Reprinted with permission from Adoptive Families magazine (formerly OURS), January/February 1992, a publication of Adoptive Families of America. For more information, visit the AFA website at www.adoptivefamilies.com
Part Two: Older Children and Teenagers | Part Three: Racial Identity and Racism
Tips for Helping Children Deal with Racism | Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Adopt Transracially
Back to NYS CCC Home Page | Back to Transracial Resource Page
Part One: Young Children
I remember well the day I got a hint of what lay ahead. Having just returned from Peru with my newly adopted son, I was euphoric about motherhood and our big adventure of having survived three months in Lima and the tortuous legal process. A professional women's group was having a Saturday morning meeting, and I decided to take 5-month-old Miguel along to show him off. As we were waiting for business to begin, a young woman several seats over began asking me questions about my son's adoption. As each question became more probing and more personal, I began to feel uncomfortable. But not knowing where this cross-examination was headed, or how to derail it, I stumbled gamely along. Finally, my interrogator launched her final volley, apparently what she'd been leading up to. "Well," she demanded, "is he Indian?" Her voice was accusatory, the tone digging deep and hitting a vital nerve. Obviously, to this woman being Indian meant that my son was of a lower social order. And she wanted to make sure that I, and the other members, knew it. In her eyes, my child was not socially acceptable, and because I was his mother, neither was I.Bam. Racism, right between the eyes.
Fast forward to an encounter a short time later, a visit to the home of a friend who had also adopted from Latin America. Her child looked very "American" because his parentage was part-European. My friend mentioned that some of her friends had expressed their belief that the child would probably "fit in" better at the private school he might attend one day because he looked "white." This was coming from my friend, my compadre in attending pre-adoption workshops, my companera throughout the stress of international adoption. "You, too?" I thought. I felt like I was being abandoned and betrayed, along with my child. The full weight of the racism and classism that might lay ahead for me and my beautiful little brown Miguel came crashing down.
(Later on, I was to learn that I had misread my friend's remarks. This illustrates how we can sometimes misinterpret a situation when we are feeling vulnerable to criticism.)
This summer, any final doubts I had about the power of racism and its potential for maiming the human spirit were stripped away. At a writers' conference, a noted African-American children's author spoke movingly about the need for literature that speaks to the experiences of Black children. As Mildred Pitts Walter read from her book, Ty's One-Man Band, I was mesmerized by the hypnotic chant of her voice and the imagery she evoked of a black child's love for the magic and rhythm of a one-man band. As I stood outside the meeting room afterwards, tears started flowing that came from deep inside. I felt the pain of Black children, whose culture is so often denied and the beauty of whose heritage is so rarely acknowledged or honored. I felt the pain of rejection they must feel so often. And I was crying for my son, also a child of color. He is not Black, but our society does not do much better by brown people. Was he going to have to endure this type of dishonor all his life? Could I help him? If so, how? I was also crying for myself. How was I going to find enough strength to maintain my own self-esteem, not an easy task under normal circumstances, and made harder still by rejection I might sense from others adopting a child of color? And how was I going to find strength left over to help my little boy? I don't know whether I can do this, I thought. Maybe I should just stick my head in the sand and pretend none of this is happening. Denial is a choice for dealing with painful reality. But I knew too much already. Racism is out there, and it can getcha' if you don't watch out. And I was determined it was not going to get me or my kid.Love, by itself, would not be enough. I knew I needed a crash course in how to raise an adopted child of color--how to meet his self-esteem needs and my own. And I knew I needed to learn more about racism--what it is, how to recognize it, and what to do about it--so I could cope with it and teach my child how to cope. And finally, I knew I needed to learn how to help my child identify proudly with the racial and cultural heritage of his birth, and also function well in his adopted culture.
Self-image is how we imagine ourselves to be, and self-esteem is how we feel about that image, say Drs. Darlene Powell Hopson and Derek S. Hopson. The Hopsons are an African-American husband and wife team, both clinical psychologists, who have written a book that is a treasure for parents raising children of color, or for that matter any parent: Different and Wonderful: Raising Black Children in a Race-Conscious Society.The Hopsons and others working in the field of human development believe that self-esteem can be taught. It is not something magic that you either have or you don't. Furthermore, even though self-esteem is one of those warm and fuzzy concepts, not something more concrete like nutritious eating, helping our children acquire it is critical for their development. With high self-esteem, children have the courage to take risks in learning about the world, to develop their skills and abilities, and to make friends with peers and adults. They can stay tuned to their inner, unique selves and can set a path that is right for themselves. With low self-esteem, children are much more fearful in taking the risks necessary to learn new skills and form new relationships, and are much more vulnerable to manipulation by authoritarian figures and peer pressure. They may find it harder to stay tuned to their inner selves, and may stray from a path that is right for themselves.
Self-Esteem Seminars is a Los Angeles-based consulting group that trains educators in how to nurture self-esteem in themselves and in their students. The program shows teachers how to create for children, and help children to create for themselves, the following five building blocks of self-esteem:
- a safe environment, physically and psychologically
- identity, knowing "who I am"
- belonging, knowing "who I am a part of"
- competence, gaining skill in tasks
- purpose, having goals for using skills that contribute to individual and group needs
With very young children, infancy through preschool, we, as parents, can think about how we might work with these concepts to help our children build self-esteem on several levels--developmental, adoption, racial and cultural. Transracially adopted children of color will have many more issues to resolve about who they are than children growing up in their biological families. Our children must learn not only basic developmental tasks, but also the following:
- what it means to be adopted
- what it means to be a member of a minority
- what it means to be a minority growing up with parents of the "majority" race and culture
- and, finally, what it means to integrate pieces of the biological heritage--the birth family and its culture--with the culture of the adoptive family.
