that they are not repeated.
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We are new (white) foster parents who plan to adopt our new black foster daughter. She is almost five. She is smart and very inquisitive about the family situation. I struggle with how to expose her to black role models. I have one black friend who I do not see that often (due to proximity), and I know of several transracial adoptive families in my area.
The question I have is, "Will my daughter benefit from arranged friendships that expose her to other children similar to her, or will she be better off with us (as a family) sending her a consistent message that race is just one part of what defines a person?" So far, she has been interacting with another adopted (Korean) girl from next door. Jane is 11 and is sort of transfixed with this new little creature in our home-- knowing she arrived the same way years earlier.
We have chosen both Jane and my cousin Sarah to sponsor our daughter at her upcoming baptism. Sarah is biracial (23) and has never known her father. We believe they can mentor our daughter with regards to addressing and coping with more than just transracial issues. The bigger obstacle (in my opinion) is the loss of her birth parents.
One more question, I am confident in 99.9% of raising this girl. However, I have one very big fear and that is her pressing me for information about her biological family. Her mother is an absconded parolee, her three uncles are in prison, and I do not know her father's whereabouts. She has mentioned several times (during the four months she has lived with us) that she wants to be with her "mom" again someday. I know she is very young and in time she will stop talking about it.
I hate lying to her. She tells me that her mom lives in Detroit. I respond, "I don't know where she is." It feels sort of sickening to lie to this little babe who has been so let down by the adult world. I know as time progresses the questions will become more probing and more insistent. What do I say? I so far have used the broken record technique. "Your Mom & Dad loved you but they could not parent you." It feels so phony and rehearsed. Any suggestions with regard to this?
Thanks.
P.S. I think society IS becoming more tolerant of transracial families. I have read so many books that warned me about the looks and comments, but I have experienced nothing negative. In fact, most people smile and are extremely supportive. Nothing feels "weird" like the families of previous generations mentioned. Maybe this melting pot thing is really working?
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We are a Caucasian couple who have begun the adoption process here in New Zealand. I have my heart set on adopting from South Africa, two boys of Zulu heritage.
New Zealand has its multi-cultural cities, but we are dairy farmers in a predominately bicultural area (Maori and Caucasian). I know an African family in our neighboring town, and my sister, who is local, is due to have a biracial son. I have inquired into African social groups to join or African shops in our country and there is basically nothing out there. There is a local South African support group, yet the members are Caucasian. However, New Zealand is generally a very multi-cultural country and most New Zealanders are quite accepting of minority groups. Many children in South African orphanages are very similar in appearance to Maori and Samoan people here in New Zealand, both cultures of which are well integrated into society.
I intend to establish a voluntary organization teaching youth agriculture and will return to South Africa regularly. I have always had a very strong passion for South Africa and a spiritual bonding to the country (If I can say that without sounding silly) and have already partially adopted the country, race, culture, and heritage as my own and intend to adopt it fully. I will be in South Africa for at least three months of each year, and my sons would be fully immersed in their county of origin and race during those visits. I also wish to learn Zulu fluently and will converse with my sons bilingually.
I will provide as much of South African heritage, language, culture, toys, ornaments, posters, etc., as I can whilst we are back here in New Zealand. I feel certain that in every way possible I will do what's right by these boys, and they will have pride in their culture and heritage and who they are. However I was wanting to know from an expert what your opinion is on this circumstance, or if you can see any issues that may arise that I may not have considered. Your opinion would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for your time.
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My partner and I recently adopted a beautiful little girl. She is now seven weeks old. He is mixed race and I am caucasian (though to the outside world, he looks caucasian). His family has hues of every color; mine is pretty much vanilla. My concerns and questions are multiple here. Our daughter will be raised by two fathers who look seemingly white. We are also raising her Jewish, since that is my heritage and is the religious community where we are accepted. Is this too much to ask of our daughter? It seems like quite a burden to carry, to not totally fit in somewhere within your social circles. We both know how important it will be to have her connected to the black community, but what about religion? We live in a very accepting and warm community but know this is not how the world is. Any advice you can give us would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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My husband and I are interested in adopting an African-American child domestically. We are both caucasion and have a four year old biological daughter. We had been leaning towards adopting a bi-racial child, in the hopes that they would be able to identify with us on some level ("my birth mother / father is white"). However, we have been reading about the additional challenges that bi-racial children face, in identifying with one or the other culture. My background is in counseling and I am very in tune with cultural issues, however, our community is primarily Caucasian, Asian, and Middle Eastern. Do you have any advice about possible differences between raising a bi-racial vs. African-American child? Thank you so much for your help!
