Anxiously Awaiting Attachment

"I knew what I had known - what I should have remembered - all that time; that he had a soul I could barely comprehend, that he was sorry for the pain I felt as I tried to turn him into a 'normal' child, and that he loved me despite my disabilities."

 

Adoption: The Myth of the Perfect Solution:

1. The Narcissistic Blow: Adoption is created out of compelling needs, reflecting profound losses for everyone involved.

2. Adoption is rarely anyone's first choice in building families.

3. Adoption meets real needs but simultaneously denies deeply held wishes for everyone in the adoption circle.

4. Each member of the adoption circle shares common themes: loss, attachment, separation, abandonment and issues of identity. -

5. Loss, and fear of more loss, are at the core of adoption attachments.

Adopted Children: The Dance Between Two Selves:

The Chosen Child and the Banished Child
The Vulnerable Child and The Controlling Child
The Compliant Child and The Rebel Child

1. Disruption is the genesis of adoption relationships. In adoption, connection and disconnection are two sides of the same experience.

2. The attachment dance is the process of learning to connect and disconnect, to celebrate and mourn, to hold close and to push away - the normal emotional cycle of human relationships.

3. We are not Rescuers, we are Witnesses! We are going to have to tell the Truth:

1. When there are family secrets, children lose confidence in the adults.

2. In the absence of real and true information, children will fill in that vacuum with fear-based fantasies and self-blame.

3. When children feel excluded from real and true involvement, they will withdraw and focus on self-protection.

4. When there are family secrets, children become unavailable, distrusting and fearful.

4. We must recognize and grieve our own losses in adoption: We are going to have to sweat a little! We are going to feel helpless at times! We are going to have to be patient!

6/20/02