Let's look at the basic developmental issues and see how we can provide the opportunity for our young children to build the five components of self-esteem.Safety. We know we need to provide our children with physical space that is safe and encourages exploration. But we also must create space that is safe psychologically. We must shield our children from anyone who might harm them with ridicule, and we must support their learning with praise. "Good job," said with much enthusiasm and vigor, and "good choice" are two one-liners that parents can use to praise children, says child therapist Claudia Jewett Jarratt.
Identity and belonging. Little children must learn many basic aspects of their identity--their name, gender, and race. They are also learning that these characteristics entitle them to belong to certain groups--a particular family, sex, and racial/cultural group. They are also learning what is expected of members of these groups, and how these groups are evaluated by others. For example, children are learning what behaviors are "expected" of boys or girls. Parents can help children feel free to explore the full range of their physical and emotional capabilities, and not restrict them to rigid sexual roles. Parents can provide encouragement for little girls to engage in vigorous physical activity and little boys to express warmth and affection in playing with cuddly dolls. We are therefore helping our children feel good about expressing all of who they are, and not making them feel bad if they step out of the rigid expectations our culture projects for male or female behavior.
Competence and purpose. Young children are also learning competence in basic physical skills--feeding, toileting, bathing--and social skills with peers and adults. And they are learning how to use these skills for a purpose: to be functioning members of their social groups--their families and play groups. We can encourage our children's growing competence and contributions to the group by finding little jobs they can do. Even at 16 months, Miguel has staked out a job for himself: He likes to help Daddy and Mommy unload the dishwasher. He solemnly hands up the dishes, one by one, to the waiting adult hand. "Good job, Miguel, good job," we say.
Individual talents. Even at a very young age, children also begin to exhibit a predilection for their own special talents and ways of relating to their environment. We can be on the lookout for these individual gifts and encourage them. They may be a clue for guiding them to fulfilling school and job options many years later. As adoptive parents we may have only sketchy information about the educational, professional, and vocational interests of the birth families of our children. So we need to be very observant for clues as to our children's strengths and abilities. For example, Miguel is exhibiting a talent for very fine manual dexterity, and makes a beeline for anything mechanical. He loves to turn any knob, push any button, jiggle any lever. Perhaps Miguel will grow up to be an engineer some day, perhaps not. But we are already thinking about how he might use this ability.
Parental self-esteem. As we build our children's self-esteem and find joy in their accomplishments, we are building our own self-esteem as parents. We develop confidence that we know what to do to nurture our children and are accomplishing results, and we can feel good about ourselves as parents.
Children of color growing up with parents who look different from them will notice this difference early on and remark on it. Law professor Elizabeth Bartholet remembers her 3-year-old son from Peru saying sadly, "I wish you looked like me...I wish we were the same color."All children need to feel that they are like their parents, who are their primary role models. As parents of adopted children, we need to identify for our children ways that they are like us, while not denying differences or the way being different from us makes our children feel. Habits, tastes in food, talents, likes and dislikes can all be traits our children share with us; remarking that "you laugh just like your dad" or "you and I both love books, don't we?" can help children feel a part of us. By the age of 3, children notice differences in skin tone and wonder what they mean. At that point we must have some answers about adoption for our children that make sense to them. We must also teach our children how to deal with the questions they will hear from their playmates. Their peers will, of course, notice obvious physical differences and want an explanation. "Is that your mommy? She doesn't look like your mommy." These kinds of questions can tear at the child's sense of belonging and attachment to the family.
As parents who have adopted transracially, adoption will be in our faces, and in the faces of our children, from the get-go, whether we, or they, like it or not. We have two choices: We can ignore the importance of teaching our children how to deal with adoption and racial issues, and put them at risk of not understanding this vital part of their being. Or we can decide to deal with these issues proactively and empower our children with coping strategies that build their self-esteem.
Let's look at how we might use the building blocks of self-esteem in helping our young children understand what adoption is, how it relates to them, and how to feel good about it.
Psychological safety. One of the best ways to open communication about a subject with young children is through an indirect medium, such as a book. One of my favorite adoption books is I Am Adopted, by Susan Lapsley. Sitting on my lap right before bedtime, Miguel can drink his bottle while we rock together and are swept along with the beautiful story. In this safe setting, we can talk about our feelings.
Identification. Illustrated with soft watercolors, the Lapsley story opens with a little boy sitting with his pajamas in bed. "My name is Charles," he says calmly. "I am adopted." Right away, the listeners can identify with a child like themselves and hear him talking matter-of-factly about something called "adoption." Adoption is not scary or strange or something to be embarrassed about. Charles says it's okay.
Competence. Next we see little Charles playing with his tractor and his friend, and going through his normal day. Then he asks, "Do you know what adopted means? I do." Here Charles signals to his listeners that he is a competent little boy who understands what this big word means, and he's going to share it with them.
Purpose. Charles then explains the basic process and purpose of adoption, and how he relates to that abstraction: "It means we were given to Mummy and Daddy when we were little. And they brought us home to make us a family."
Belonging. As the story continues we see Charles and his sister Sophie feeding their bunny, painting, cooking, and helping Daddy and Mummy. Frames show warm family life--tea time and bedtime--sending an underlying feeling of belonging. Then to underscore the message, Charles snuggles into bed with his teddy bear and puts the feeling into words: "Adoption means belonging." Then Charles feels so happy and good about adoption, he goes quietly off to sleep.
Using books and tapes. Reading adoption books with our children can be a door-opener for discussing personal adoption stories. What we are doing is laying the groundwork for helping our children understand that adoption is a normal, natural experience that can be talked about and must not be buried. We're saying, "Adoption is okay, and you're okay, too."