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My wife and I are working with an agency that encourages transracial adoption but our preference is to adopt within our own race. We are both Caucasian and are interested in adopting a Caucasian baby. Our primary reasons for wanting to adopt in our own race are that first, we would like our baby to look like us; second, that although we have friends of other races and could seek out and make new friends in our child's race, this may be contrived; and third that we truly believe that a child is best raised within his/her own race. At first we were told this was not a problem. Later, we were told that it would be o.k. to adopt through the foster system (foster/adopt) but that they did not think we should work with any birthmothers. This is because they were afraid that it the mother were white and told them that the father was also white, then the child was born mixed race, we would back out. Our feeling was that if the mother was not truthful, our relationship would be difficult ongoing.
My question is this. Do you think our desire to adopt within our own race is an indication of prejudice, ignorance and shortsightedness or do you think this is how most of the world would react? Would it be normal, desirable or socially acceptable within black, Asian, or Hispanic families to adopt Caucasian children? Or would it be normal for this to occur in Asia, Africa or South America? We understand that any child would be better off adopted than living in foster homes but shouldn't agencies make an extraordinary effort to find adoptive parents within their race first? Finally, do you see this as a bigger issue with black/white adoption vs. white/Hispanic or white/Asian? Our perception is that it would be much more difficult for a black child in a white home than a Hispanic or Asian child in a white home but we're not sure. This may seem even more prejudicial if one were willing to accept a Hispanic or Asian child but not a black one but it seems like the social issues would be much bigger for the black child/white parent?
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An adoptive parent writes:
I am a Caucasian single mother of a Black/Haitian 9 year old daughter. Lucy and I became a family when she was almost 3. She had been abandoned when she was 10 months old and had 3 other sudden changes to her living conditions prior to her coming to Canada. We live in a suburb of Vancouver B.C. While our community is multi-racial the biggest groups are Caucasian, Chinese and East Indian. We attend a play group of other children of African heritage put on by the Afro/Canadian community to provide role models for children adopted by white familles. It is a fight to get her to go each month and she spends at least half the time sulking in the corner. She keeps saying she does not want to go, but I make her as I feel it is important to have adult role models as well as see other children in the same family type as hers.
Lucy has difficulty with any kind of change and takes a long time to adjust to even small changes. I have considered adopting a sister for her as I feel this may help her see that she is not alone. She does have one African/Canadian friend but her closest friends are East Indian/Canadian and Chinese/Canadian and European/Canadian...Any advice?
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My husband and I are the adoptive parents to 9 children, and six of them are African American. My husband grew up in the United States (white suburbs), I grew up all over Africa. (missionary parents). My question is this...Please give me concrete suggestions on how to integrate the African American culture into my children's lives in a natural way that will not feel contrived or forced to them.
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My husband and I are both white and live in the Caribbean. Virtually all of our friends and associates around us are Kittician and of African descent. Perhaps I am injecting something I shouldn't, but I feel some of the future (white) parents on this board need to realize how important hair is to many of the children, teenagers, and adults I have been friends with. As a "white lady," I've tried to help out with some of the orphans, and everyone laughs at my attempts to "plait" or braid hair. It is an art, and if we adopt an African American girl, we would most definitely find a talented person to ensure she has hair like her peers.
Also, the question on this board about the baby not having his hair cut until he is one year old. This is a common practice here on the island, but I have yet to see one baby with an afro. They put the baby boys' hair in plaits or braids until they are around one or two years old. The first time watching this, I assumed it was painful until I saw the children falling asleep while their hair was being braided. All children tell me it "feels nice."
While living here, I have had the opportunity of volunteering at the orphanage. We also attend church and are highly involved in the community. The children at the orphanage and church love to touch my hair, look at the veins on my skin, etc. One time, a girl took a strand of my blond hair and put it on her head and said, "If I do this, maybe my hair will be soft and long like yours." I was able to bring back some ethnic dolls, but the children were somewhat taken back and asked me why I didn't bring any white dolls with me. I was then told that they love the little white dolls. On one visit, a two year old sat on my lap and proceeded to rub her arms. I asked her what she was doing, and she said she was trying to rub her color off so she could look like me. I could go on and on about this.
These children watch our American television obsessively. They want all of the things that they see on commercials. Many resent how they look, where they live, everything about themselves. I don't have a degree in sociology and have not been formally educated in these issues; this is just my opinion from my experiences. I am wondering if African children and adolescents living in a world where they perceive white people with all the power and money inherently question their value as a person of ethnic diversity, regardless of adoption? Perhaps it is this island of extreme poverty that causes this situation. What are your thoughts on this? If we do adopt an African American girl, how can we as white parents help her deal with these negative situations?
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My husband and I are white parents with two biological children and four (soon to be six) adopted black children. We live in a decent, lower middle-class suburban area, and up until now have had no problems with our kids' schools.