Lois Ruskai Melina's book Making Sense of Adoption includes an annotated bibliography of children's books to use in talking about adoption. This book, and also her Raising Adopted Children, offer practical guidance in helping parents discuss the particular details of their own child's adoption story with them, and other adoption issues that may arise at different ages.
Songs on cassette tapes are another tool for opening the door to talk about adoption in a positive and lighthearted way. One tape is "My Forever Family," with catchy songs produced by Lisa Silver and Wendy Spira. Silver, who wrote the songs, is a country-western musician waiting in the wings to become an adoptive mother.
Empowering our children. Even as little tots, our children will have to answer questions from peers to explain their identity in ways that children in biological families, or children adopted interracially, will probably not face. We must prepare them for this task.
The Hopsons discuss three behaviors we can emphasize in working with our children: communication, modeling, and reinforcement. With communication we become aware of what our children are feeling, with modeling we show some ways to behave appropriately, and with reinforcement we encourage their efforts to be competent. To open communication with our children, we can start by being observant and aware as they interact in their play groups and nursery schools. If a child comes home crying, we can call or visit the teacher to find out what happened. We can also be aware of body language. If the child seems dejected, we can say, "What happened at school today? Can you tell me about it?" We can ask how he felt, and perhaps offer appropriate vocabulary, such as "glad," or "mad," or "sad." We can venture some guesses: "I bet that hurt your feelings."
We need to help our children learn to recognize and identify their feelings. It is important to validate your child's feelings even if you don't approve of how they are feeling or don't think you would feel the same way. It's not helpful to your child for you to say the things many of us first think of saying such as: "Don't be mad; I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt your feelings," or "It doesn't matter what other people think." This only teaches our children to repress their feelings. For healthy self-esteem, children must be able to express their feelings, whatever they are.
Modeling appropriate responses comes next. We can role-play some "smart remarks." For example, a child might hear, "Is that your real mommy? She doesn't look like your real mommy."
Then we can figure out--with the child--some short easy words that the child could use the next time the situation arises. For example, "She is too my real mommy. We are a family." Or, "She is my real mother. Not everybody in a family has to look alike, you know." When a little child understands the concept of adoption, he could say, "I am adopted." An older child might offer further explanation: "I look like my birth mother." If the playmate asks what a "birthmother" is, something like "my other mother who had me" may work.
When we hear that our child has handled a social situation well, we can reinforce his efforts with, "Good job, good choice of words!"
Perhaps one of the key things we will have to recognize as white parents who have adopted children of color is that they will have to face prejudice and racism that we most likely have never experienced, and may not even believe exists. And we, as a family, have forever changed our own classification. We are no longer a white family, or even a white family with a child of color. We have become a family of color."When you adopt a child of color, you become a family of color. You have changed your gene pool forever," therapist Sharon Kaplan, Executive Director of Parenting Resources in Tustin, CA, tells prospective parents in her classes on transracial adoption.
So, as adoptive parents of children of color, we ourselves are at risk to experience racism and we must prepare ourselves and our children to deal with these realities. Perhaps even more important, we must learn how to help our child develop a positive racial identity in a society that devalues people of color.
Development of racism. The move from an understanding of racial identity to racism can be very fast. Racism is an attitude that places higher value on people of certain races, and lower value on others.
Children as young as four can understand racial stereotyping and the political consequences. White children, for example, may learn a false sense of "white superiority" and downgrade anyone who looks different from what they perceive to be the white norm.
Medoree Feldman, an adopted adult from Korea married to a Caucasian, remembers her little boy coming home crying from kindergarten. "Some little boy told him he looked Black and didn't want to play with him." The racial slurs and actions do not stop with children. One mother from Japan reported the following incident in her daughter's preschool. To quiet some Asian children and aide said, "Now all you be quiet," and she pulled the corners of her eyes up with her forefingers in a mocking gesture.
As parents of children of color we have to do battle on two fronts: building positive racial identity in our children and combatting racism that may attack that identity. We can do this in our homes and by becoming advocates for cultural diversity and pride in our schools and communities.
Celebrate diversity. As we introduce our children to the world, we can encourage them to experience many different kinds of people, and what they each may contribute.
A first step is frequenting playgrounds where families of different backgrounds go. One park near us draws families of all kinds--White, Hispanic, Asian-American, African-American, and recent immigrants from India, Latin America, and Eastern Europe. Miguel is learning that the world is not all "lily white," and we can all play together in the sandbox. Miguel also sees me chatting with the other parents. We must model our enjoyment of people of many backgrounds. Our actions speak louder than our words.
If families live in areas where there are few minorities or residents from other countries, then the stretch to create a multicultural environment will be greater. Indirect methods will have to do on an everyday basis. Bring into your children's awareness anything positive featuring cultural diversity: books, magazines, television programming such as "Sesame Street" and "Mr. Roger's Neighborhood." Then on holidays or vacations, plan to drive to a college town or larger urban area for special events or dinner in an ethnic restaurant. Have a foreign student to dinner for Thanksgiving, or an exchange student to spend the summer.
Build racial and cultural identity. We need to help our children begin to answer the question: "Who am I?"
With young children, we can find small ways that help them understand where they come from and to and feel proud about it. For example, on Miguel's bedroom window there is a map of Peru, with a small Peruvian flag. Sometimes I hold him up and point out the country where he was born, and the town where his birthmother is from. He does not understand this yet, but he is getting used to hearing the word "Peru." When he gets a little older, we will take out some children's books about Peru bought especially for him. In them he can see many people who look like him, and who are going about their daily life doing interesting things. We have also met a young Peruvian couple with a little son who have been here a year. Mestizo (Spanish/Indian) in appearance, just like Miguel, they have been a link with Peru. We hope they will become a part of our extended family.
These ideas can be a springboard for parents of children from other backgrounds. Parents of African-American children can refer to the Hopson's book for many more excellent ideas in building pride in identity as Black children.
Belonging. African-American children's author Mildred Pitts Walter says in Black culture children are taught to understand not only "Who am I?" but also "Who are my people?" Black children and other children of color need this support to combat future hostility they may experience. Children of color need to know other children and adults who look like themselves and begin to experience the strengths and richness of black heritage. Adoptive families can seek out activities and organizations in the ethnic communities where the whole family can feel comfortable and participate.
We must make this effort to put our children in contact with those who are of a similar background. Otherwise, they will be psychologically vulnerable for not understanding--and being proud of--a vital part of who they are, says social work professor Ruth McRoy, whose research specialty is transracial adoptions. Instead of feeling "different and wonderful," they may feel "different and awful."
Competence and purpose. As children master a positive understanding of their racial and cultural identity, they will develop a sense of social competence. With this competence, they will feel confident in who they are and how they can participate in different groups.
There is another darker purpose for building this social competence: We need to give them the skills to protect themselves against racism, even as toddlers. We can hold them up to the mirror, smile, and say, "You are beautiful. Be-you-tee-ful dark eyes and hair. Be-you-tee-ful skin." We can hold them close and say, "You are perfect just the way you are," just like Mr. Rogers does on T.V. Then if another child says, "I can't play with you because you're Black," our child will have a response ready: "My skin is beautiful," or "I'm perfect just the way I am." A somewhat older child primed to deal with just such a situation might respond, "That's not a reason not to play with me. Look, ya' gonna' play or not!"
With preparation, children will be ready to handle discriminatory comments. They may be hurt and angry, but hopefully they will not be emotionally devastated or permanently wounded.
Become an advocate. Look for a preschool where your children will find other playmates of color. Then become active in the parent group and work to bring in dolls, books, resource people, and cultural activities that celebrate cultural diversity in general, and your child's own heritage in particular. Introduce the teacher to anti-bias curriculum materials. Deal directly and firmly with incidents of overt or covert racism. Remember, your child's spirit is at stake.
Part Two: Older Children and Teenagers
When Medoree Feldman was growing up, she remembers her two adopted siblings directing racial slurs at her because she was Korean. When she complained to her parents, she was told, "You shouldn't be so sensitive."In high school a teacher called Feldman a "chink" in front of her classmates and told her she was going to flunk. "How can you grow up if you're afraid of ridicule, and the victim is blamed?" Feldman asks. "It hurts, and it undermines your own perception of what happened." Feldman isn't the only adopted teenager who has had this kind of experience. Many older children and teenagers who were adopted struggle with their identity.
Self-Esteem Seminars, a Los Angeles-based consulting group, works with schools and corporations on self-esteem issues. The consulting group trains participants in five areas of self-esteem: psychological safety, identity, belonging, competence, and purpose. Adoptive families of children of color can use these concepts to build self-esteem in their children during the middle childhood and teenage years.
Psychological safety. With psychological safety, we create an environment in the home, classroom, and community, in which children and teenagers feel free to be themselves. They then feel comfortable to take risks and try new things.
Nancy and Roosevelt Brown act in conscious ways to raise their children with good self-esteem. Though from varying backgrounds--Nancy is Jewish and from New York and Roosevelt is African-American, Baptist, and from Texas--they agree on the following combination: lots of praise, no put-downs, and encouraging their daughters to "dare to be great."
One daughter dreams of becoming an astronaut. Nancy says she tells her daughter: "Terrific. What a great idea. You can be anything you want, but you'll have to go to school for a long time." By responding to her daughter in this way, Nancy is accomplishing several things. First, by listening Nancy lets her daughter know that what she says is important to her. Therefore her daughter knows she is important and someone to be taken seriously. Nancy also teaches that dreams can come true, but they need a plan and hard work. Secondly, when Nancy tells her daughter she can do anything she wants, she is modeling positive, encouraging language. This modeling will register in her daughter's mind, consciously and unconsciously. Finally, Nancy sets the stage for self-reinforcement. If her daughter shares her dreams with her friend and her friend ridicules her, her daughter can reinforce with the positive words of her parent. "My mother says I can be anything I want," she can say. "I just have to study hard."
All children--but particularly those who feel different from their peers, such as adopted children of color--need to feel safe in expressing their thoughts and feelings to parents. Child therapist Claudia Jewett Jarratt says all children need to be able to say to themselves: "I have a right to be, to exist, to feel all my feelings, to think my own thoughts, to say what I think and feel, and to know I count."
Our children who are transracially and transnationally adopted will experience more feelings of confusion and uncertainty about their identity than the average child. Our children and teenagers need to feel they can come to us with their concerns without being ignored, brushed off, or laughed at. And they need to know that they will receive an honest answer, not a glib, surface reply that glosses over difficult topics. When we say, "He didn't mean that," or "You're being overly sensitive," we dismiss our child's feelings. Instead, we need to stop what we're doing and deal with the situation since it's important to our child.
Lois Melina suggests taking a five-step process when our children have experienced an unfortunate incident. First, ask your child what happened. Second, ask your child how he or she feels. Third, ask how your child responded. Then ask what your child would like you to do. Finally, ask your child how he or she plans to handle similar situations in the future.
As parents of adopted children of color, we need to learn to feel comfortable and competent in discussing many adoption and racial issues. We then need to learn how to model this for our children so they will feel comfortable talking about these subjects with us.
I remember a friend who in the sixth grade asked her mother an innocuous question about female physiology. Mortified by the question, the mother angrily brushed off her daughter. And my friend never asked her mother about sex again.