Our middle two children (a boy and a girl) are age 7 and currently in the second grade. Our son has sickle cell disease, FAE, and has some attachment issues. He's also as smart as a whip and very handsome, charming, and impulsive. We are finding that his teachers seem to have much lower expectations for him simply because they first knew him as our foster son and know some of his history.
For example, in Kindergarten he was home with the chicken pox for a few weeks and learned to read simple books. We also wrote some books together and he illustrated them. When he went back to school, I made a point of talking to his teacher and bragging about how well he was now reading and asking her to have him read his books to her.
My follow-ups with the teacher were met with disbelief that my son could actually read because they did not reinforce these skills. From that point on, I've sent him to school, but he did most of his actual learning at home evenings and weekends.
Last year, we attempted to educate his teachers on how early neglect and abuse can affect neurological development. We discussed exercises and strategies for keeping him on task, but they didn't want to work with us and suggested we look at "medical interventions."
His sister is having no problems academically but struggles constantly for acceptance because she is emotionally very immature for her age. Her behavior with peers is more at the level of a four or five year old. In addition to the educational difficulties, I can't believe the language and ideas the kids bring home. Our oldest two children are 14 and 12, and they didn't hear the sexualized language and ideas that our second graders are bringing home.
At this point, I feel like I've given it a good shot, but I can teach my children better while providing them with the nurturing they need for emotional growth if I home school them. My only concern is that they are already different because we're a multi-racial family, and I worry that this will be yet another thing to "defend" to others. Our local home school association is entirely white and I've been unable to find a diverse home schooling association. We do have friends and neighbors of other races and many community events in the city (15 minutes away), but I would appreciate your opinion on this.
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I have a question...what do you think about black and white children in a custody battle and the white parent wins because the child is very light skinned and can pass for white ? There's more, but this is the question I need an answer for.
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I really appreciate the time you are taking to address people's questions on transracial adoption. I grew up knowing some people that were transracially adopted. I am interested in knowing if biracial children who would be considered "passing," meaning they look more white, have more or less problems feeling comfortable being a part of white families. I am curious because I have an acquaintance who is in this situation. She grew up in a predominantly white community with a very supportive family, but sometimes I wonder if that would make it easier to feel accepted in the community she grew up in. Can you suggest some articles or books that relate to this issue?
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My wife and I are an interracial couple: I am Jewish-American and she is from Colombia. We plan on having children biologically, but would also like to adopt. However, the question of race is difficult in this respect. I am white, but my wife doesn't fit into any of the available boxes. Although she appears to be more Native American, there are many members of her family who are fairly light skinned and others who reveal African ancestry.
Traveling in Latin America and having many Latin American friends, I have learned that this is quite common. Also, the society simply labels mixed race people as "morreno" or "dark," instead of the one-drop rule which is unfortunately still common in this country.
Seeing as there are many children in Colombia who have been abandoned due to grinding poverty and a raging civil war, we would like to adopt from there. However, I worry about how our children may be labeled and how we should teach them to label themselves. In the US, I suppose we might tell them that they are multiracial, but in Colombia, this term would be meaningless and would almost sound silly to the average "multiracial" person. Any advice on how to tackle such an issue?
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My husband and I are white, and have two adopted sons who are African American. Both of the boys have been with us since infancy, and they are biological siblings. The boys are ages one and nearly three. Our sons have no contact with their birth family, due to the wishes of their birth mother.
Mr. Raible and Ms. Johnson, thank you so much for providing your insight. After we adopted our children (from foster care), I felt like we were just left hanging in mid-air. There was no active post-adoption support regarding transracial adoption issues. At first we were living in a dream world of "love will conquer all," but I have since learned (thanks to people like you) that that isn't necessarily the case.
You have opened my eyes to the importance of providing these two little boys an opportunity to grow up among their people. They have already lost their biological ties, so the least we can do as parents is surround them with love and also with people of their own race.
If we stay in this area, our children won't be the only African American boys in their class, but they will be a definite minority. My husband and I are mobile and willing to move to an area with a much higher concentration of African Americans. What are your views on this?
If we do move and eventually enroll our sons in schools with a majority of black children, do you think they would have a hard time being accepted by the black kids because they have white parents?
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My question has to do with adopting older children as opposed to infants or very young children. My husband and I are in our 50's so for that reason we are most interested in adopting a child age 10 or older. In our city, this is also the area of greatest need. I have read about the problems of transracial adoption but most of the information seems to focus on children who have not been exposed to their own culture at all. How does that change when an older child is involved? If we're going to do this, we want to do as good of a job as possible. We have four grown children, one of whom is adopted. I am also an adopted child myself. I feel I know some of the problems involved in adoption, but not much about how that will change with an African-American or Hispanic child. Any advice would be very much appreciated. We have just begun our classes to qualify but want to be as well informed as possible. Thank you so much for your help.