Develop an emotional environment for exchanging information and feelings in what clinical psychologists Dr. Darlene Powell Hopson and Dr. Derek S. Hopson call "free-flowing communication." Simple questions such as, "How'd things go today at school (the party, the game, etc.)?" can open the door. Leading questions may also help, such as, "Gee, you look kind of upset today. Anything happen you'd like to talk about?" After a discussion clarifies the issues, offer to help. But also recognize your children's need to solve their own problems. Ask, "Is there anything you'd like me to do, or would you like to handle it yourself?"
We first develop an image of who we are and how we feel about ourselves by what our parents tell us and how they treat us.If our parents give us clear, positive verbal messages and respect our right to say what we think and feel, then we begin to develop a detailed image of what our unique self is. We feel good about that self. If children have little information mirrored back to them, they will have difficulty forming an accurate picture of who they are. If the information and feelings children receive are negative, they will incorporate these negative images into their self-image. A teenager who experiences psychological abuse, for example, might decide: "They treat me like dirt, so I must be dirt." Depression and thoughts of suicide may follow. All children need to go out into the world armed with a positive, clear image of themselves. Children of color--who will have the additional struggle of fending off overt and covert racism--will need a strong self-esteem.
Ron Johnson, an African-American educational consultant who speaks nationally on self-esteem development, suggests to parents that they sit down each day and think about each child individually. Parents need to discover each child's unique set of talents and gifts, he says, and then spend time daily with each child telling them what these gifts are. Johnson says, "(Children) must be nurtured by the family so they can bring these gifts from the inside to the outside."
Older children and teens will need positive, specific information about themselves in order to begin answering their own questions about their identity: What is it about me that looks good? What are my talents at school, on the playground, with people, at church or synagogue, in the community? How could these strengths translate into goals for myself at school, in creative outlets, in the world of work?
Two other critical pieces of the puzzle in the self-image of adopted children of color are identity and racial issues. Building racial identity, dealing with racism and talking with children about transracial adoptions will be discussed in Part Three of this series.
Another piece of our identity is who we belong to. The first social group we belong to is our family. Our earliest emotional encounters, if positive, encourage us to form attachments to our parents.If we learn the world is a safe place, meets our physical needs and brings us pleasure, then we want to become a part of it. But, if we learn the world doesn't fulfill our needs, then we withdraw and may not want to connect. Children who are adopted, and particularly those who are adopted from another racial group or country, will frequently hear remarks from their peers or adults that will tear at their sense of connectedness to their adoptive families. They may hear comments such as, "Is that your real mother? She couldn't be your real mother, she doesn't look like you!"
Families with children of color need to spend special time together building rapport, and repairing any psychological damage with laughter and healing words. Sometimes onlookers stare and ask Nancy Brown about her brown-skinned, biological daughter: "Is that your daughter?" Her retort: "Well, it doesn't look like a son!" Or "Well, of course that's my daughter." What's important, she says, are her daughter's feelings, not those of an intrusive stranger.
Another strong attachment we form is with our peers. Interacting with our peers helps us learn more about appropriate social behavior. Parents can support their children's efforts to form friendships and gain a sense of belonging by providing an environment that encourages children to invite their friends home. As children get older and want to participate in activities in the community, parents can provide transportation. In high school belonging to a group of accepting friends and participating in group activities become increasingly important. Unfortunately, many high schools provide only limited options for group participation and recognition. If teens aren't academically oriented or a football or cheerleader type, they may feel left out in the cold.
Only about 15 percent of students in the average high school get their needs of belonging met, says Bob Harris of Self-Esteem Seminars. Harris suggests that parents help teenagers explore various ways to participate in activities with their peers--the band, chorus, art clubs, religious organizations, 4-H, scouting, computer clubs--so they can find a group in which they can feel comfortable. If an appropriate group doesn't exist, encourage your teenagers to form their own group.
AFA director Susan Freivalds remembers the day her Korean-born daughter came running home excitedly, saying of a new friend, "Mom, she's just like me!" Her daughter, short and dark-haired, was referring to a tall, blond schoolmate. "How is she like you?" Freivalds asked, puzzled. "Why, Mom, she's adopted!" Family participation in adoption support groups offers children and teens the opportunity to meet others "just like them." They can talk about their feelings with others who understand.
Children of color who are adopted by white parents will need to explore what it means not only to be a member of a white group but also to be a member of an ethnic group. Link your teenager with role models and family friends who are members of the racial and ethnic group of your teenager. Parents also need to make a shift in their own consciousness about the group with which their family belongs. the whole family is a family of color, a minority family, says Deborah Johnson, an adult adoptee and adoption professional.
How parents can change their lifestyles to assist their children of color in developing a sense of belonging with their own racial and ethnic group will appear in Part Three.
In our competitive society, participants gain a sense of their individual identity and create a place for themselves by achievement in various arenas. Those academically oriented can gain recognition by making good grades. Athletic teenagers can gain a sense of competence on the playing field. Those who like music or drama can express their gifts by becoming competent in musical or theatrical activities.Children of color may have to work harder to create a place of acceptance for themselves in their school, particularly if it is a predominantly white school. If they feel competent and confident in the contributions they have to offer, they will feel more secure in combating lack of acceptance, rejections, and putdowns they may encounter relating to their race and ethnicity.
Tyrone Sykes, who raises his two biological mixed-racial sons as a single parent, says: "When children are younger, they are under their parents' wing, and this protects them against brutal things. But when they get older, it is important for them to do well at what they do. That is how they get recognized by their peers and adults, in class and on the team." Sykes, the son of a black serviceman who met and married his Filipino mother in World War II, remembers both his mother and father as being strong individuals who were not afraid to cross barriers. He encourages these same strengths in his sons.
Some children may easily find areas in which they can become competent. Others may need more encouragement and assistance to find ways in which they can achieve. Parents may have to help their sons and daughters analyze what outlet they might enjoy, and then introduce them to the activity, along with some role models. Parents can also help their children set realistic goals, and then rejoice with them when they achieve these goals. "Good job," and "good choice," are one-liners therapist Claudia Jewett Jarratt encourages. She also suggests adding specific details, such as: "Good choice. I like the way you decided to call me when you knew you were going to be late."
And when our children fail or disappoint themselves or us, Jarratt suggests teaching these one-liners to repair self-esteem: "Hey, I'm not perfect, but parts of me are excellent!" And, "I'm doing the best I can, and I'm getting better and better every day!"
Once children and teenagers know their gifts and talents, we need to ask our kids what they'll do with those gifts."Purpose is a very important part of our self-esteem because when you feel you have a role in this life, then you feel good about yourself," says educator Ron Johnson. To help children discover their purpose, Johnson suggests teaching them to ask themselves these four questions: What do I want for myself? What do I want for my family? What do I want for my people? What do I want for the world? Johnson adds, "Children must be pressed to answer these questions because that is the only way they can construct a plan for their life."
With a plan, Johnson says, children can begin to figure out how to "actualize what they conceptualize."
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Part Three: Racial Identity and Racism
One Oregon adoptive mother took her 15-month-old daughter to the store to buy her a dress. She saw a woman across the store point to her daughter and say to her friend, "Look at the little nigger!"A mother who adopted a son from India says even toddlers recognize racial differences. "My son realized at 2 1/2 that he was brown and most of his playmates at daycare were not," she says. "At age 3, he announced in the car on the way home that one of the little girls at daycare wouldn't play with him because he was brown."
This same mother says she has also found white supremacist literature under her windshield wipers.
Some parents either aren't aware that their children might experience racism at an early age or don't want to believe it. Therefore when racism happens, often in a setting where the parent thinks the child is "safe," the effect can be devastating for both parent and child.Racism--the notion that one race is superior to another--lies at the bedrock of our culture. We'd like to think it doesn't exist, but it does.
Some people use race as a rationale for denying some citizens access to opportunities to maximize their potential, such as quality education, training, and jobs. Those without resources to compete effectively in our culture wind up at the bottom of our class structure. Racism and classism work together to keep many people of color in a hand-to-mouth struggle for survival. We're all raised in the context of the racial attitudes of our culture. Some of us will escape absorbing too big a dosage of racist poison, but few of us will escape totally unharmed.
When white parents adopt a child of another race, they're not only adopting a child of color, but the racial category of the family also changes, says adoption expert Sharon Kaplan Roszia of Parenting Resources in Tustin, California.Instead of being a "white family" or a "white family with a child of color," the family itself becomes a "family of color."
When white parents walk down the street with their transracially adopted child, that family has crossed the color barrier in the eyes of many onlookers. Henceforth that family will be subject to the kinds of experiences, both positive and negative, facing other families of color. White parents who adopt a child of another race may ask, "Why is it important to teach our child about his or her heritage? Can't we just teach our child about our heritage and forget the past?" The reality is that we always carry the past with us. It is in our genes and in our unconscious memories. Therefore, for parents to ignore their child's past, either psychological or the physical expression of their genes, would be a denial of who that child really is and the base on which that child can build for the future. Another reason to fortify our adopted children of color with a strong sense of their racial identity and self-esteem is that they will need to protect themselves against the harsh effects of racism, which they will invariably experience.
Some parents are unaware of how early children become aware of racial differences. Children begin to notice physical differences, such as skin color, hair texture, and racial characteristics, by the age of 2 or 3, say child development experts. By the age of 4 or 5 children can categorize and label these characteristics, such as "black," "brown," or "white." Children at this age also absorb language and unspoken messages from those around them. This is why a white preschooler may tell an African-American classmate, "I can't play with you because you're black."
Deborah Johnson remembers talking to a family with a 5-year-old Korean child. When asked about how much the child knew about his racial identity, the mother said, "Oh, he doesn't know about such things yet." If this really is true, Johnson says, it's because the parents haven't given the child the language and the permission to talk about "such things." Giving children these two things--language and permission--are important in helping them to express what they're already beginning to wonder about.
One of the key reasons for building a strong racial identity in children of color is so they have the inner strength to reject the wounding remarks of others. Then, if a child hears a message that comes across as, "You're brown and that's bad," the child will have an inner store of positive associations to say to him- or herself, "That's ridiculous. My mother loves me, and she says being brown is wonderful. She says my skin is beautiful. That man is crazy. He doesn't know what he's talking about."Children will hang onto the positive feelings implanted in them first by the people they most trust and believe--their parents. The problem comes when parents haven't dealt proactively with building racial identity and self-esteem, and children get their first lesson in how they're valued as racial beings, from cruel and vindictive remarks of strangers. White parents need to come to grips with how strange adopted children of color may feel sometimes, particularly if they're in a distinct minority in their schools and communities.
Sharon Kaplan Roszia and other adoption experts, such as Dr. Ruth McRoy, a social work professor at the University of Texas at Austin whose research specialty is transracial and transnational adoptions, suggest putting ourselves into social situations similar to what our children might face and tune in to feelings. If you're white, take a walk in a black neighborhood, for example, or attend a black festival or a black church, or eat at a black-owned restaurant, McRoy suggests. Go by yourself, so you are the only white person with no companion to talk to. How do you feel when people turn around and look at you? Do you feel accepted, or do you feel people wish you would leave? Visit a cultural or ethnic setting where you feel unfamiliar with the customs, again alone, suggests Kaplan Roszia. For example, walk around the Italian section. If you're Jewish, go to a Christian church. If you're Christian, visit a Jewish synagogue or a Muslim mosque. Get a sense of what it feels like to be different. Do you feel you would ever fit in? Do you feel people would accept you as one of their own? What does it feel like to have no one with whom to share your feelings of difference or isolation? It's only when white parents understand how different adopted children of color may feel, that they can really understand the need to deal openly and directly with certain crucial issues with our children: racial identity and self-esteem, racism and related adoption issues, McRoy says.