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First, I am thrilled to have "stumbled" upon this website and am eagerly awaiting a reply. We have four children who joined our family by adoption, all at birth. Our oldest child is 16, a boy and Hispanic. Our next one is 12, a girl and European-American. Our third child is 4, a girl and African-American, and our last child is 2 years old and we are unsure of her ethnic makeup. I have two questions, and I apologize for the lengthiness, but I think about them frequently and hope that you can provide some insight. My thanks in advance.
1. We live in a southern state in an upper-middle class neighborhood that is primarily white. Our two older children attend private parochial schools that are next to each other and 2 minutes from our house. In fact, my husband works at the high school that our son attends. Initially, our children had attended our neighborhood public schools that were much more racially diverse. Unfortunately, we felt that they did not receive the spiritual and values-oriented atmosphere that we wanted for them and there were significant negative issues that they faced daily in the school setting so we decided, after much soul searching, to transfer them to a school that we thought could provide a more positive environment, as well as a better academic environment. We have been very happy with that decision for them.
Now, our 4 yr. old daughter is attending the preschool program in the same school where her sister is in 6th grade and the "logical" plan would be for her to continue on in that school. Recently, I have begun to think more and more about how she may feel being one of a very few African-American students in her school and it makes me sad. I love the school, the teachers are wonderful, the kids are great, education is superb - but, it's just so "white". If I choose to send her to our neighborhood public school she will certainly be around more African-American children but she will face all the same issues that I didn't like for her older brother and sister.
What's more important, that she has a racially diverse school and not the best education or atmosphere, or that she is in a school that matches our values and has a much better academic curriculum? Ideally, we would live in a racially diverse neighborhood and there would be many opportunities for her to socialize with African-American people, but the fact is that we live near my husband's work and our other children's school, and moving is not really an option. I am really struggling with what to do. Any suggestions?
2. My second question regards our youngest daughter. When we adopted her, her birthmother (who is European-American) said that the birthfather was African-American and described him physically to us (she denied knowing who the birthfather was to the adoption agency (only telling them that he was African-American). Later, we discovered that because of some emotional issues, our daughter's birthmother had lied to us about some very significant things.
Now we don't know whether to believe her story that our daughter is African-American and European-American or not. Why? Because our daughter has absolutely no African-American characteristics. Her skin color is very light (there is no darkening anywhere on her body, not even her elbows, knees, belly button), her hair is brown and fairly straight, and she has no African-American facial features. In essence,she looks completely European-American. Our dilemma is what if her birthmother is telling the truth? We would want our daughter to appreciate and celebrate ALL of her heritage. On the other hand, if we raise her with the knowledge that she is part African-American and she is not, what does that do to her sense of identity? Especially when society will view her as "white" and we are telling her she is African-American and European-American. Our only option seems to be to tell her that we honestly don't know ? which just doesn't seem good enough. Any thoughts?
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My husband and I will be adopting from Haiti. We plan to incorporate his/her Haitian, French and African culture into her life and educate him on all aspects of his heritage. Because we are white, my family live in another country (they are mixed racially) and my husband's family are white, how do we become involved with the Black community? I have neighbors that are African American, and we say the usual neighborly "Hi," but nothing else. Any advice, guidance, recommendations will be greatly appreciated.
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We are a Caucasian family, we have an 18 year old daughter (my stepdaughter), two biological sons ages 16 and 12. We adopted our daughter at birth who is now three years old. Our daughter is of African-American heritage. We feel that the time is coming soon that she will begin to notice her physical differences and feel that this is also an appropriate age to begin to introduce her to the knowledge she joined our family through adoption.
Although we have bought all the "right" children's books, read all the articles, etc. , we would like to hear from someone who has actually been in our daughter's shoes. What do we do or say to make her feel proud of both being adopted and of a multicultural heritage beginning at such a young age?
Also, in public settings such as restaurants we are stared at very often. At this age our daughter hasn't noticed. What is an appropriate thing to say that is respectful but reinforces our right to be a family in a public place without people "speculating," for lack of a better word? Your insight would be greatly appreciated.
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I would like to know whether for an African-American child growing up in a white family--even if surrounded by other African American people--race would become THE issue, THE main source of identity. Do you think this is frequent?...
I am Eastern-European, married to a white American. We have foster children of all races, and are open to adopt the one that might need us. Since we have one African-American child right now, I would like to know more about how to help him find his identity within, and also beyond, race.
As an immigrant, I have experienced a certain amount of prejudice in America, and often have been told about my country of origin, rather than asked. I have a background in cross-cultural studies and a cross-cultural marriage. I know how important race, culture, nationality are for one's identity. At the same time, I have learned that there are deeper sources of identity (relationship with God/universe, belonging to humankind) that have to support the other elements.