In elementary school, young children often express their intolerance of those who are different from them by teasing. Such remarks can be hurtful and affect self-esteem. Some adults, parents and teachers alike, tend to dismiss such incidents rather than deal with them directly and acknowledge the pain inflicted. Children bearing the brunt of these attacks may feel vulnerable and not know to whom they can turn for protection.Teasing and taunting can continue into the high school years. At this point, young people may begin separating into small groups or cliques based on some characteristic, such as race or ethnicity. Teenagers who have felt comfortable associating in both the dominant culture and a minority group may find themselves in a quandary as to which peer group to join. At this stage in their lives, high school students may be intolerant of differences and may pressure their peers to make restricted choices. Teenagers can examine their choices. They can join one clique and reject their peers in the other group. They can reject membership in both cliques and become a loner. Or perhaps they can create their own small group of freethinking peers. The teen years are also when dating begins. Friendships between those of different racial and cultural groups that lasted through the elementary grades may begin to unravel. Some parents may become concerned if their children show interest in dating someone of a different race.
Medoree Feldman, an Asian adult adoptee, said she found herself socially rejected as a teenager in her small-town high school because she was "different." In college she was asked out on dates because she was "exotic." She says it was hard to find someone who would accept her as an individual and not a stereotype.
Deborah Johnson, a professional social worker in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and an adult adoptee from Korea, remembers when she realized how important it is to deal head-on with racism. One Friday she received a note from the nursery school teacher of her 3-year-old son. The note said her son had hit a girl. On that same day, one of her clients--a teenage Korean who had low self-esteem and never fought back--beat up an older boy who had been physically harassing him. "My son was asserting himself at age 3. He was saying, 'You don't do that to me,' " Johnson says. "I'd rather have my son do that at age 3 than wait until age 15 to get the self-esteem to defend himself."
Johnson's handling of her child's situation offers some lessons in how to deal with racial incidents at school. First, Johnson didn't take the note at face value. She decided to dig deeper. She asked her 5-year-old daughter for more information. According to her daughter, a 5-year-old girl at school had been hanging around the doorway of her son's classroom all week and had been yelling, "Flatface, you're a chink." Her son had tried to get away from the girl by running into the bathroom, but that didn't stop the taunts. By the end of the week her frustrated son shoved the girl into the coat closet. That's what got the teacher's attention. Armed with this information, Johnson took the next step: She intervened by going to the school and talking with the teacher. The teacher minimized and trivialized the situation with the remark, "Kids do that." Johnson then patiently, but persistently, explained to the teacher that racial taunts went a step beyond mere teasing. Her son was being made fun of for racial characteristics that were an integral part of him.
Medoree Feldman has taught her 6-year-old son a technique to avoid fights on the playground. She suggests that rather than get into fisticuffs, he should run and stand in the vicinity of a playground monitor. He shouldn't stand close enough to look like a tattletale but near enough that a bully might think twice before hitting him in front of the adult on duty.
Children who look different may also get scapegoated by adults in unbelievable ways. In the audio tape, "Issues of Internationally Adopted Teens," one Asian teenager recounted a memorable birthday party. As a little girl, she arrived at the neighbor's house only to be met at the door by the father who said "little brown people" could not come in. When told of the incident, the mother called the neighbor on the phone and relayed her feeling about his choice of words. The message these mothers sent to their children is that bullying and racism, in any form, is not acceptable and that children have the right to defend themselves against abusive behavior. Furthermore, these mothers also give their children the message that if they need their help, the parents will protect them.
It's important to involve the child in the solutions after an incident has occurred. First discuss the incident with the child. Ask how he or she feels. Brainstorm ideas on how to respond. Offer to help but realize the child may want to take control of the situation him- or herself. Ask, "Is there anything you'd like me to do, or would you rather handle it yourself?"
As youngsters grow older, they can learn how to intervene with authority figures themselves. Feldman remembers a turning point in high school. In one class she had read the assignment and gotten all the answers right on a test. But the teacher, in front of all the students, called her a "chink" and said he was going to "flunk" her. But Feldman outwitted him. She saved all her papers and at the end of the term, when she received a lower grade than she felt she deserved, she took all her papers to the principal. Her grade was changed. "Word got around, 'Don't pull any crap with her,' " Feldman says. She never had any problems like that again.
But children won't be able to confront racism unless they feel good about who they are. To do this, provide strong, positive role models--both peers and adults--for children to feel proud of their African-American, Asian-American, Latin-American, or Native-American heritage. Sometimes that means making some big changes in lifestyle. For example, consider moving from a white neighborhood to a mixed-racial neighborhood. If you live in a rural or semi-rural area with few people of color, consider relocating to a more urban area the next time a job change is in the offing.Investigate schools in your area and locate one that has quality educational standards and is racially and culturally diverse among its student body and its staff. Some cities allow students to go to schools outside their district if parents petition for special reasons. Some cities have magnet schools that focus on multicultural education. If you're religious, attend religious services that have an openness to other races and cultures. Visit or regularly attend a church or synagogue whose members are of the same race and culture as your children. For example, many cities have Korean Protestant churches and Black Protestant churches. Some churches have special services for Spanish-speaking members. The point here is that if we look, we may find. We can't assume, for example, that if our children are African-American, there are no black churches where we will feel comfortable.