When I came to this country, due to the fact that my country was viewed in a stereotyped way, I tended to over assert my nationality, make it the main source of my identity. I wonder if this could also happen to a black child growing up in a white family, that he would make his race the main and only source of identity. And if yes, how could I help him gain perspective? (I was an adult by the time I had to face this, and regained my healthy sense of identity by focusing on my faith, on my career and keeping my nationality in its hopefully right place--a very important one!).
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My husband and I are parents to a wonderful 13 year old young man who we adopted at birth. He is multi racial; 1/4 black, 1/4 Hispanic and 1/2 Caucasian. He is extremely smart . We also have a 10 year old daughter who is a blond haired blue eyed doll.
For the last couple of years our son has seemed so angry toward everyone, but particularly towards us. I know a lot of it is adolescence, but I also know that he is struggling with issues that I cannot possibly fully understand. We encourage him to express his feelings to us and create an environment where it is safe to say anything (with respect) to us.
Over the weekend he said he felt "abandoned" by his birth mother and struggles with rejection. I was so relieved that he finally was able to identify his emotions and that he felt comfortable to express them to both his dad and me. My question is where do we go from here? He says he knows intellectually that he was placed with us out of a deep love by his birth mother and a desire to give him a quality of life that she couldn't and that we loved him, but in his heart he feels rejected.
I have read many articles to know that this is a process that most adoptees go through....a grieving of sorts. Our situation is further complicated by the fact that he is bi-racial in a predominantly white community and that he has an "all American" looking sister. He has had trouble making and keeping friends his whole life and I know he feels isolated. What can we do for him?
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My husband and I are considering adopting an African American infant. We are both of Eastern European ethnicity; I am Jewish and he is Jewish (on his father's side) and Polish Catholic (on his mother's). My last name is clearly Jewish and unique to my family, and his is not (his paternal grandfather made it up--it could be an Americanization of a Russian, Greek, Italian, or Polish name--it's quite generic.)
We had agreed long ago to give our children my last name, for a variety of reasons, but now I wonder. With my name, our child would pretty much have to explain himself to everyone he meets, whereas with my husband's, people might get to know him for himself (as much as this is possible in our culture, of course) before he necessarily has to get into an explanation of the fact that he is adopted, his parents are white and one is Jewish, etc. (I say "him" because there is a male infant on the horizon!)
While we are very aware of the issues of racial and ethnic identity involved in transracial adoption, I just wonder how much you think the name matters. I read a case study once about an African American boy who was adopted by an Irish American woman and who had a hard time with her last name. He was much relieved when his mother married and changed her name, and his, to something less ethnically identifiable.
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I am an adoptive parent of 8 school age kids who are racially diverse and have special needs. For years we have been considering a major move back to the east coast and now seems to be the right time. However, we must do mounds of homework so this is the right move for our family. We are considering an area in a rural region of upstate New York . The school is small and can serve special needs. It is not racially diverse but accepting, I'm told We are looking for feedback or just opinions as to whether this would be good for our family.
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We are a European American family with three biological children. We are relocating to Ghana in August. (My husband works for a relief and development agency.)
This is not the first time we have lived in Africa. We were there for almost 11 years the first time and now miss it so much we are moving back. We also want our three children to experience a very different cultural experience that they can never gain living in the States.
We would like to expand our family, and adoption has always been a possibility for us. What would it be like for a child of African descent to be the only non-white in our family of very fair-skinned, blond children? Would it be necessary to adopt more than one child? I did read that you, Michelle, thought your brother was the best gift your parents ever gave you. My only problem is that I don't know if I can have 5 kids and still be sane!
In your family of 5 kids, which is very similar to what our family would become, was there ever conflict between the two non-white, non-biological children and the other three white, biological children? Or do you become a family based on love across color lines? Is that an unrealistic ideal, or did it work in your case?
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My wife and I adopted a wonderful baby boy 16 months ago, and are in the process of trying to adopt a second child. Our current son has a very multicultural background (Polynesian, East Indian, Afghan) and in appearance he looks primarily East Indian. We have had custody of him since birth.
We are struggling with a decision on the ethnicity of our next child. My wife and I are Caucasian. We live in a small city (90,000 pop.) that is probably 70% Caucasian with large communities of East Indians, Japanese, Chinese and Native Indians. We are encouraged by the fact there is even greater diversity in the schools.
We have always assumed our next child should have fairly similar features to our son, to provide a connection and shared experiences. This assumption is based on a vague feeling that it would be best for our son (and future child) but we have no more thoughtful analysis to back it up (or refute it).
To date, we have been looking at an international adoption from South America for the next child. But, our social worker has suggested that we also consider local adoptions. In fact there is a possibility we may have an opportunity to adopt a local Caucasian baby in the next few months. The question is, what effect may this have on our son? We have a real concern that our son may be harmed in some way by being the only non-white in the family. Especially if others assume the Caucasian child is our biological child, while our current son is clearly not. At the core of this, is the fear that our son may feel he is "second best" (though this is not the only danger area). We have been told by everyone we raise this issue with, that we are good parents and will be able to deal with anything that arises.
Frankly, that's not very reassuring. We will definitely be adopting a second child, but the emotional health of our son is the most important consideration. Having said all that, we don't want to close the door on any good opportunities because of our own misconceptions of child psychology. We would very much appreciate any guidance or opinions on what/if any effect adding a Caucasian child to our family may have on our son.
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We are putting considerable thought into issues in transracial adoption as we move forward on our adoption of children from China. One of our first parental decisions will be to name the baby entrusted to our care. Unfortunately, babies in China usually have only a name given to them by the orphanage staff, or perhaps a note left by the birthmother. But, I would not imagine they ever know the baby's family name since it would lead to the arrest/fine/punishment of the birthparents. We will keep whatever name she has, from the birthmother or parent, as her middle name (which she may later choose to use as a first name).
Our question for you is about changing our family name. Our thought is to keep name we have now, and pass it to our children, like most families - symbolizing them becoming part of a larger family. But, we are also considering adding a Chinese name (one that has meaning to us), resulting in a hyphenated last/family name. Our purpose in doing this would be, in part, to symbolize our "old" and "new" families, and our commitment to incorporating our cultures.
We know there are many opinions about naming, even without cross-cultural considerations. Although we have been married for some time, I did not take my husband's name until we became serious about international transracial adoption. We could have given our children one or the other of our last names, but I went through with the change because of my need to have a symbol of one family. But, lately we've been wondering if that is enough. Maybe our children would like a family name that reflects their dual cultural heritage. Maybe we, as parents, need to take this first step embracing their ethnic heritage within our family.
There is obviously no way of knowing what would be best for our children. The best we can do is turn to you for your opinions based on your own experiences.
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My husband and I are white and we have two biological children. We became foster parents and are now pre-adoptive to our daughter, who is one year old and also African-American. She also has four older half-siblings who are in pre-adoptive situations. The birth mom is mildly retarded are we are friendly with her - we see each other every two weeks, but when parental rights are terminated, this will no longer be required. I wonder how much contact we should have with our daughter's birth family? I want her to feel secure with us, but I am comfortable with her having contact with her birth family, as long as it is positive and this is a tough part because there are many problems in this family.
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I am white, single and adopting three of my foster kids, one of whom is black. The other two are white half-brothers. I have many questions:
First-I read in a book about transracial adoption that I will have to prepare my son for discrimination and teach him how to respond. He is two years old now, but I would like to know what to tell him and his brothers about racism, discrimination, and how to respond.
Second-I have some books with black kids in them, but I wonder what recommendations you have for other books, toys, etc. that I should give the boys (I want all three of them to read the books and play with the toys)
Third-I read another parent's question where it was recommended that parents adopt a second black child. I'm not sure I can do this just yet, but I have been thinking about it.
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We live in a quiet middle class neighborhood that has people of all types of races. My husband and I are from different ethnic backgrounds. Our home has a mixed White and Japanese ethnicity, Christian and Buddhist culture, meat and vegetarian eating habits. We do not have children of our own and would like to adopt a child. We are willing to make some changes in our lifestyle if that will benefit the child. What religion and eating habits the child wants to follow is his/her own choice. One agent suggested that we either adopt a local Caucasian infant or an infant from Japan. But reading adoption statistics I find that there are a lot of school aged black boys who form the majority of kids waiting to be adopted and it is very difficult to find couples who want to adopt them. From the list given to us, we like some kids between ages seven and twelve. I think that whether the boy will like the new lifestyle depends on the individual personality of the boy. Is it a good idea in our case to adopt a black boy of this age group? My question is not about whether the boy will find any problems with the new ethnic, cultural, dietary lifestyle but whether it is the right thing to do, to expose the child to a diverse world just because he is put up for adoption. As adults, it was our choice to marry transculturally. But a young boy is not choosing this change but accepting this because he is in foster care and needs someone to adopt him.
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My husband and I are the parents of a 2 1/2 year old toddler, who in my opinion is a gift from God. We are European American (EA) and he is African American. We adopted Evan in a private adoption and are very open with his birth mother. We talk on the phone at least monthly and we visit her and sometimes her mother every two or three months. We have a large extended family all EA and my best friend Teresa is EA. Evan attends family day-care where all the children and caregivers are African American. But that is really the only place that he interacts with anyone who is African-American. I have some close friends who are African American.