And be creative in forming new patterns. Nancy and Roosevelt Brown of Los Angeles incorporate each of their religious backgrounds in raising their two daughters. Nancy, who is Jewish, takes their children to the temple where Roosevelt, who is black, has served as treasurer. When the family visits Roosevelt's hometown in rural Texas, he takes the girls to the Baptist church he attended growing up. Ann Freeman, a white adoptive mother from Minneapolis with two African-American children, says it succinctly: "I can't be black for my children." Therefore, she and other parents of children of color seek out minority role models for their children.
Peers. Freeman's son, for example, attends a racially mixed elementary school where he can play with other African-American boys. He likes to try on various aspects of behavior--body language, walk, lingo--to get a sense of what "being black" means, she says.
Family friends. Carol Ranney, a single white adoptive mother of four from Tigard, Oregon, has found a friend's husband who is African-American and willing to serve as a mentor to her black son, age 9. When her son is feeling down about some racial issue, she tells him to call Ed.
Celebrities. Ranney also looks for other positive role models for her son. The conductor of the Oregon Symphony Orchestra is the well-known James DePriest, who is African-American. "We went to hear the orchestra one night," she said, "and my son was fascinated. He has developed a great interest in classical music and decided to write a letter to the conductor. We received a reply, free tickets to a concert, and an invitation to come backstage and meet Mr. DePriest!"
Professional role models. Rebecca Hufford-Cohen and her husband Warren Cohen, who have adopted two African-American children, live in a mixed-racial neighborhood in Los Angeles, and have selected a black pediatrician and a black internist for themselves. When they go to the pediatrician, Rebecca says there are many black children in the waiting room for her children to play with. Their children also get the message that black people are competent, and you can grow up to be competent, too.
Exchange students and trips. Feldman lives in San Luis Obispo, California, a small city along the coast with few people of color. To introduce her sons to Asian culture, the family has hosted an exchange student from Japan and occasionally drive four hours north to San Francisco to visit an Asian museum. Feldman still remembers a trip as a teenager with her adoptive family from her home in a small town in northern California. The family took her to Chinatown in San Francisco. "It was so much fun to walk down the street and see people who looked like me and were as short as me!" she says.
Alternatives to stereotypes. One of Sharon Kaplan Roszia's children, who is now an adult, is Hispanic. She remembers vividly driving by a field one day where many migrant workers were toiling in the hot sun picking vegetables. Her then 6-year-old son pointed them out and said he wanted to be like the workers when he grew up. Startled, Kaplan Roszia asked why. "Because they're brown like me," he said. Kaplan then made a resolution to introduce her son to other Hispanic role models so he would not necessarily equate being Hispanic with poverty and backbreaking work.
Cultural experiences. Some families have found cultural classes and camps have been advantageous for building pride and cultural awareness of their children. The Korean Institute of Minnesota has special activities for Korean children. On Saturday mornings during the school year, the Korean community of Minneapolis operates the Korean school. The group introduces youngsters to various aspects of the culture: folk tales, language, food, dress, games and other activities. For Korean children adopted into a Caucasian family, it's not only an opportunity to learn about Korean culture but also the chance to socialize with other children who look like them. The children also meet Korean adult role models. The Korean Institute of Minnesota has also trained staff for parent groups organizing culture camps. These day camps and overnight camps, particularly helpful for Korean teenagers, give kids a chance to meet others with whom they can share their experiences and feelings, says adoption counselor Deborah Johnson.
Betty Woodland and her husband have three adopted children, two African-American and one Asian, and one biological child. Their bedrock in the black community in St. Paul, Minnesota, is a 1,500 member black Baptist church, where they're extremely involved. Their 12-year-old daughter, Rachel, is developing a strong black identity there, Woodland says. Meeting everybody's needs all at the same time is not always easy. Woodland says their older mixed-racial son, Bradley, age 14, isn't as interested in church activities. Sometimes their biological daughter, Jessica, age 9, feels isolated. One day Jessica lamented, "I was the only white person in the whole building." The family lives in an integrated neighborhood, and the children attend a magnet school that's 50 percent children of color, Woodland says. The school has a high Asian population, which is a plus for their Korean son, Caleb, age 7.
Racially and culturally affirming materials. Families can make a conscious effort to bring into their homes print and audiovisual materials, posters and clothing to showcase a positive racial and cultural identity for their children. For example, Carol Ranney, adoptive mother of several African-American children, bought her son a sweatshirt that said "Black by Popular Demand," and a shirt that says, "Say Yes to Black History Education." She refused to buy her children clothes with white children on them.
Claudia Temple, from Bainbridge Island, Washington, has two adopted children: a 4-year-old son from India and and infant daughter from Guatemala. She says she has started her own family library of multicultural materials because the public library in her area is a "lost cause." "My goal is to collect books from many cultures, not just from India and Guatemala, so that my kids see that I value people from all groups," she says. "I'm reviewing multicultural catalogs for toys, art, handicrafts, and music we can incorporate into our family life."
Living with reality
My son, Miguel, who was born in Peru, is growing up in the Los Angeles area where one of the stereotypes of young men who look like him is being a member of a Latino gang. It will be my responsibility as a parent to help him find alternatives. It will also be my responsibility to help Miguel realize people may not accept him because of his appearance or for living in a family of color. Miguel will just have to learn that these are racist attitudes directed toward members of his racial group and have nothing to do with him as an individual. Like other parents who have adopted children of color, I will have to teach my son that he is okay and that the people who aren't okay are the people with racist attitudes.
Encourage your children to use these tips when confronted with racism. Dr. Susan Erbaugh, the head of psychology at the Minneapolis children's Medical Center gave many of these tips during her "Issues of Internationally Adopted Teens" workshop.
Adoptive families with children of color and adoption professionals recommend you ask yourself these 20 questions before adopting transracially.
NYS Citizens' Coalition for Children, Inc.
410 East Upland Road • Ithaca, NY 14850
607-272-0034 • office@nysccc.org
7/14/05