We have chosen to stay in our current neighborhood for two reasons, both of almost equal weight: (1) it has some of the best schools in our area, (2) it is highly integrated. There are may cross cultural marriages in this area. There are also a lot of Korean and Vietnamese here as well and a good sized Hispanic population. We have found a church which is very integrated and have started attending it. I have tried to make sure his books and toys reflect at least as many people of choice, (our Realtor, Evan's pediatrician, my beautician, etc.) I chose his day-care partly because it was all African American. I have even learned to cook greens and sweet potato pie. But I have been criticized for choosing those dishes because it's so stereotypical and really more of a southern thing than a "black" thing.
The first and only cultural practice I have actually run into is a belief that it would be damaging in some way to cut his hair before he turned one. I felt that this was superstition, but I spoke with at least three dozen women and every one of them told me do not cut his hair till after his first birthday. Since it did seem to be a cultural issue I didn't cut it till then. He was born with more than two inches of hair--talk about afro city by the time he was one year old!
My question is : How do I expose Evan to the African American culture when I can not figure out how it differs from my own culture. I have presented this question to a number of African American friends who all belittled my concerns, telling me as long as I love him and bring him up right he'll be fine. My friends homes look and feel essential the same as mine. Some are cleaner, messier; some are larger, smaller; some are richer, poorer; but they all have basically the same living arrangements and family relationships as I do in my home. Some have African art, some don't; some have French provincial furnishings, some have Scandinavian. They celebrate the same holidays my family does and in the same way (allowing of course for individual and family traditions). Some listen to gospel music exclusively and one won't tolerate anything but country music. I have had African American people tell me that I shouldn't even worry about what color dolls to get him; it doesn't make any difference (they say). I asked around to see in what ways my friends celebrate Kwanzaa and have yet to find someone who actually does. Our city host a huge Black Expo every year, and I asked an African American friend to go with us last year. She laughed at me and said, "I don't even go to that and I'm black!"
So what other kinds of things should I be doing in addition to the few things I feel I am doing. Am I just looking at this from the wrong point of view that I can't see these cultural differences? Or am I trying too hard to find something that isn't there? I truly don't want Evan to grow up ignorant of ideas and background he should have, but I don't know how to teach him. Thank you for any advice you can give.
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What are some of the reasons why blacks should not be adopted into white families, or are there any reasons?
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My husband and I are European American, our first adopted daughter is Russian American and our second is Mexican American. We have hopes of adopting an African American child.
Our neighborhood includes families of African, Asian and European descent, as does our older daughter's school. We plan to send all of our children to that school. We attend a church that is primarily European American but has several older members in prominent positions and a few young interracial married couples. Our social group is primarily composed of adoptive families the majority of whom are transracial and/or transcultural. The only problem is that all the parents in our social group are European American.
Do you think that will be an significant issue if all of Mommy and Daddy's friends are white? We open this question up to anyone who wants to reply. Thank you.
It has recently been brought to my attention that the term "biracial" carries some stinging connotations and overtones within the African American community; specifically, that white parents are perceived as trying to claim superior status for their black/white children based on their white heritage. I had never realized before that the term was perceived to be exploitative and yet another example of White Privilege. I have used "biracial" when referring to my three children in the same context that was handed to me by our social workers: children born of one black and one white parent, clearly differentiating them from African American children (born of two black parents.)
Anyone have any comments? How should one refer to mixed race children so that the language does not cause resentment and hurt - either within the AA community or for the children themselves?
We are a Caucasian couple with one biological daughter who is 10 years old and one adopted African American daughter who is 9 months. Our question is this: should we adopt again so that our daughter won't be the only African American in our family?
Our mixed race 5 yr. old daughter was recently told by a friend that we are her pretend parents and that her real parents probably miss her. Our daughters response was mostly a stunned silence followed by nervous laughter. We tried to talk to her about this but she really was not interested, so we did not force it. She has always known that she is adopted. We are a white couple and also have a 3 yr. old son who is African-American. How should we best respond to the situation and what should we suggest our daughter say to others who may ask about her "real parents"?
My four year old adopted daughter is biracial. My partner and I are Caucasian. We just adopted another baby who is African American. We recently watched a Disney special on TV about Ruby Bridges (the first black girl who broke the segregation in schools in New Orleans). My 4 yr. old doesn't identify African American, she identifies Caucasian. What she got from the show is that African Americans hate Caucasians, and Caucasians hate African Americans. I thought that watching the show would be good for her in seeing a positive African American role model, but I feel that it left a very negative impression on her. Does anyone have any ideas on a good way to introduce positive models to a four year old who is both African American and Caucasian?
The other day my 6-year-old African American daughter, Tasha, floored me and I wonder if you have any ideas on how to handle this. Tasha was with Eileen, my 5 year old bio daughter (European American), at an after school activity. One of the other children asked how they could be sisters. They both chimed in that Tasha was adopted but that they were sisters because they love each other. The follow-up question was "What happened to your real mom and dad?" Tasha calmly looked up and said, "My black mommy and daddy are dead."
That pretty much ended the conversation, but it's not true that her "black mommy and daddy are dead"! I think this is her way of trying to feel more permanent in our family. (She had 5 foster homes before coming to us in December.) I'm not comfortable with lying to her, but I don't want to make her uncomfortable since she's been adjusting so well. Any ideas?
How would you raise a biracial child? My nephew is black/white. He lives with his father who is white but he is married into our Mexican/Native American family. What do you think regarding his awareness to the obvious color difference? Children at school are pointing it out to him now so I am concerned.
Is it possible to overemphasize our children's cultural heritage? Obviously, it is important to help our children develop strong identities. This includes their race/culture, but that is not the totality of who they are. Or am I just being naive here?
My husband and I have decided to adopt from Ethiopia and have been nothing but ecstatic and happy about our decision until people started making comments.
We live in Hong Kong, I am Caucasian, my husband is Hispanic. I expected that some people might find our decision a *little* shocking but have been surprised and disheartened by the people who have expressed a view to the effect that we would be doing the child a "disservice," especially as regards bringing them to Hong Kong. Friends have expressed the view that we would be subjecting our child to unnecessary racial discrimination.
I must admit that Hong Kong is not the most liberal of places as regards racial differences, but I am now concerned. Are we doing the right thing? It is very likely that our child would be the only African in his/her class and it might be difficult to find a community of African or even African Americans here in Hong Kong. Any comments on this subject would be MOST WELCOME!
As an adoptive mom, when I see adults with children, I wonder who may be an adoptive parent. As adoptees, do you think you *know* who might be adopted? Do you wonder about it whenever you are in a group, or meet a new person? Do you gravitate toward that person, and feel more open to establishing a rapport with them?
Regarding the issue of calling brown kids "black," I don't know anything about the history of the term, but my black kids find it confusing, especially when they know Indian children with *darker* skin than my girls who are "brown" but not "black".
We told them that "black" is another word used for "African-American", so only kids whose ancestors (now there's an abstract concept for a preschooler) came from Africa are called "black". While they all know that they're "black", they identify much more with the term African-American. And they also know that "white" people are beige, not white. But whenever this issue comes up for discussion, they mention our Senegalese friend who really is "black" and their school friend who is albino, and really is "white".
What's the best way to help children understand the difference between what they see and what they're named?
My daughter, Cynthia, is 5 and was born in Peru. She has very beautiful cinnamon-colored skin. Recently Cynthia has been talking a lot about her skin color. The other day we were watching "Arthur" on TV, and I commented that Arthur and his family all have cinnamon skin like hers. She seemed happy about that (Arthur is very popular at her school.), then she said, "They must all be adopted." I was taken aback.
I think Cynthia must have this image that darker skinned people are the only ones who can be adopted. We belong to an adoption support group for parents of South American kids. From her eyes it must seem like all the adopted kids are dark-skinned, and all the adults are light-skinned. This has made me resolve to find more role models and adults in our lives who are not white! I even have this fantasy of moving to Peru for a few years so Cynthia can see that there are places in the world where most people look like her. I guess I'm feeling a little guilty about putting my daughter in a world where she is bound to feel like the exception. Do you have any suggestions?
What are your opinions on ethnic characterizations such as kitchen mammies, lawn jockeys, and even Disney's Song of the South (which, incidentally, seems to have been erased from the archives!)? As the mother of an African-American son, I feel they are demeaning and worthless. What do you think--are they rubbish or Americana?
My husband and I, both white, are interested in adopting a biracial baby. We got a letter from the agency placing the child requesting a statement from us and a statement from the social worker who did our homestudy as to whether we would be suited for a biracial baby and also would our community be suited to a biracial baby.
Here is the situation. We live in a small town that is 99.5% Caucasian. Our social worker is African American. We discussed this with her and she felt that there are all ranges of biracial. How would anybody know the difference? Well, I don't want the child to feel like we have to "hide" their heritage. But at the same time, I don't want to set the child up for any problems. We would appreciate some help with this situation as we want to do the right thing by this baby.
Does anyone feel like I do that society thinks that my African American baby will love me when he's a child, but when he's a grown up that he'd prefer to be with people who look like him? I think about this all the time and it makes me sad.
My husband and I are the blessed parents of two black children, now toddlers. My questions for you both are: Looking back on your childhood years, what do you wish your parents had done differently in raising you - if anything? And, what period of your growing up times was the most difficult for you, and why? How did you and your parents deal with these difficult periods? And, what kind of relationship do you both have with your parents now? What are your fondest childhood memories?
NYS Citizens' Coalition for Children, Inc.
410 East Upland Road • Ithaca, NY 14850
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office@nysccc.org
02/28/2008